Daughter and housekeeping money?

Flyonthewall

forgotmyname wrote: »

We dont really shop weekly, I hate shopping and will buy 3 months worth on one go if I can. Just bread and fresh produce we buy as required, Anything tinned or frozen is stacked up high

So getting her to pay towards the weekly shop and if you want that you pay for it wont really work unless I am missing something?

You could still add up how much you pay a month and roughly how much she eats of that and have her pay that or a percentage of it.

Someone suggested that she pay a percentage of the bills like the gas, eletcric, mobile and landling and the internet etc but it will have to be a very small percentage

The amount isn't important, it's the fact of teaching her.

forgotmyname wrote: »

Tried explaining she is working for £1 an hour.

But she has got comfortable with the routine and i dont think she really puts the effort into looking for work.

Perhaps there's a way to show her rather than just trying to explain.

For example, put down the pound coins on the table that she earns in day. Then put down the money on the table for what she could be getting full time, minimum wage. Maybe show her what she can get for that.

Of course, you need to do other things as well so that she sees the importance of it and the value of money.

Getting her to pay her own phone bill could be on the cards, contract up for renewal soon. Its in my name. But i worry that she wont have credit on the phone. (treating her like a kid again)

Get her to set up a direct debit to you so you're automatically paid each month for the phone bill. If it goes over then you will be able to pay it and you won't have to worry about her not being able to contact you. Do make it clear that going over should only be in case of emergency though otherwise you'll charge her.

We dont need the money input into the household so thats not an issue, we could put the money into a savings account for when she leaves home (if ever) . Or buy her some premium bonds with it?

That's part of the problem. You don't need it so she keeps getting away with it. It doesn't matter that you don't need it, you're not taking it for that reason.

If you do put it in a savings account for her or buy premium bonds it may be best not to tell her as she may just rely on getting that or thinking she can get money anytime from that.

Its just to teach her that stuff costs money and that when she wants something and we dont pay she needs to dip into her savings and then think how is she going to get the savings back up if she cannot replace it.

Then she'll soon realise she needs to be earning more and take steps to do so. The whole point is to show her that she needs to do something to make money and learn the value of money.

If ever there was an emergency you know you can help her out.

She doesnt need money at the moment, No really into going out and not into clubbing etc. If i said we are taking all but 50p she would just shrug knowing everything she needs is here anyway.

Clothes, media, mobile, car, make-up etc. At some point she'll want new stuff and new stuff costs money. If you don't buy it it won't be there.

forgotmyname wrote: »

Cooking err never. She knows the basics but would struggle with a full meal.

You could teach her. Maybe cook together to start with. If she's not that interested then you could start by just asking her to pass you things so you can cook and then next time ask her to do something a bit more. You could tell her what you're doing as you're doing it. She'll see you doing things as well. If ever she needs to cook herself she may remember what you've said and done or she'll at least have some idea of what she's doing.

She would hand over all her money knowing full well that she just asks us for something and gets it, what does she need money for. my fault again..

You need to stop buying her everything and make it clear that you won't be doing that anymore. Don't give in.


The amount you take, whether you need it and the amount she makes are unimportant. What is important is the that you want to teach her and the easiest way is to stop buying her everything, take some money from her and make her realise that she needs to do something if she wants more money and, because of the changes, she will want money.

Dill

How old is your daughter? You say she has dropped out of college, which I am guessing would put her age at between 16 and 20?

Retail jobs used to be quite plentiful, but less so these days, when people are shopping online more. Supermarkets often want staff, - not sure if this is what she has in mind? If she likes it it is possible to progress to supervisor and management, and unless things have changed recently I am pretty sure you can apply for a lower level supermarket job with little or no previous work experience.

Call centres often need staff. While I'm afraid call centre work would be my idea of hell (!) a lot of people do this kind of job and it works well for them.

She just needs to find something that suits her.

Rev

She won't change or learn anything OP until you change.

You may think 'oh but she's my baby' but you're doing her absolutely zero favours.

I also don't buy the 'but she's a good kid' either. She should be a good kid regardless. Being a decent human being doesn't mean you get everything handed to you on a silver platter.

God forbid but what would happen to her should you no longer be here next week? You've not given her the tools to deal with life as an adult.

She can't take care of herself, can't cook, doesn't clean and has no concept of how money works.

These are things you should have taught her long ago.

When you start teaching her how to take care of herself and showing her that not everything in life is handed to you with zero effort or work put in to achieve it. Then maybe she'll start to change.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but the problem isn't your daughter OP it's you.

borkid

Dill wrote: »

How old is your daughter? You say she has dropped out of college, which I am guessing would put her age at between 16 and 20?

Retail jobs used to be quite plentiful, but less so these days, when people are shopping online more. Supermarkets often want staff, - not sure if this is what she has in mind? If she likes it it is possible to progress to supervisor and management, and unless things have changed recently I am pretty sure you can apply for a lower level supermarket job with little or no previous work experience.

Call centres often need staff. While I'm afraid call centre work would be my idea of hell (!) a lot of people do this kind of job and it works well for them.

She just needs to find something that suits her.

I was thinking the same thing about the daughter's age.

I've know people quite recently to start off on the lowest grade in a supermarket and work up. Also call centres started at the bottom worked their way up and ended up PA to the CEO of the company, went via the IT route. On the way gained lots of people skills and was trained as well.

To OP I would be much crueller than you. If you are providing all food, bed and heating your daughter NEEDS very little else. She might want more but then she should go and work for the money not expect you to fund it. The more I read the more I think you should have all her JSA, it is after all to keep her at the bare minimum it isn't meant to keep her in luxury, and you are doing that. Her earnings I think you should have a percentage of IF she doesn't do her fair share of work around the house. It actually sounds as if she does less than my 2 did around the house when they were at school. As others have said you are doing her no favours.

ViolaLass

PLEASE teach her to do her share of chores.

Are you worried that she'll go off the rails if you push it?

Seabee42

I do think its in her interests to be charged and learn she needs to work harder to get more. You could even put the money into a savings account for her (you control it of course) for a deposit later down the line.


At the moment like it or not life is easy so why will she change.

auntyrara

I think you need to take note of Kayalana99's post. The struggle that she had when she left home could be happenning to your daughter in a few years time.
Not doing any housework could mean not knowing how to do things when she has her own place. Not doing any cooking could lead to a bad diet of take aways and ready meals. Very importantly though, not knowing about money and her getting everything she wants from you could lead her into debt in the future. Buyng things on credit. If she's used to getting things she wants it will be hard to get out of that mind set.
Don't think you're being hard on her, you're just helping her grow up and giving her the tools for self reliance.
Maybe work out a plan of what you're going to do before speaking to her. Like a weekly rota of what housework she does and cooking (helping you cook until she has confidence to do it herself)
Also take some board from her. I had to pay it, and the time it went up to what I thought was too much was the moment I decided to find a share house with friends. In hindsight it wasn't too much, but it gave me a kick up the bum to move on. Don't tell her you're saving her board for her, just give it to her when she moves out. It will be such a brilliant surprise

pickledonionspaceraider

forgotmyname wrote: »

She is my ikkle baby



Thanks

No, she really isn't ''your ikkle baby'' (barf). She is an adult

An adult whose future you are destroying by deliberately holding her back into babyhood!! You do this for your own benefit, as it certainly is not benefiting her

OP the problem is yours. You are co dependant on her and you actually have issues about her growing up, and not needing you. THESE ARE YOUR ISSUES, NOT HERS. Stop passing your fears on to her

I suggest you need counselling on how to find your own identity and stop living through your daughter.

You are smothering her. Your daughter does not realise this as it is ''normal'' to her as she knows no other way of life - but you cannot blame your daughter for not doing things other adults are doing, if you insist on doing every little thing for her.

Assuming that she is able bodied as I see no mention otherwise, there is no reason why she is not doing a huge proportion of the household chores, with not even working at the moment

There is no reason she should be claiming benefits off the government instead of working for a living. To have chosen the benefits lifestyle already as a young adult is a joke

Retail is hardly the Krypton factor and jobs in retail are one of the easiest fields to get into. Shops are full of school leavers - so doesn't ring true that she is even trying

You and her need to have serious words, but she is not suddenly going to turn into an adult overnight seeing as you have babied her so far.

Cut the apron strings for gods sakes, it's UNHEALTHY. She needs some motivation to get a job, not yet another treat from the parents

She needs a kick up her lazy butt, as she must see what other friends are doing with their lives and realise that most other people are not going to be fed and clothed by parents forever - and you need to get a grip and let her get on with it

No wonder a great deal of young adults have this sense of entitlement chip on their shoulders = as the parents are putting this rubbish into their minds. Many parents are being forced to delay retirement and never actually getting to live their own lives as they are getting themselves into positions where they are financially sustaining their adult offspring. I mean for gods sakes, what more does your daughter want from you? Have you not given enough in the (at least ) two decades you have been funding her? - and now the buck has passed to the state, and the state AND you are funding her...

You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about OP, in cutting the apron strings, you have given her support since she was born, and now it is your time. It is not your job to provide luxuries (like a car) to someone who has no interest in working for the basics in life

missbiggles1

She's given the £55 JSA to pay for the essentials in her life, not to have as spending money. Whilst not suggesting that you take it all for her keep, I'd certainly suggest that you ask her for most of it, leaving her something in the region of £10/15 per week for herself. If you explain that she'll pay the same when she gets a job, that may well be the incentive she needs to get a job - giving her a car (if she pays the running costs) would be a bonus.

Person_one

The 'keep' issue almost doesn't matter compared to the real issue that your daughter is at least 18 but doesn't have any clue how to do basic household tasks.

I lived at home rent free for a bit when I was unemployed after uni. Not paying 'keep' did me no harm, I went on to become a productive, independent functioning member of society perfectly capable of managing my money. So don't worry that you're going to do lasting damage by not taking big chunks of her cash off her at this stage.

As others have said, what will do lasting damage is not equipping her for the boring, thankless, repetitive, sadly necessary chores that come with adult life. Sometimes being a grown up is a bit rubbish, but being a child expected to cope and blag and bluff their way through an adult world they don't understand and can't handle must be 1000 times harder.