Age 16 or 18 to try and contact Father

Dill

It does muddy the waters a bit if the nephew (the 16 year old's father) has Aspergers, which could explain his lack of social skills and understanding. My guess is that it is not his intention to be cruel, but his way of expressing things could easily be misconstrued.

fairy_lights

Susan1942 wrote: »

He also told her that he wanted to support her and the baby and mentioned a sum he was willing to give her.

That sort of sounds like he was trying to pay her off. If he does have undiagnosed aspergers, as well as very controlling parents, I can only wonder the impression she got from their behaviour when the baby was born.

onomatopoeia99

fairy_lights wrote: »

That sort of sounds like he was trying to pay her off.

Sounds to me like he was volunteering to pay maintenance for the child, as any responsible parent would, without first having been asked.

Can't find anything to fault in that.

Susan1942

Absolutely he was offering to give her so much every week. Can't remember but for 16 years ago it was generous. I do feel sorry for him. This relationship was just a matter of weeks. She was desperate to have a baby (kept telling everyone) and as soon as she found out she was pregnant she wanted nothing to do with him. Her idea was that when she had a baby she would be able to get a house. As I have said her Father contacted him when the baby was born. He was delighted and got away from work bought a big bouquet of flowers and went rushing up to the hospital .They would not let him in or maybe the girl would not see him. He was devastated and did try by contacting her parents Offers were made to buy pram cots as well as offers of maintainence. As I said they wanted him to put his name on the birth certificate and he was very happy about that When they came the next day to pick him up he was asked to go in one car and she was in the other He was not to see the baby so understandably he didn't go with them under these circumstances. This has come as a bolt out of the blue and it has hit him like a sledge hammer. It is probably bringing up all the memories of the past hurts. He has hardly slept the past 2 nights.
I know he will want to see his Son but it is finding a way round this conflict.
I think he needs time to get his head around it all. Had she still been living in Scotland it might have been easier. He is a good caring person who always wants to do the right thing but struggles with decision making.

warby68

I posted earlier a little bluntly

I really do feel for all parties here but its actually quite simple - does your nephew want to acknowledge and possibly have contact with his son? If yes, the best way is to follow the lead being given and see where it goes.

He might have to prepare for a bumpy ride but better that than outright rejection of a 16 year old which makes no sense at all when he has been saving up for this child since he was born.

I actually don't think he should have too much time to think - I suspect he will have already given off negative vibes by closing Facebook after the message. That could already seem like rejection and might need quickly undoing. They can also locate him and make physical contact at any point they choose from what you've said. Rejection might just make that happen, and have someone turn up on the doorstep when he is ill prepared and giving all the wrong signals.

Maybe try and encourage him to view it as a step by step process - just an initial warm hello and see what happens next.

I have 16 and 14 year old sons - turning into young menby the day but plainly also still children. I don't think nephew has a choice but to go through mum and not around her.

Good luck - you are a caring auntie and can hopefully keep giving them support

Susan1942

Thanks for your kind words For now my Sister has asked me to step back and give him space I did email him this am and later in the day. I just said "Are you OK" I have not heard from my Sister or him since his 4 15 email. I don't know if I said a close family friend of my Sister and the family died last week and the funeral is on Friday A friend of 48 years and an adopted Aunt of my Nephew The whole family are struggling and I feel that I do not want to put any more pressure on any of them. I in my heart know that my Nephew is very torn. He has spoken about him to his Mum over the years and never forgets his birth date and how old he would be now. I think 18 has always been in his mind mainly as my Sister said that he could contact is Dad without his Mum's consent. I don't think it ever occured to him that the contact might come through the Mother. Again many many thanks for all the support I do appreciate it. Sue

Mojisola

Susan1942 wrote: »

I don't know if I said a close family friend of my Sister and the family died last week and the funeral is on Friday

A friend of 48 years and an adopted Aunt of my Nephew The whole family are struggling and I feel that I do not want to put any more pressure on any of them.

What a shame that he couldn't reply to the initial contact with a simple message explaining that.

All his son knows that his father reacted to their message by shutting down FB and failing to send a message by any other route - total rejection.

theoretica

This situation sounds complicated to me - but won't be the only similarly complicated family situation there is, and there will be people with experience in very similar situations. It would seem sensible to me to seek expert support - for the father, the son and establishing a relationship. Do any of these charities or organisations seem promising to you?
www.fnf.org.uk
www.separatedfamilies.org.uk
http://www.opfs.org.uk

There are others!

Susan1942

Thanks again for all the support I had a quick look on FB just now and see that my Nephews account is up and running again This would lead me to perhaps believe that he may have made some contact with the Mother of his Son
If that is the case hopefully he can sort something out
I hope that having told him I thought what he suggested I write was totally inappropriate
I said it was cold and damaging that he will have reconsidered how he goes about making contact
For now I am going to wait until he lets me know My Sister writes to me every night so no doubt she will update me Sue

LannieDuck

This is utterly ridiculous. You say that he wants to have contact with his son. His son is asking to have contact with him.

Why is it any more complicated than that?