Age 16 or 18 to try and contact Father

elsien

If your nephew is on the spectrum then someone needs to spell out to him very clearly the mess he is about to make of any potential relationship with his son.
He cannot have a relationship with him with no contact with the rest of the family. Even if it's just courtesies about meeting arrangements or whatever. It's not going to happen. Not for any "sinister" reasons but because son does not exist in isolation.
If your nephew is still genuinely banging on about the relationship with the ex off his own bat then he clearly hasn't learned how to let go and move on. Which is very sad for him and something he should consider getting help for if he wants any sort of normal relationship in the future.
I would decline to be his go between. That's a cop out. I'm actually starting to think that other than satisfying his curiosity the son might be better off without him.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I wasn't told until then because 'I decided to wait until after you were 18' and wasn't given accurate/contact details.

He dropped dead in his fifties, before I could ever find where he lived. I was 19 at the time but never knew him and he never knew I wanted to meet him.



Get in touch now. You never know what could happen in the next two years.

warby68

For goodness sake, everyone needs to stop all the emailing and the subterfuge and speak - even meet up and chat it through

There is a clueless man and an innocent 16 year old to help here

OF COURSE the mother will lead the way - he is her child still, not an adult yet. Your nephews parents are still controlling things for him at 38!

You have my sympathies Sue -the rest of your family seem to want to spite the mother and forget the real priorities. It is becoming more and more obvious why the mum probably chose to go it alone sadly.

A little off-topic but imo Facebook is not the place for any of this - a place for childish flouncing as nephew is demonstrating. If you can't speak at least have an open, straightforward Email or text channel.

Whatever you do, do NOT send the dictated message - how bloody awful.

Also, if your nephew does have a condition that make issues difficult to deal with 'normally' this HAS to be shared with the son as soon as possible so he understands the 'off' nature of his dad's tone etc.

Wishing you luck but please stay as counsellor and not go-between. The latter always end up with the blame.

missbiggles1

Susan1942 wrote: »

Thank you all again. I have just sent my nephew an email. I said I was not happy to make contact and send a message under these conditions. I said you are a 38 year old man and should do this yourself. You don't have to say much just that if the boy wants to get in touch you would be happy to meet up with him.
I said just remember he is a 16 year old boy and you might need to go and meet him.
I have said this has got to come from you not your Mum Dad or me but yourself. If you don't want to meet the boy that is your choice but it may be your only opportunity.
I have tried to give you the best advice but have never said I would do anything on your behalf. The ball is in your court. Let me know what you decide. !!
Sue

I hadn't realised that he was 22 when all this happened, I'd assumed that he was the same age as the girl! Puts rather a different slant on things, I feel.

peachyprice

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I hadn't realised that he was 22 when all this happened, I'd assumed that he was the same age as the girl! Puts rather a different slant on things, I feel.

How old was the girl?

duchy

I certainly wouldn't be posting messages like that on FB.

I'd give your local council a ring and have a chat with the adoption social worker . (Doesn't matter if the nephew or son don't live in the same borough). When my partner was looking for his birth mother ours was amazingly helpful and was willing to act as a go between in initiating contact and was also used to dealing with people who were frankly terrified of making contact after many years.

My bet is your nephew is thinking that as the approach is coming from the mother he thinks or maybe is being told she's after 16 years back dated child support and also hasn't a clue how to explain to a nearly adult why he hasn't bothered with him for 16 years.

It can take a while to process a parent or child reappearing - and the best thing you can do at this point is try to prevent your nephew doing anything damaging )like that godawful FB message) and give him time to process and think things through.

Susan1942

Thanks again for your replies. I had an email from my Sister last night saying he was in a terrible state She says he is all over the place and keeps changing his mind about what he wants to do My Sister has now told him that it is his decision but to take his time. He has always thought and hoped on day that the boy would contact him but this has come as a shock to him. If it had been the boy and not the mother I think the whole situation would be different. He is very immature and struggles to make decisions I agree that FB is the wrong avenue for this.
He sent me an email at 4 15 this am so obviously not sleeping Said he is thinking about what I have said and he will make a decision in a few days as to what he will do next.
My Sister said that the phone rang 5 times yesterday but it went to answer but no message was left. They live in the same house and have the same phone no so they could contact him there if need be.
I have told him to take his time in making that decision I can't do anything else. I am close to him and I do feel for him I do hope that he will decide to make contact with his Son. He could merely say same address phone no so ask him to contact me.
Still concerned! Sue

Susan1942

I think the girl is the same age. A close family friend of 48 years that my nephew called Aunt died last week after a prolonged terrible painful cancer illness. Everyone is very upset and the funeral is not until Friday
I am living in England and my nephew is in Scotland so no opportunity to meet up. I am going to leave things for now and give him a bit of space and time to come to a decision.
Sue

TBagpuss

If it had been the boy and not the mother I think the whole situation would be different.

Does your nephew understnad that this is a 16 year old child we are talking about? It's a very brave, and difficult thing for him to try to reach out to the dad he has never met.

It is a positive thing that his mother has sent the message as it suggests that she is supportive of her son's wish to make contact.

The original message said that the son was asking queations, so it sounds as though this *is* the son, he is sumply being supported by his mum.

You still haven't explained what, specifcally, your sister or nephew fear is going to happen if he responds. Have they told you?

It may help to know:

• Child Support
  The mother knows who the father is and where he lives. If she does want to ask for child support she can do so regardless of whether he responds to the message or not. Contact and financial support are two totally separate issues.
  So he has nothing to risk, or to lose, from that perpestive, in responding
  
• Harassment
  You mention various vague worries but no specifics. However, if he has specifc concerns (for example, if he thinks she will accuse him of something if he responds) then again, he is over thinking it. She has contact him, so unless he were stupid enough to start issuing threats or abuse, his responding is not going to open him up to any allegations.
  Responding by e-mail means you have a paper trail showing who said what and when if any allegations were made. She already knows where he lives so if she wanted to cause trouble she wouldn't ned to contact him first.
  If he simply doesn't want to speak to his ex then he needs to understandthat this is not about him. It's about his son, and it is perfectly normal, and natural, that he son would want the support of him mum in the dificult initial steps. it is unrealistic of him to suppose that he exclude her.
  He is an adult and so is she, surely he can understand that sometimes you have to talk to, and be civil to, people you may not get on with
  
• meeting up
  If his son decides he wants to see him, your nephew will need to recognise that this may well involve the mum to start with. If he has concerns about her behaviour then he can arrange for any meting to be in a public place (McDonalds, or somewhere similar, in a large shopping centre, can be good for this sort of thing - lots of people, secuity, etc, eveyone can feel safe and anyone can leave easily if they feel uncomfortable)
  
  I would suggest that you encourage your nephew to respond.
  
  A suitable response might be something like
  
  "Thank you for making contact. I would love to have the change to get to know [Son] and of course would be happy to answer any questions he has.
  Is he comfortable contacting me directly? If so, the best way of doing so is via my e-mail address [address]
  If not, perhaps you could e-mail me at that address with any questions he has and I will be happy to respond, and hope he will feel comfotable getting in touch directly once he knows a little more"
  
  If your nephew feels more confortable doing so he could set up a new , free e-mail account to usesolely for this prpose, tat way if hings do go downhill he can simply stop checking that address for a while.
  

If (as it sounds from whay you've said) your nephew does have any medical issues or in non neuro-typical I would very strongly recommend that you follow the advise of previous posters and that someone sets out some detals of his contition and how it afects his intereactions with others, and sends that with his message, so that his ex and son know that if his responses seem wierd or cold (which they do, on the draft you posted) that they have some understnading of why this is.

If your nephew is autistic or on the spectrum then I agree that it would be helpful for someone to sit down and explain to him how potentially damaging and inappropriate his propsoed response is. It does, as others have said, come across as a brush off and will probably result in his son withdrawing and making no further attempts to make contact.

Does your nephew have a support worker or anyone of that kind who could help him to forumlate an appropriate response and perhaps to provide an explaination for any healhjt issues at the same time?

Susan1942

Thank you for your wise words. The issue of this boy being on the spectrum is not something the Parents would ever accept even it is as plain as the nose on your face. We the family recognise it He was sent when he was at school for some assessments but were never told the outcome It is simply there is nothing wrong he is just very young. It is not about money I am sure as when the baby was born he and the family offered to buy pram cot etc. He also told her that he wanted to support her and the baby and mentioned a sum he was willing to give her. Her family refused point bland to accept any help She moved away when the baby was maybe about 18 months so no contact until 2 days ago He was not prepared for this type of contract and he was so badly hurt by her I can understand his reluctance in getting into contact with her. I have tried as you say to say this is a 16 year old
She wrote really nasty letters and there was a lawyers letter not sure what it said but maybe telling him not to contact her again His Father saw the baby one day as he bumped into the girl He asked her why she was being so cruel to his son in not giving him any contact His Father is therefore angry as he saw what it did to his son who was devastated. At that time his Mother advised him to open a bank account and put money in it so that if and when the boy contacted him he would have something to give and let him know that he has never forgotten him As my Sister says he talks about him and says do you think he will he contact me when he is 18 They felt then he would be an adult and would not need his mothers permission. They all knew his age because he talks about him from time to time
My Sister says it is not the Sons fault but that she has to protect and help her Son
He is very sheltered but a very kind loving generous son who would do anything for anyone. I think that both Son and Father would gain from being in contact
There is just this suspicion that the girl has got some hidden agenda. I don't think so but ? I think the idea of a new email address is a great idea and he could use this for the contact For now the only contact he has is her FB account as this is how she contacted him As said he still has the same telephone home no and the same address so she could write or call him. I know he will be worrying himself sick. He will want in his heart to do the right thing. Maybe he just needs a bit of time to think this through I have told him I am here for him anytime
Thanks again What people are saying all makes sense but how do you transmit that to where it matters Sue