Daughter and housekeeping money?

forgotmyname

I do keep moaning at her about the job, but 10 minutes of job searching later and she is back to whatever task she was doing before.

I feel hurt by all of your comments and i blame society, The climate change and everything but me . Not really ii appreciate the frank and honest replies.
And yes i admit the apron strings were much too short, partially the wife who panics when i try and get the daughter to cook something. Wife thinks she will burn the kitchen down.
I would be chuffed if she got her own place and would encourage her to do it. The best way to learn is by doing it and mum is too much of a worrier for that.

My attitude and her mums worry about everything nature a hard mould to break.

She can do cleaning etc, and make herself some food she wont starve, but anything more than a microwave meal or something in a single pan is where we need to do the work.

I think its time the wife just left her to get on with it in the kitchen, here is the step by step guide something simple like fresh meatballs and pasta with pasta sauce? Give her the ingredients and the list and shut the door until its served?

She can do it IF she puts the effort into it. She does have some memory issues, at school they always tried to put her into a category with other children with ADHD? etc. But because be brought her up to be polite and have respect she didnt fit their labels.

I said i was the same, the issue is your lessons are boring and not taxing so she switches off. I had a maths teacher who gave me a right telling off and i went from doing just enough work to not get into trouble to the top 2 in the class.

We should have pushed harder and now its time to batten down and give her more experience.

Is it a Girl thing? When she got the college course in the City both my wife and my mum asked if i was going to take her and pick her up. Why would i do that?
Same with the little part time job, sometimes its a 5/6am start and during the winter when its still dark they said are you taking her. Nope.

She gets herself up and sorts out her own breakfast, toast or cereal and just says bye if we are awake, so she is not totally without the means to manage.

I need some bigger shoulders, she doesnt do the laundry either :X

Not worried that she will go off the rails, she really is excellent in that way. My parents moved recently and she spent all day helping my mum scrub their new kitchen top to bottom. Mum said we have brought her up well. Give her something to keep her occupied and she is a hard worker.

Thanks for the advice...

1. Cut apron strings...
2. Get her to clean bathroom at least... And clothes washing at least
once a fortnight?
3. Get her to cook at least one meal a week and with no intervention
other than the recipe and a quick howto.
4. Transfer phone contract or get her to pay me, the day before the bill is due. Could do a game your late paying this month you owe a late payment fee.
5. Charge something for housekeeping and save it, without her knowledge if possible. Still unsure how much, opinions are very divided on that it seems.

Thank you all for the advice. please keep it coming if you think of anything else. I really appreciate it.

forgotmyname

Just thought i would add a quick note, the reason i am pushing this now is that i was taken into hospital a few weeks ago. Chest pains etc which they treated as a heart attack, but it turned out not to be one.

My heart was starting to struggle though for another reason which i wont bore you with.

It dawned on me that i do all the banking for everyone and sort all the bills and everything. Whilst in hospital i got them to do the online banking on their phones and said they need to start transferring the money to the bill accounts and savinbs accounts themselves now.

Almost slipped up though when missus didnt transfer enough over, i said keep this months and next months bill money in the account. So there is always a month ahead if anything happens. Then your not in a rush to transfer money.

Just put a bit of reality in what could have happened. Thanks everyone.

elisebutt65

I bought my sons a couple of cookbooks
Here's one: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cooking-Up-Storm-Survival-Cookbook/dp/1406352977?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_search_detailpage
Then I'd have a list of daily chores to work through, much like a rota.
Get her to work with yourself or wife on the cooking. Get her to pick the recipes she likes , and she buys the fresh ingredients required

GwylimT

She makes her own breakfast and can let herself out, my daughter could do that when she was four!

Just stop treating her like a preteen, if she wanrs clean clothes she'll wash them, if she wants to eat she'll cook, if she wants to go somewhere she'll work. If you carry on treating her like a twelve year old then you're actively preventing her from getting a job etc as you denied her the required skills needed.

borkid

I've said this to various people at different times but the hardest thing about being a parent is LETTING GO and letting them make their own mistakes but you do have to let go if you want them to go from child to adult.

Rev

forgotmyname wrote: »

Just thought i would add a quick note, the reason i am pushing this now is that i was taken into hospital a few weeks ago. Chest pains etc which they treated as a heart attack, but it turned out not to be one.

My heart was starting to struggle though for another reason which i wont bore you with.

It dawned on me that i do all the banking for everyone and sort all the bills and everything. Whilst in hospital i got them to do the online banking on their phones and said they need to start transferring the money to the bill accounts and savinbs accounts themselves now.

Almost slipped up though when missus didnt transfer enough over, i said keep this months and next months bill money in the account. So there is always a month ahead if anything happens. Then your not in a rush to transfer money.

Just put a bit of reality in what could have happened. Thanks everyone.

I don't think doing the banking for everyone is that uncommon tbh.

I'm amazed at how many of my friends can't do simple tasks like pay a bill and will say 'oh I'll get my husband to do that later'.

Maybe because I was my mums carer and took over the household finances at an early age (my mum had memory issues so would forget to pay or pay things twice etc). But I find it astonishing when grown adults have to get someone else to do something simple like pay a bill or order something online or transfer some money to someone etc.

I assume it's sheer laziness. Because surely they're not that stupid.

I always think God help them should they split up or their spouse passes away.

One of my uncles is almost 70. But he has 4 sisters who all baby him. They do everything for him (he got quite a shock when my mum passed away and I refused to take over the things she did for him, shopping, cleaning etc. And my mum had sky sports just for him to watch the football and cricket. He's still not forgiven me for cancelling the sky - and no I'm not joking). When he needs a prescription he calls his sister. Need shopping? Calls a different sister. He pays non of his own bills and up until quite recently he had no idea you had to pay for water or had to have a TV licence (he doesn't pay them now either he's more than happy for his sisters to pay his way). He genuinely thought they were free. Same with council tax. He's never paid any type of rent as he's always lived with one of his sisters.

All he does for himself is go the shop once a week and spend £120 on cigarettes. And he acts like he is doing someone a favour when he does that.

He is also a massive bully with a huge sense of self entitlement. When someone won't do something he wants for him he acts like a petulant three year old who's been told no. And has a go at them until they give in.

And that's simply because he has been babied his entire life. Was never taught the value of money or taught to do things for himself.

You really don't want your daughter turning out like my uncle.

SeaVixen

To add my twopenneth worth in:

I was financially in a similar position to your daughter for about 1yr 8months after graduating Uni. My parents didn't charge me any board until I was working full time.

HOWEVER - I'd been paying for my own phone since age 16 on PAYG, then contract at 19. I think transferring the phone contract would be your best option. Having her pay you is a 'safety net' that shouldn't need to be there. If she is worried about keeping payments up, then keep her current phone and get a PAYG sim for it. I understand you think her phone is essential because of work, but she should realise this as well and act accordingly.


2. Get her to clean bathroom at least... And clothes washing at least
once a fortnight?

Without knowing how much washing your family has on a weekly basis, it's hard to see what split of this was hers anyway. She should be doing her own washing by now, and this shouldn't be seen as reimbursement to you in any way. This is just what a functioning adult does.

She should definitely be contributing to household chores, how much is up to you, and depends on if you have other kids.


Now I am working full time I pay one of the utility bills (approx £50 a month). This is much less than I should be paying, but I'm pretty self sufficient (only really use utilities, washing powder and milk) and parents know that I'm a 'saver' so will be putting it in premium bonds etc, which is only what they would do with the money for me anyway. I know I've got it pretty easy, but I think your daughter is having it even easier...


Re: the car issue. My grandparents and parents bought 'me' a car during this part time job patch of my life, that my mum also used to get to work Monday to Friday. Though I always had first dibs on it, as it was 'my' car, I was very respectful of my mum working and very rarely asked her to use dad's car instead. My mum paid the insurance for the first year, but since then we've split it 50/50. As mum was using it mostly she paid for repairs (it was a new car, so these were incredibly minimal). We didn't have set rules about petrol, we just kept each other updated and said if either of us felt we needed to contribute more.

Loz01

Why doesn't she already help with cleaning or do washing? I assume she's 17 or 18? And I wouldn't buy her a car or she'll be even more inclined to want to stay in the cushy situation she's in... a car when you get a job seems a fairer deal!

Caroline_a

A family I know did similar to their daughter. Slightly different things, but the daughter is now over 40. She does nothing in the house unless father pays her to do it. They have a disabled relative who lives with them and every so often she will entertain him with crafts etc. She has no job - gave it up as she reckoned she was disabled, but no doctor could find any reason and despite all her ailments she seems to have a good social life!

Everything that isnt wonderful for her is someone else's fault as she's never had to take responsibility for anything.

OP, I am not saying that your daughter will end up like this - but you see how parents thinking that they are being kind to their adult children can turn out? Your daughter's lack of job and ambition sadly is down to your enablement. Back off and push her to make good life decisions. She will thank you much more in the longterm.

Jagraf

I apologise I haven't read the whole thread.

I don't think its right for any adult (with some circumstances excepted) to not do at least 40/50 hours a week of something - paid work, voluntary work, housework, parenting, or studying.

Can't she volunteer full time?