Buying grand mother's house

martindow

Your motives are laudable but I'm not sure moving in together is going to solve the loneliness. If you are all out at work she is still going to be alone during the working day and free to wander.

In my experience, people who are becoming confused become worse when there are changes. Family moving in could make her more confused.

I hope it works out for you - I know how worrying it can be.

FreeworldImpossible

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Why do you have to buy her house before you move in with her? Why not try it for a while and see how things work out.

Apologies, I didn't mean that we couldn't move in unless I purchased it. Obviously we would if needed do as you suggest.

FreeworldImpossible

deannatrois wrote: »

I think you need to talk to the hospital about this as she's probably been anaemic for a while (it doesn't happen over a couple of days if severe) and the wandering could be a side effect of this.

The hospital need to find out what's caused the anaemia and some care needs to be organised until she starts feeling better. Your family could help with this, surely you could set up a routine amongst all of you so she has a timetable of visits (put up on the wall if necessary) so she knows what's going to happen and when. She could also have day care organised (like go to a day centre). However, you have to plan as well for if she doesn't get completely better. This can happen as well.

She may be wandering because she vaguely knows something is wrong but hasn't a clue what.

The problem must have existed for some time. I'm surprised it hasn't been looked at before.

None of these solutions have to include moving in with her. It could be less idealistically helpful than it seems.

Yes, it appears she has been attending the hospital for anaemia for a number of months. We found this out yesterday when she handed us a bundle of letters. She was scheduled to have a blood transfusion this coming Wednesday for it but clearly became more symptomatic. There is an element that not having been of ill health for most of her life that she thinks everything is trivial. We found a bundle of Statin tablets and Iron tablets in the house yesterday which she claims she was taken off. However the hospital claim her records show she told them she was stopping taking them.

P.S. the hospital don't seem to think it's dementia at the moment. We did fear this could be a possibility but they seem to have discounted that for now.

pmlindyloo

FreeworldImpossible wrote: »

The wife's Gran is 92yo, and considering her age she's impressively fit. She doesn't wear glass, doesn't have hearing aids and is more active than most people half her age. She walks unaided everywhere and even does her own gardening. However, it turns out that she isn't eating and this has resulted in her being admitted to hospital yesterday having become faint whilst on one of her walks. It turns out that she only has half the amount of haemoglobin in her blood as should be expected and they had to give her a blood transfusion last night. She is becoming quite forgetful, especially when it comes to eating and taking her vitamin tablets prescribed by the doctors. They don't believe that it's dementia, more a combination of anaemia and possibly an infection.

However, since the wife's mother died 15 years ago (the Gran's only child) and the death of her husband 3 years later, she is beginning to show signs of loneliness. We think this is why she is hardly ever in the house and always out wondering. My wife works in retail and the Gran is often seen lurking in the background of where she works, she claims just to catch a glimpse of the wife.

We feel that given her age, and the fact she's claiming she's lonely, that as her only family it is our duty to do something about the situation.

Her Gran keeps saying we should sell our house and move in with her. Which is an option as our house isn't big enough to take her in but hers is big enough to accommodate our family. It does however need new windows, rewiring, new bathroom and decorating throughout.

The only problem is we can't afford to give her full asking price and I'm not sure the legalities of buying a house when the person selling still lives there. Can anyone advise us on the ins and outs of this and the potential pitfalls.

Before you do anything you need to be guided by what the doctors and, possibly, social services say about what care she needs and whether you would be able to provide it, especially since it seems that both you and your wife work. Have you got children? What do they think of the idea? Would it mean changing schools/work or does she live relatively close?

I say this because if you sold your house it could be that things may change in the time it takes for you to sell.

What is Gran's position financially? Would she be able to pay for any future care if needed?

Buying her house may be considered to be deprivation of capital if she later needs residential care.

It may be that she can manage with daily carers and more visits from your family.

Depending on the doctors/social services' recommendations then your options may include:

Leave her where she is and get in carers and visit more often.

Rent out your own house and go and live with her.

Sell up and go and live with her.

Personally speaking, buying her house is something that you really shouldn't be considering because of the deprivation of assets issue.

And without being too morbid do you know who she is leaving the house to when she passes away? Buying it cheaply (even if there wasn't the question of deprivation of assets) may be complicated if other people are set to inherit.

Lots to consider so don't make any rash decisions!

FreeworldImpossible

PasturesNew wrote: »

These are signs of dementia.

It's also common for older people, for a variety of reasons, to want people around them all the time - and if you enable this then it could become 24/7 'neediness' rather than enabling her continued independence.

I think the best way forward would be to investigate places she could move to, that are full of older people. I'd be looking at selling her house and renting an older person's flatlet, preferably in a place that has an adjacent care home.

It won't take much for her to become in need of a care home as there are many things that trigger the "beginning of the end".

I'd not be looking for her to buy her next place because it's a bit complex and long-winded at her stage of life. If she rents then as her needs change you're in a flexible position to ditch her living arrangements for whatever solution's better.

Thank you. Sound advice. Perhaps persuading her to move next to her friends in the sheltered accommodation is perhaps for the best. I do realise that at that age life can change direction at a moments notice, which was partly the reason for my original post. To be honest having been at the hospital for 14 hours yesterday and not having ever encountered such a situation my mind is a little perplexed.

AnotherJoe

PasturesNew wrote: »

These are signs of dementia.

It's also common for older people, for a variety of reasons, to want people around them all the time - and if you enable this then it could become 24/7 'neediness' rather than enabling her continued independence.

I think the best way forward would be to investigate places she could move to, that are full of older people. I'd be looking at selling her house and renting an older person's flatlet, preferably in a place that has an adjacent care home.

It won't take much for her to become in need of a care home as there are many things that trigger the "beginning of the end".

I'd not be looking for her to buy her next place because it's a bit complex and long-winded at her stage of life. If she rents then as her needs change you're in a flexible position to ditch her living arrangements for whatever solution's better.

All this above. Great advice. Been there, done that. Highly recommended. You might be able to persuade her over time by taking her on visits to see her friend, if it seems like a friendly place, easy to look her flat, no bother of a garden etc after she might change her mind. But I appreciate it can be difficult.

One other thing, re the "smoke alarm is flashing (which is indicating normal operation)" for goodness sake buy her a normal one especially if she is confused enough she cant remember its meant to do that. That would drive me up the wall. Whats wrong with one that bleeps when the battery is low? Just put a new battery in once a year.

pmlindyloo

FreeworldImpossible wrote: »

Thank you. Sound advice. Perhaps persuading her to move next to her friends in the sheltered accommodation is perhaps for the best. I do realise that at that age life can change direction at a moments notice, which was partly the reason for my original post. To be honest having been at the hospital for 14 hours yesterday and not having ever encountered such a situation my mind is a little perplexed.

From what you have said I am not sure that sheltered accommodation is the best option unless it is a particular kind of sheltered accommodation which has 'add on' facilities.

Usually sheltered accommodation provides a warden who, to be honest, will not provide the care that Gran might need.

At her age she is very unlikely to want to leave her own home and if this is her preference and her care needs can be addressed in her own home then her wishes should be taken into account.

Moving home at any age can be extremely stressful (as indeed, having a family move into your home can be!) so everything needs to be considered very carefully.

Try not to stress too much as often things happen which allow you to narrow the options.

FreeworldImpossible

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Before you do anything you need to be guided by what the doctors and, possibly, social services say about what care she needs and whether you would be able to provide it, especially since it seems that both you and your wife work. Have you got children? What do they think of the idea? Would it mean changing schools/work or does she live relatively close?

I say this because if you sold your house it could be that things may change in the time it takes for you to sell.

What is Gran's position financially? Would she be able to pay for any future care if needed?

Buying her house may be considered to be deprivation of capital if she later needs residential care.

It may be that she can manage with daily carers and more visits from your family.

Depending on the doctors/social services' recommendations then your options may include:

Leave her where she is and get in carers and visit more often.

Rent out your own house and go and live with her.

Sell up and go and live with her.

Personally speaking, buying her house is something that you really shouldn't be considering because of the deprivation of assets issue.

And without being too morbid do you know who she is leaving the house to when she passes away? Buying it cheaply (even if there wasn't the question of deprivation of assets) may be complicated if other people are set to inherit.

Lots to consider so don't make any rash decisions!

Thanks pmlindyloo, a little clarity to see a way with dealing with all of this is a huge help.

As mentioned the will leaves everything to us.

I would like to think that carving out more time for her as previously suggested would alleviate her loneliness and the health implications will have to be dealt with when we have a better understanding of her needs. Having to move in would be worst case scenario, and not something I'd undertake lightly. Apologies if this seemed like we're chomping at the bit to move in.

FreeworldImpossible

AnotherJoe wrote: »

One other thing, re the "smoke alarm is flashing (which is indicating normal operation)" for goodness sake buy her a normal one especially if she is confused enough she cant remember its meant to do that. That would drive me up the wall. Whats wrong with one that bleeps when the battery is low? Just put a new battery in once a year.

No, that came over wrong I think. She wasn't confused over that. She looks for reasons to call either ourselves or the neighbours round, sort of a cry for help as she claims she just can't face being in the house alone.

There is one ray of light, I hope. Her friend nextdoor (the adjoined semi) died 18 months ago and it has been empty ever since. I do feel this, combined with the fact her neighbours the other side go on holiday every few months for like a month at a time leaves her feeling isolated. The adjoined semi however has now been bought and although still empty the family that has bought it are in the process of gutting it. I'm hoping that once people move in next door she'll at least feel a little less alone.

xylophone

Could you rent out your own property, move in with grandma, and lend her the money (against a properly drawn up agreement) for

new windows, rewiring, new bathroom and decorating throughout.

although unless the wiring is dangerous, these do not appear particularly urgent.

As Grandma is still compos mentis, and if this has not already been organised, sort out POA.

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney/overview