Age 16 or 18 to try and contact Father

elsien

Dill wrote: »

Also worth noting, if the mother of the child is really determined to make things difficult, she will. Often it is the child who suffers and the father decides that the best option is to give up the fight, because he can see the emotional damage that is being done to his child by the tug of war between its parents.

I would agree that this does happen. However in this case it doesn't appear that the nephew put up much of a fight at all. The baby wasn't at an age where it would have known any different had dad decided to pursue it at that point. But he didn't.

He runs the strong risk that if he follows his mother's advice and doesn't respond this time he may not get another chance. If they were after his money they'd have done it long before now. Take the approach at face value and see where it goes.

fairy_lights

Susan1942 wrote: »

They are very over bearing parents and he is always pressurised to do what they want in the end My Nephew is still living at home as they say he would not manage on his own He has got a lot of health issues I would think that my Nephew may be somewhere on the autistic spectrum He was obsessive about certain things as a boy He holds down a job works lots of overtime and is really good with saving etc but he gets little say in making changes in his life.

Your nephew is a full grown man, if he wants to have a relationship with his son then it's down to him to decide how to move forward. If he's managing to hold down a good job and is good with his money then I really don't see why he has to stay living with his overbearing parents and let them control his life, regardless of his health issues.

This may sounds insensitive but he really needs to get a grip and learn to make decisions using his own judgement, especially about things as important and life changing as his own child.

TBagpuss

Susan1942 wrote: »

Still to write to my Nephew but had a response from my Sister
She says Paul does not want to anything to do with the girl If the boy contacts him himself he would really like to meet him I was sent a photo but my nephew took if from FB
She is saying why after 16 years i just hope it is the boy who is asking about him and not hiw twisted mother She was here a no of times and I have the letters she wrote to im before so she can't deny she was horrible to my son
She just says we will see if he writes to my nephew I fear unless there is some contact from my Nephew the boy will feel he is being rejected and will not make the contact I will write to my sister again and try and get her to see it from a different prosepective
Although this girl has brought him up on her own She has never gone to the CSA over the years so I really do think it is boy who wants the contact He may have waited or she has waited until he was 16
I still have to write to my nephew I am wondering if the boy is on FB that my Nephew could send him a private message on their if he won't answer her email My sister is wrong and advising him wrongly
Sorry to be moaning again but I do appreciate the advice I am going to copy what has been suggested in allowing the boy to contact him by responding to the mother giving details etc. Thanks again Sue

Oh for heaven;s sake. Your sister nad her husband need to stop interfrreing. What makes them, or your nephew, think that this woman, who is married and has had nothing to do with him for 16 years, is suddenly going to want to have naything to do with him?

As a parent he may need to elarn to cope with speaking to, or ocassionally meeting, his ex, in order to facilitate contact.
He needs to grow up and act like an adult, which includes beng able to be civil to someone he may not personally like.

I would say that your nephew should respond to the original message he recieved. if it came from the boy's mum, he should respond to her. Going behind her back to contact her son directly is not likely to get the relationship off to a good start.

Respind as soon as he can, say he is interested in getting to know hios son, and take it from there.

Nothin you have said suggestes that there is anything particualrly 'wisted' about this biys mothers. She mayu not have behaved in the best way by excluding your nephew to begin with but it sounds as though he was very much under the thumb of his own paretns, perhaps she wasnted to steer well clear of that. She hasn't sought any money from him and she's now, on the face of it, supporting her son but helping him to make contact with his dad now that he wishes to do so.

Even if she was 'twisted' 16 years ago why assume that she hasn't grown and matured since then.

If your nephew doesn;t respond, or if he folows his mother's advice and tries to demans that his son waits 2 unecessary years, or tries to circumvent the lines of communication which have been opened, or to otherwise put conditions on this, he is likely to alienate his son and lose his chance to get to know him.

He has nothing to lose by responding in a friendly, positive way, having the basic courtesy to respond to the person who contacted him and using the channel of communication they used.

To be honest, it sounds as though your sister is bent on sabotaging any chance he has of a relationship with his son.

pinkshoes

Don't discuss it with your sister, just your nephew.

Why not invite him round to your house, help him set up a Facebook account, then contact his son via Facebook?

He may not like the boy's mother, but it is something he needs to deal with if he wants to get to know his son. A small price to pay...

The son will no doubt be thrilled to know his dad has been putting money aside and actually thinking of him every year, rather than not caring he exists. He may have been told a variety of stories about his dad...

Angry_Bear

elsien wrote: »

He runs the strong risk that if he follows his mother's advice and doesn't respond this time he may not get another chance.

This. This. This.

It will almost certainly have been difficult enough for the boy to approach his mother and ask her to make contact with a father he has never known. A "come back in two years" or even just a petty "not unless he makes contact himself" is likely to make sure your nephew never hears from his son again.

I hope you nephew ignores all the games, silliness and worries about "ulterior motives" and follows PeacefulWaters' advice to reply with an enthusiatic "Yes, I'd love to have contact with my son!" otherwise father and son may never get to build any sort of relationship.

Susan1942

Thank you for all your responses I have just come home and had a further response from my Sister. I live in England and they are in Scotland so no chance to talk to him face to face
My Sister has obviously thought about what I have said to her She says her son was devastated as when the baby was born her father send him a message
He got off work early bought a big bouquet of flowers and went to the hospital but they would not allow him to see her or the baby
She has told him that I thought he should just send a very brief email but she is saying he is not to make any rash decision. She says I might not think she was taking things the right way. She told him that if he does not respond then I said that the boy might think he was rejecting him His Father wants him to have nothing whatsover to do with her. Apparently the people he works with are also warning him to watch out for himself.
She says why would she leave it for 16 years
She is asking if I can give him any guidance and that he will write to me He is a great worrier and didn't sleep last night. I am going to call him to talk to him I know in his heart he wants to make contact. I hope what I am doing is the right thing His mother and father are both overbearing. I will do the best I can to give him the best advice I can
I am so appreciative of all the responses from all of you Will let you know how it goes.
Sue

swingaloo

It may well be that the 'twisted mother' was nothing but a frightened young girl who was intimidated by her parents when she had the baby.

It could also be that she and her parents wanted the child to have to have nothing to do with your nephew or his side of the family because of the way your sister acted at the time.

Seems like your sister has a lot to answer for and your nephew really needs to man up. One day his parents will be gone and he will have years to regret not stepping up to the mark for his son.

TBagpuss

She says why would she leave it for 16 years

Why not? The original message was that the son is now 16 and asking questions. I don't understand why your sister is so reluctant to accept that the most likely reason they are getting in contact now isexactly the reason that they have been given. That the boy is now 16 and he is asking questions.

Added to which, I cannot for the life of me understnad what your sister is scared of. What on earth does she think is going to happen if your nephew responds? No matter what his ex girlfriend may think of him, or his mother, it's highly unlikely that she has been plotting or biding her time for some form of trouble making for 16 years.

The worst cae scenario is that she might ask for some finacial support, and since your nephew is willing to proivde that anyway he's got nothing to lose.


In what possible way is it making a rash decision?

if your nephew does not want to make contact with his son he needs to admit that, and respond accordingly.

Otherwise, he shoukdl accept that there is absolutely no reason to suppose that this is anything other than what it appears to be - a teenager curious about his father, and a mother with the sense not to alienate her son by trying to stop him.

tea_lover

Can you draw his attention to this thread OP? It's rare to get anything even close to a unified response on here, so that in itself is quite revealing.

Ames

If she remarried and had other kids, is it possible that the son has only just been told who his father is? And that's why there's 'suddenly' been contact?