Age 16 or 18 to try and contact Father

Robisere

I have picked up on the "medical issues" spoken of earlier. It sounds to me that your nephew has some form of Aspergers Syndrome. I have a grandson with this problem, now in his 20's and he has developed well because he had a (single) mother who was NOT overbearing. As grandparents, we supported and helped her to help and support him, he now has a fantastic position in a good company and a flat of his own.

I have thought about the form our grandson's development might have taken, had his mum and ourselves restricted him and made him live at home. I believe he would have never made it on his own, but been stifled by the pressure of overbearing parents.

As to his son, please tell him to meet him. It may be something they both need. Our grandson's dad left for another woman when he was a toddler, with no contact for many years. I can understand the lad wanting to know his dad, that is a natural human desire. The fact that the lad is taking his GCE's, might be an indication that he is thinking about his own future, with respect to his past. It might be a little awkward for both of them at first. I would like to suggest that you accompany your nephew to the meeting initially, then bow out and arrange to meet one or both of them later, at a time that they decide via a phone call.

Good luck: you sound like the kind of aunt that every nephew or niece should have!

Person_one

Susan1942 wrote: »

Thank you for all your responses I have just come home and had a further response from my Sister. I live in England and they are in Scotland so no chance to talk to him face to face
My Sister has obviously thought about what I have said to her She says her son was devastated as when the baby was born her father send him a message
He got off work early bought a big bouquet of flowers and went to the hospital but they would not allow him to see her or the baby
She has told him that I thought he should just send a very brief email but she is saying he is not to make any rash decision. She says I might not think she was taking things the right way. She told him that if he does not respond then I said that the boy might think he was rejecting him His Father wants him to have nothing whatsover to do with her. Apparently the people he works with are also warning him to watch out for himself.
She says why would she leave it for 16 years
She is asking if I can give him any guidance and that he will write to me He is a great worrier and didn't sleep last night. I am going to call him to talk to him I know in his heart he wants to make contact. I hope what I am doing is the right thing His mother and father are both overbearing. I will do the best I can to give him the best advice I can
I am so appreciative of all the responses from all of you Will let you know how it goes.
Sue

I'm starting to understand why the poor teenage girl wanted as little to do with this family as possible!

Susan1942

Thanks so much for that. I feel more like the Grandmother than the Aunt but I really care about my nephew. I decided to write to him for now rather than have a telephone conversation where we go off the important points.
Have told him that his Mum has asked me to give him some guidance on this. He worries about everything
I have said that whatever the history between the Mother and himself this boy did not ask to be born and that he had no say in having contact with him. I said that he and his mother owe him the opportunity to meet his Father. Also that this mother is doing what she thinks is best for her son and that if he were in his Sons position the contact would probably come from his own Mother.
I said that the mother may be concerned because things were so ugly back then he might reject him but I have said that his Son should not be judged by the sins of the Mother.
I have told him I think his parents are wrong. I know all these years he has never stopped thinking about his son and that his son is reaching out to him now.
Also this girl has never taken a penny from him but she could easily have gone to the CSA years ago but didn't. I told him that the only reason she is contacting him is because his Son wants to know him and has no ulterior motive I have told him to follow his heart. He may only ever get this one chance and said don't blow it. No doubt he will come back to me. BUT the pressure from his Parents may overcome the advice I am giving him. Thanks again for all the advice Sue

duchy

tea_lover wrote: »

Your sister needs to seriously butt out before she ruins any chance your nephew has of ever having a relationship with his son. It sounds as if he'd have been on the birth certificate if she hadn't kicked up a fuss.

The lad's mother probably remembers how controlling the father's parents were and weren't prepared to have them be rude or reject her son - so made the first move herself. She may not even want her son to have any contact (I mean would you ? It sounds like a horrible family dynamic) with either the grandparents or the father herself but is respecting her son's wishes and making first contact.

harrys_nan

Oh for goodness sake, just tell your nephew to start the ball rolling and meet his son, who knows what is round the corner for any of us.

Different circumstances altogether, but I didn't get to meet my dad until I was 40 met him twice (different countries) before he passed, so I never really got to know him.

Susan1942

I agree but I am doing what I can to help both sides for the boy's sake My nephew took the photo my Sister sent me off FB I don't think he would have done this if he didn't care.
Just read your post and I am sorry that you met your Father late in your life and only had 2 opportunities to meet. Very sad but at least you did meet in the end
Sue

swingaloo

Susan1942 wrote: »

Thanks so much for that. I feel more like the Grandmother than the Aunt but I really care about my nephew. I decided to write to him for now rather than have a telephone conversation where we go off the important points.
Have told him that his Mum has asked me to give him some guidance on this. He worries about everything
I have said that whatever the history between the Mother and himself this boy did not ask to be born and that he had no say in having contact with him. I said that he and his mother owe him the opportunity to meet his Father. Also that this mother is doing what she thinks is best for her son and that if he were in his Sons position the contact would probably come from his own Mother.
I said that the mother may be concerned because things were so ugly back then he might reject him but I have said that his Son should not be judged by the sins of the Mother.
I have told him I think his parents are wrong. I know all these years he has never stopped thinking about his son and that his son is reaching out to him now.
Also this girl has never taken a penny from him but she could easily have gone to the CSA years ago but didn't. I told him that the only reason she is contacting him is because his Son wants to know him and has no ulterior motive I have told him to follow his heart. He may only ever get this one chance and said don't blow it. No doubt he will come back to me. BUT the pressure from his Parents may overcome the advice I am giving him. Thanks again for all the advice Sue

WOW, really! Im glad for the childs sake that his mother hasn't had the same attitude

Susan1942

Update I have had an email from my nephew He has asked me to send a message on FB via the Mothers page saying simply
Paul says hello and would like you to know that he is ok. He would like to take the opportunity to say he's pleased that yor life has turned out well and passes on his kindest regards
He says just leave it that Id rather not make any quoted in it about being his father etc
Says at least this way it shows that Ive at least acknowledged him although indirectly It would make me feel better than doing nothing He says that these few words would demonstrate that he is not shuttind out of his life as I have acknowledged him in return Says what he wishes to do after that is up to him Says he hopes the mother will pass the message to him
Says he rather not have any further contact with her after that Even if she replies I dont wish to respond and leave it to XXX is he wishes to come and see me after that
Got a further email saying
Can I stress that if you do agree to send this short message from me that you only send what I ask
Says he does not want to get involved on any dialogue at all with the girl and the rest of her family Says they have been very sinister to him in the past and he is suspicious of her motives here
Asks me not to reply to any further messages that she sends me and he would nnot wish to answer them
Advice should I do it or let him do this himself
Should I say I will do it if he says he is happy for the boy to contact him It puts me in a difficult position I suspect that his parents will have a hand in what he is asking me to do He has sent me a screenshot of her FB so that it goes to the right person . Has taken himself off FB I am confused I think I will sleep on it. Sue

Person_one

Ok, is this for real? I almost hope not because if there is a real 16 year old there hoping for a relationship with his father and this is the reaction, its too awful to think about.

Dill

You seem to have inadvertently become piggy in the middle, Sue.