Workplace attraction - advice needed

Marvel1

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

An employer has no right to know who an employee is dating, so (with certain limited exceptions) they are not allowed to "frown upon" their employees relationship choices. They certainly can't use it as an excuse to treat staff members differently.

The way employers treat employees can fall inside the scope of article 8 - ask any vaguely clued up HR person.

No doubt though if there was a nasty breakup, they woukd ask the employer if they could move due to not seeing them.

I have seen this happen and it was me who got replaced on their duty that day as they were rotated to but couldn't bare seeing their ex!!

DKLS

It can work well, I met my wife at work, she was my boss.

Have also seen workplace romances back fire, spectacularly in one case when the scorned wife rocked up to the office.

onomatopoeia99

cjdavies wrote: »

No doubt though if there was a nasty breakup, they woukd ask the employer if they could move due to not seeing them.

Having been through a very nasty breakup (in that she was very nasty to me, to the extent that even her mother and her teenage daughter said she had behaved appallingly toward me) with someone I met through work, it is really, really hard having to see them every day, especially when they are telling everyone else about how great things are with their new bloke in my earshot, but in a tiny company there's nothing to be done.

Anyone contemplating a workplace romance would do well to consider what will happen should things go wrong. With a large employer there may be options, with a small one it's less likely.

bugslet

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

Ask her out for a drink.

Be a man and just do it.

If she declines, move on to somebody else. Don't bother pursuing.

That's what my take would be. You don't know much about her, ask her out and take it from there.

I met Mr Bugs when his firm did some work for the place I worked at. 28 years together and a 23 year age gap.

Though also take heed of the warnings of how things can go wrong and the need to handle things well in a professional environment.

TeamPlum

I wouldn't worry about it, you've not had a conversation yet.

You're imagining a relationship, before you've had a real interaction.

And please, glancing at you doesn't mean they find you attractive.

This is dream territory.


I'm sorry to be harsh, but it needs a dose of reality.

[Deleted User]

Detroit wrote: »

In some workplaces relationships between colleagues are frowned upon, so this would be something to consider.
Not to be negative, but the fact that she looks at you may just be a response to her noticing you looking at her, so maybe don't build your hopes on this alone.
As you say you hardly know her, maybe start by being friendly, start a conversation with her and see how she reacts.
As its a colleague though, I think it's important to keep it casual at first, as anything too overt may cause embarrassment in your working relationship if she's not interested. Proceed with friendly caution, and be prepared to back off straight away if you get any negative vibes.
I don't think the age gap should be an issue in itself, but if you're in a senior position to her it could be more complicated.
Good luck!

There are a few workplace relationships within the company and it is not frowned upon there. I am not getting my hopes up about her noticing me looking at her, as you say it could just be a response, just curious She could well be in a relationship so it could all well be a waste of time!

[Deleted User]

Person_one wrote: »

Getting to know her a bit would probably be a good idea. Not sure how you can assess her personality if you barely know her!

Definitely! It is possible we may not even have any mutual interests. I have spoken to her a few times (work related/small talk) and she comes across as having a nice personality therefore I’m judging it on that basis.

[Deleted User]

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

Do you sit anywhere near the clock, vending machine or doors? When I worked in an office with other people, I was bored stiff. I'd usually be looking anywhere BUT my computer.

Also, you say you barely know her but that she has a nice personality. She's probably nice to everyone. Most of us do have a nice work persona. You can't exactly go around being rude to your colleagues can you?

So please don't convince yourself things are mutual just yet. That sounds ever so slightly creepy. You need to find out more and Detroit gives some good advice above. You have a lot at stake here.

Not really, my job is really hectic and I am constantly busy throughout the day. The last thing I want to do is come across as creepy lol. As Detroit said it might be a response to her noticing me looking at her. I am a grounded person so I am not thinking things are mutual - it was just an inital thought.

[Deleted User]

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. We ended up getting married and still work together.

The age gap is more than ten years.

I'd say go for it.

Wow congratulations – it is positive to know work relationships can progress into something more. I am not thinking that far ahead

[Deleted User]

indiepanda wrote: »

Where I work you are expected to admit if you have a relationship with someone in the same team whose career you have an influence over - i.e. if you are more senior you shouldn't have a say in whether they get promoted / what pay rise / bonus they get as you might not be unbiased / treat them fairly compared to peers.

Usually they can find a way round this (put you on different projects, make sure you aren't their appraiser), but I recall hearing about a partner and director in the same team who were in a relationship and the director (the more junior of them) left because of this.

Personally I would usually avoid relationships at work as it's hard enough if any relationship doesn't work out never mind if you have to see them every day at work. But a significant proportion of relationships do start at work, so I am probably more cautious than most.

Only you can judge how able you would be to cope if you made a move and got knocked back or if you started a dating / got into a relationship and it didn't work out. Also, only you know whether this is your dream job or one you'd not mind leaving and would be confident of finding something as good elsewhere if things didn't work out. Don't get me wrong, am not suggesting you're so thin skinned you would need to quit if you asked her out and got knocked back. But what if it was after a longish relationship and it ended badly? Of course, if you change jobs quite often anyway by the time you split you might not even work together anyway.

As for the age gap - hard to say if would be an issue. One of my best friends at work is married to a former colleague of ours who is some 15 years her senior. I on the other hand usually seem to end up dating younger men and would be pretty unlikely to date someone 10 years older - generally not that attracted to older men. All women are different, believe the average is that women marry men three years older - but there's a big variance behind that average.

Be careful of letting this crush run away with you - saying she has a lovely personality but admitting you hardly know her is a bit of contradiction. You can only know what someone's personality is really like when you have spent quite a bit of time with someone as I found out when I got into a relationship with someone who had been part of the same social circle for some 6 years. We'd hung out one on one a few times as well as gone away on group hiking trips, played badminton together regularly as well as going on group nights out at pubs / parties during that time. Yet when we got together it eventually became clear his public persona was just that - real him only emerged some months later and was in many ways the opposite of what I thought I knew.

Make your decision based on the recognition you fancy her based on her looks and how she comes across from a distance and don't build it up into any more significant than that.

Good luck!

[FONT=&quot]Lots of good advice here – thanks for taking the time with the detailed response.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Relationships are allowed within the company so not frowned upon. To be honest, I have always been a cautious person and would never consider asking someone out in the workplace previously. However, I am considering the idea as nothing else has worked for me in the last year. [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Firstly, I need to decide and find the courage whether to ask her out. She may be in a relationship/seeing someone in which case my interest could well be a waste of time. To be honest if I got knocked back then I would have no hard feelings, it happens and I will just get on with it. With regards to changing jobs, I enjoy my job but I don’t see myself being there long term as I want to progress my career.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I admit the age gap is in the back of my mind. Usually I would go for someone within a 3-5 year age parameter.

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I see where you are coming from! She comes across as a nice person so maybe the ‘lovely personality’ comment was a big strong.:)[/FONT]