Victim blaming mentality

pendragon_arther

pigpen wrote: »

I'd rather someone hit me with cold hard truths than lie.. it is a positive trait.. you tell it like it is, or you lie.. I assume from your comment you are a prolific liar?

Lovely..

Actually the following is a fact:

* We are told roughly around 200 lies per day.

* On average, we lie 3 times per every 10 min of conversation, 60% have a hard time without lying at least once. Most lies are harmless white lies like "Nice haircut" or "Yeah, all is good!".

* I estimate the number of lies we tell per day is around 25, which includes both white lies and more serious lies. This number is greatly varied through cultural differences, sex, individuality etc. In countries like Island or Finland you may have an average number of 8-15, while in Greece or Turkey the number might be around 40-60 because of the social differences.
It's hard to say, and I don't think there's any reliable research on this subject. Most studies are based on user polls where people tend to bend the truth a bit, or may not include the small unimportant lies that's become a natural habit.
If this estimate is correct, we would have around 1 hour and 20-30 min of pure conversation per day, and I think that sounds about right.

But being brutally honest and not taking into account the other person's feelings is actually being sadistic. I feel some sympathy for your partner, if you have one.

faerielight

well said pickled.. .. I will never, ever ask a question about benefits or anything to do with disability on here again, for exactly the reasons you highlighted in your post, and it is always the same few people who flame... It is apparent they are waiting in the wings .. I never see those people posting in the freebies/comp areas, it's always the sub boards with the most vulnerable posters and subject matters. .. I learnt my lesson the hard way, but I will never let myself be vulnerable in those disability sub boards again... I, I think we all need to be mindful, especially if someone has mental health issues.

Guest101

faerielight wrote: »

well said pickled.. .. I will never, ever ask a question about benefits or anything to do with disability on here again, for exactly the reasons you highlighted in your post, and it is always the same few people who flame... It is apparent they are waiting in the wings .. I never see those people posting in the freebies/comp areas, it's always the sub boards with the most vulnerable posters and subject matters. .. I learnt my lesson the hard way, but I will never let myself be vulnerable in those disability sub boards again.

Don't you think a thicker skin may be required?

Pollycat

faerielight wrote: »

well said pickled.. .. I will never, ever ask a question about benefits or anything to do with disability on here again, for exactly the reasons you highlighted in your post, and it is always the same few people who flame... It is apparent they are waiting in the wings .. I never see those people posting in the freebies/comp areas, it's always the sub boards with the most vulnerable posters and subject matters. .. I learnt my lesson the hard way, but I will never let myself be vulnerable in those disability sub boards again... I, I think we all need to be mindful, especially if someone has mental health issues.

I don't know the thread that you mention which clearly upset you.

In my (limited) experience of the boards you mention, advice - and in most cases, pretty good advice - is more common than hostility.

And you always have the option of reporting any posts/posters that you believe are not replying in the spirit that MSE expects.

We can all be mindful but unless someone specifically mentions that they have mental health issues it's impossible to know that.

ETA:
In my experience, if someone is getting an unnecessarily hard time, other posters will jump in with support.
Did that not happen with your thread?

NewShadow

pendragon_arther wrote: »

Actually the following is a fact:

* We are told roughly around 200 lies per day.

and 87% of statistics are made up.

http://dilbert.com/strip/2008-05-08


Cite your source.

faerielight

It is clear to me that the OP is saying that constructive criticism is welcomed, but there is a difference between that and blaming/judgments.character defamation, etc, and I think every so often, it's useful to remind everyone that there a real person behind each post, and that no one can second guess how vulnerable they are, so it helps to be mindful with responses, and treat everyone with dignity and respect at all times. Simples. And I'll leave it there.

Guest101

faerielight wrote: »

It is clear to me that the OP is saying that constructive criticism is welcomed, but there is a difference between that and blaming/judgments - So you purely want factual, but sympathetic advice, with no judgment at all? I'd suggest paying for that kind of service .character defamation - character defamation? Ooh I am intrigued, how is your character being defamed? I presume people simply respond to what you wrote. No-one is starting threads claiming you are something you aren't. , etc, and I think every so often, it's useful to remind everyone that there a real person behind each post, and that no one can second guess how vulnerable they are - There are very specific categories of people who are genuinely vulnerable. The vast majority of the time it's people who simply cannot take any criticism. , so it helps to be mindful with responses, and treat everyone with dignity and respect at all times. Simples. And I'll leave it there.

Sure, but dignity and respect are not mutually exclusive with being blunt and to the point.

FBaby

I will never, ever ask a question about benefits or anything to do with disability on here again, for exactly the reasons you highlighted in your post, and it is always the same few people who flame

I probably fall in that category! The issue I have is how disabilities are considered sacro-saint in this forum and how people suffering from them made to be all vulnerable and all persecuted the second someone raises a different opinion to that regards.

I have been accused to not understanding MH, lacking empathy and believing that all people with MH should be working. It is not the case at all. Yes I am judgmental, but we all are in our own way just because we have beliefs that will be different to others, and just like I am judgmental of some disabled people, I am judgmental of some non disabled people, just as I am strongly supportive of some disabled people.

We all do one thing and that is based our opinions and views on our own experiences and that can't be taken away from anyone. Yes, some people (including me) are more blunt than others, but many posters who are accused of being unkind in some threads have shown to be very caring in other.

When someone post about being hard done by, I tend to try to project how the other party might be experiencing the situation because I think that one thing we are all guilty of is to fail appreciate that other people can have a totally different perspective of the same situation and often, non biased strangers are more capable of seeing the wider picture. However, it becomes very clear that a number of posters don't come here to try to help their situation unless they are told that they are 100% right and the other party 100% wrong, and would rather then pull the 'offended card' than consider reflecting on their own actions or perceptions.

FBaby

Just to add, it is often those who are most blunt and appearing cold who will still be there to help you when most in need, something my OH and I have experienced with our friends/family members.

Pollycat

When a very good friend of mine's husband !!!!!!ed off with someone else, I did the 'there, thete' bit & immediately afterwards got busy with researching her rights, benefits etc.

Other friends told her all sorts of incorrect stuff.

Who did she listen to?
Not me, because I was telling her what she didn't want to hear.
2 years down the line, after trying to hang onto the house (and paying the full mortgage herself) she accepted that she'd have to put it on the market.

Now settled, who does she wish she'd listened to?
Yep, that'll be me.

There was no way I could have sugar-coated the truth to make her understand her best option.

Most people posting of their troubles are more likely to take the advice of somebody who does the 'there, there's routine - even if the advice is wrong.