Workplace attraction - advice needed

[Deleted User]

Hi MSE members,


I am looking for advice if anyone has asked out/had a relationship with a co-worker before?


I find myself attracted to someone in my workplace although I barely know her. She has a lovely personality and looks wise she fits the sort of the woman I would go for. Since I set my eyes on her last year, those feelings haven’t gone away! I notice she glances her eyes in my direction sometimes so I think the feeling could be mutual (I may be wrong though!). Also, I think she is about 10 years younger than me so I think that could be another concern.


Usually I wouldn’t date someone from the same workplace. I don’t have a social circle to meet people and the only female interaction I get is at work! I have tried online dating scene and I get bored of it. I have been out on a few dates since my long term relationship ended nearly 2 years ago but none of those dates lead anywhere.


I am really torn on what to do as half of me wants to say something and the other half is telling me to keep the feelings locked down.


I would welcome any advice. Thanks for reading!:)

Detroit

In some workplaces relationships between colleagues are frowned upon, so this would be something to consider.
Not to be negative, but the fact that she looks at you may just be a response to her noticing you looking at her, so maybe don't build your hopes on this alone.
As you say you hardly know her, maybe start by being friendly, start a conversation with her and see how she reacts.
As its a colleague though, I think it's important to keep it casual at first, as anything too overt may cause embarrassment in your working relationship if she's not interested. Proceed with friendly caution, and be prepared to back off straight away if you get any negative vibes.
I don't think the age gap should be an issue in itself, but if you're in a senior position to her it could be more complicated.
Good luck!

Person_one

Getting to know her a bit would probably be a good idea. Not sure how you can assess her personality if you barely know her!

surveyqueenuk

pg81 wrote: »

I notice she glances her eyes in my direction sometimes so I think the feeling could be mutual (I may be wrong though!).

Do you sit anywhere near the clock, vending machine or doors? When I worked in an office with other people, I was bored stiff. I'd usually be looking anywhere BUT my computer.

Also, you say you barely know her but that she has a nice personality. She's probably nice to everyone. Most of us do have a nice work persona. You can't exactly go around being rude to your colleagues can you?

So please don't convince yourself things are mutual just yet. That sounds ever so slightly creepy. You need to find out more and Detroit gives some good advice above. You have a lot at stake here.

74jax

Do you work with catmiaow ??

Gloomendoom

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. We ended up getting married and still work together.

The age gap is more than ten years.

I'd say go for it.

PeacefulWaters

Ask her out for a drink.

Be a man and just do it.

If she declines, move on to somebody else. Don't bother pursuing.

Mr.Generous

try and find out what she likes, something on tv or music then chat to her about it. Make eye contact and you'll know if she's interested. take it from there. Don't just ask her out if you haven't chatted, it would be odd. If you get on ok offer her a lift to or from work or something.

onomatopoeia99

Detroit wrote: »

In some workplaces relationships between colleagues are frowned upon, so this would be something to consider.

An employer has no right to know who an employee is dating, so (with certain limited exceptions) they are not allowed to "frown upon" their employees relationship choices. They certainly can't use it as an excuse to treat staff members differently.

The way employers treat employees can fall inside the scope of article 8 - ask any vaguely clued up HR person.

indiepanda

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

An employer has no right to know who an employee is dating, so (with certain limited exceptions) they are not allowed to "frown upon" their employees relationship choices. They certainly can't use it as an excuse to treat staff members differently.

The way employers treat employees can fall inside the scope of article 8 - ask any vaguely clued up HR person.

Where I work you are expected to admit if you have a relationship with someone in the same team whose career you have an influence over - i.e. if you are more senior you shouldn't have a say in whether they get promoted / what pay rise / bonus they get as you might not be unbiased / treat them fairly compared to peers.

Usually they can find a way round this (put you on different projects, make sure you aren't their appraiser), but I recall hearing about a partner and director in the same team who were in a relationship and the director (the more junior of them) left because of this.

Personally I would usually avoid relationships at work as it's hard enough if any relationship doesn't work out never mind if you have to see them every day at work. But a significant proportion of relationships do start at work, so I am probably more cautious than most.

Only you can judge how able you would be to cope if you made a move and got knocked back or if you started a dating / got into a relationship and it didn't work out. Also, only you know whether this is your dream job or one you'd not mind leaving and would be confident of finding something as good elsewhere if things didn't work out. Don't get me wrong, am not suggesting you're so thin skinned you would need to quit if you asked her out and got knocked back. But what if it was after a longish relationship and it ended badly? Of course, if you change jobs quite often anyway by the time you split you might not even work together anyway.

As for the age gap - hard to say if would be an issue. One of my best friends at work is married to a former colleague of ours who is some 15 years her senior. I on the other hand usually seem to end up dating younger men and would be pretty unlikely to date someone 10 years older - generally not that attracted to older men. All women are different, believe the average is that women marry men three years older - but there's a big variance behind that average.

Be careful of letting this crush run away with you - saying she has a lovely personality but admitting you hardly know her is a bit of contradiction. You can only know what someone's personality is really like when you have spent quite a bit of time with someone as I found out when I got into a relationship with someone who had been part of the same social circle for some 6 years. We'd hung out one on one a few times as well as gone away on group hiking trips, played badminton together regularly as well as going on group nights out at pubs / parties during that time. Yet when we got together it eventually became clear his public persona was just that - real him only emerged some months later and was in many ways the opposite of what I thought I knew.

Make your decision based on the recognition you fancy her based on her looks and how she comes across from a distance and don't build it up into any more significant than that.

Good luck!

KRB2725

Just ask her if she fancies going for a quick drink after work one night. If she says yes then great, go and see how you get on, but if she says no then no awkwardness at work afterwards.

At my old workplace it was common to pop out for a drink after work, often there used to be a casual email sent out by someone seeing if anyone fancied a quick one after work - in the drink not stationery cupboard sense!

If you're too shy to ask her directly, maybe do the above and see if she responds, if there's a few of you it may make things easier anyway.