Adult sharing inappropriate content

jetplane

HappyMJ wrote: »

Not to a pre-teen boy but letting a 15 year old read the latest men's magazine with plenty of !!!!!! in it and talking about it in a sensible manner is not unusual.

Parents need freedom to talk to their own children about sex and relationships at any age. The wording and images used by his dad sounds inappropriate but it's not illegal and going to the police is not appropriate either.

By going to the police you will be shutting down any conversation between the boys and their dad about sex which I don't think is a good idea.

There is no way this father was having a sensible conversation about !!!!!! is there? The boy is 12.

elsien wrote: »

I know teenagers look at !!!!!!. But.
They also need to know that " 'jokes' about p**ophilia, r*pe, racism, sexism, disabled people. There were images of hacked up bodies and people hanging" is not ok.
Accepting this by saying that it's usual for teens to look at this sort of stuff normalises it for them and this is where the complete lack of respect for women's autonomy starts to come into play. And where the !!!!!! images that kids see starts to become what they expect from their girlfriends, and where teenage girls start to think they have to do things they don't want to do because "everyone does it."
So yes I know kids search for this stuff. It is not ok for an adult, particularly a father, to encourage them to think this is the norm. The adults in their lives should be providing the " yes it's there, but real life isn't like and it will land you in trouble if you think that behaviour is ok" bit of the conversation.

If I could thank this post twice I would

settlerofcatan

foolofbeans wrote: »

I would be upset if my child's father showed them pornographic or abusive material. What prompted you to inform the police? Has there been any worrying behaviour from the father previously? Who are the older teenage boys? Does your son know them personally?
Moving forward I would suggest a conversation with your son about how !!!!!! does not reflect a loving relationship and is not the "norm". Have you spoken to the father about why he did it? It might be useful to sit down with him and your sons to discuss what is and isn't acceptable and to give the father a chance to apologise. It will also show him that you are monitoring the situation and your sons can know that they can talk to you about any concerns they may have.
As a parent of a teenage girl I would love you to speak to your son about degrading behaviour towards women as this seems to be quite prevalent in teenage boys - no reflection on your son but just seems to be a sad sign of the times.

In an ideal world no child would have access to any social media but that isn't realistic - what is realistic is to monitor your child's access and to discuss issues that may arise from the use of that social media.

I informed Social Services on the advice of my friend who is a social worker. Social Services first port of call was the police.

The older teenagers are known to my son in 'real life' because they have been known to 'hang out' with Sam's dad over a shared hobby. None of Sam's small list of Facebook friends are strangers.

Totally agree about a discussion about !!!!!!. We have actually gently opened those lines before, particularly with the older son. I'm not personally outraged or horrified by !!!!!! per se, but I can't see how it's appropriate for a man to share it with a bunch of kids, including his young son. Sam's dad has always bullied and teased him about another matter. It seems to us that Sam was just trying to keep up with his Dad and gain approval by replying to these memes with ones he'd found himself.

We tried talking to Sam's dad (via email) and he did apologise, but he's a very controlling and manipulative man. Then, as I say, my social worker friend said she'd prefer us to report it so I did.

fairy_lights

jetplane wrote: »

Or why they are more concerned with the boy having facebook access than the father using it this way :huh:

I don't think anyone is more concerned about the boy having access to Facebook, obviously the fathers behaviour is not in any way acceptable and needs to be addressed.
But Facebook is not a site for children and there's always going to be adult content floating around, no matter who the OP's son interacts with on there (or online in general).
Why would anyone knowingly let their pre-teen child use Facebook, or at the very least not heavily monitor their internet usage?


Edit: I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming the OP for what's happened, but parents need to be internet savvy and aware of what can happen when their kids are unleashed online.

tiger_eyes

This is quite concerning. It's not appropriate for a parent to deliberately upset their child and laugh about it, much less with such a young child, even less so with violent and sexual material. It may be that there has been other inappropriate behaviour from the father - I'm not suggesting the father has been actively harming the child, but if the father has a poor grasp of appropriate boundaries for sexual content, perhaps the father has been watching !!!!!! in front of him or something similar. Or upsetting him in unrelated ways, since that's apparently entertaining. The fact that the child didn't mention the Facebook conversation to you suggests it would be worth having a long conversation with him - if nothing else, to remind him that he should tell you if anyone upsets him.

settlerofcatan

fairy_lights wrote: »

I don't think anyone is more concerned about the boy having access to Facebook, obviously the fathers behaviour is not in any way acceptable and needs to be addressed.
But Facebook is not a site for children and there's always going to be adult content floating around, no matter who the OP's son interacts with on there (or online in general).
Why would anyone knowingly let their pre-teen child use Facebook, or at the very least not heavily monitor their internet usage?


Edit: I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming the OP for what's happened, but parents need to be internet savvy and aware of what can happen when their kids are unleashed online.

The content wasn't 'floating around' it was presented to him by his father.

Sam has a very small handful of FB friends, all of which are known to him personally. About half of them are family members. I have always had his password and check it occasionally, which is how I found this conversation. Same with his older brother (although he doesn't actively use FB).

They tell you to make sure that your children aren't chatting to anyone they don't personally know. They don't tell you that you need to protect them from their own father.

settlerofcatan

tiger_eyes wrote: »

This is quite concerning. It's not appropriate for a parent to deliberately upset their child and laugh about it, much less with such a young child, even less so with violent and sexual material. It may be that there has been other inappropriate behaviour from the father - I'm not suggesting the father has been actively harming the child, but if the father has a poor grasp of appropriate boundaries for sexual content, perhaps the father has been watching !!!!!! in front of him or something similar. Or upsetting him in unrelated ways, since that's apparently entertaining. The fact that the child didn't mention the Facebook conversation to you suggests it would be worth having a long conversation with him - if nothing else, to remind him that he should tell you if anyone upsets him.

Thank you. Yes, we've done this and I will keep doing this. I feel awful.

The 'boundaries' issue is what we're most concerned about.

I would also say that the fact that there are other children involved is worrying.

Kaye1

I'm not sure how people are trying to justify the father's actions.

Yes- talk about it, explain that it is out there, guide him, answer any questions. Share jokes about rape etc? Wrong.

Shove hardcore !!!!!! in his face? Wrong. It doesn't matter whether he was on Facebook- it matters that his father is in the same room showing him !!!!!! on his phone.

Wrong.

Interesting enough, if the Dad was doing this to a pre-teen girl would it be ok? No, it wouldn't, so it's not ok for a boy either.

Guest101

Kaye1 wrote: »

I'm not sure how people are trying to justify the father's actions.

Yes- talk about it, explain that it is out there, guide him, answer any questions. Share jokes about rape etc? Wrong.

Shove hardcore !!!!!! in his face? Wrong. It doesn't matter whether he was on Facebook- it matters that his father is in the same room showing him !!!!!! on his phone.

Wrong.

Interesting enough, if the Dad was doing this to a pre-teen girl would it be ok? No, it wouldn't, so it's not ok for a boy either.

It's not 'ok' for either gender, though it's similarly not an offence, based upon gender.


Look, no-one is saying it's ok. The guy has apologised and clearly it wont be happening again.


The point people are making is the OP hasn't taken adequate steps initially and then blown up over this.


(And gone out of her way to disclose this to other people... which just seems bizarre.)

k3lvc

Kaye1 wrote: »

I'm not sure how people are trying to justify the father's actions.

Yes- talk about it, explain that it is out there, guide him, answer any questions. Share jokes about rape etc? Wrong.

Shove hardcore !!!!!! in his face? Wrong. It doesn't matter whether he was on Facebook- it matters that his father is in the same room showing him !!!!!! on his phone.

Wrong.

Interesting enough, if the Dad was doing this to a pre-teen girl would it be ok? No, it wouldn't, so it's not ok for a boy either.

No justification for the fathers actions from me - it's wrong on so many levels but Mother seems to absolved herself of all responsibility in providing pre-teen son with a platform on which this can happen and not apparently seeing any issue with this (nor stopping it)


Views/anger etc between estranged Parents will always be there in todays society - maybe having the balls to challenge the Father and discussing the rights/wrongs rather than running to Police/Social Services and expecting them to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship would be more worthwhile

pollypenny

What a creep this guy is!

I would t let him near my sons, even though they are his sons, too. Let him go to court and explain his dirty dealings to a judge!