Age 16 or 18 to try and contact Father

Susan1942

Thanks to all of you for your responses and I totally agree with everything that has been said
I have just emailed my Sister We don't speak on the phone because of issued with her husband
I have told her to let him reply to the email and agree to the boy contacting him and agree to meet They are very over bearing parents and he is always pressurised to do what they want in the end My Nephew is still living at home as they say he would not manage on his own He has got a lot of health issues I would think that my Nephew may be somewhere on the autistic spectrum He was obsessive about certain things as a boy He holds down a job works lots of overtime and is really good with saving etc but he gets little say in making changes in his life. I feel very sorry for him every decision he makes the veto it often and he bends as he does not want to upset them either They are wrong here but it is my Sister and she is very forceful I am going to speak to Paul myself and give him some advice I know that any chance of having contact with his son could be damaged forever if he does nothing It will not be a popular decision with his parents but he needs to man up Thanks again Sue

PeacefulWaters

Ideally:

"I would love to see him and would appreciate your help in making this happen. I hope you're both well. Please ask him to call me on xxxxx, or call me on his behalf, and we can arrange things from there. Thank you."

No games.

peachyprice

I think your sister is getting confused with the age adopted children can access their adoption records.

I think it's a great idea to let your nephew know that you're there to support him if his parents try to take over again. It sounds like he needs someone in his corner sticking up for him.

Good luck, I hope it all works out well for him.

Susan1942

:jThanks again I am just going to email him and advise him in what you all and I think is right. I will not be popular but I want this to be best for my nephew and his son. There is no malice in my advice. I know in his heart he wants to make contact I think she may have contacted him through FB and now I see he has removed his account. I know this will have been the parents who have told him to do this. He does come on and off FB as sometimes rib him about things and he is hurt. After a while he is back on again. His parents are against being on FB in the first place Just against FB in general Sue

Susan1942

Still to write to my Nephew but had a response from my Sister
She says he does not want to anything to do with the girl If the boy contacts him himself he would really like to meet him I was sent a photo but my nephew took if from FB
She is saying why after 16 years she just hopes it is the boy who is asking about him and not his twisted mother She was here a no of times and I have the letters she wrote to him before so she can't deny she was horrible to my son
She just says we will see if he writes to my nephew I fear unless there is some contact from my Nephew the boy will feel he is being rejected and will not make the contact I will write to my sister again and try and get her to see it from a different prosepective
Although this girl has brought him up on her own She has never gone to the CSA over the years so I really do think it is boy who wants the contact. He may have waited or she has waited until he was 16
I still have to write to my nephew I am wondering if the boy is on FB that my Nephew could send him a private message on there if he won't answer her email My sister is wrong and advising him wrongly
Sorry to be moaning again but I do appreciate the advice I am going to copy what has been suggested in allowing the boy to contact him by responding to the mother giving details etc. Thanks again Sue

Dill

A lot of fathers don't want to drag the baby through a tug-match, so if the mother is uncooperative and won't allow access they often just give up rather than go through the courts, even though they love the baby and are terribly hurt that they can't see the child.

It is a shame that some women behave like this. I can't think what's to be gained by denying the child the chance to see his father and his father's family, but sadly the law does seem to be firmly on the side of the mother, especially when the baby is very young.

I hope your nephew gets the chance to speak to his son again, OP. I don't know what the mum will have told the boy in the meantime (I'd think she is unlikely to tell him that she denied his father access!) PeacefulWaters in post 13 has probably the best advice.

elsien

You might want to take your nephew's name out of the post as well.

Seems to me it's your sister who's really not helping.. Yes your nephew was hurt at the time, but that was 16 years ago and they need to move on and look at the situation as it is now. People change, they were both very young, and may well be very different people 16 years later. Your sister is being overbearing and over-protective of her son. Her attitude with the birth certificate saga probably didn't help and burned any change of rebuilding any bridges.

Who has asked you for advice, your sister or your nephew? Because if it's your nephew I'd continue the conversation with him directly.
And there is nothing to stop him from setting up a FB account and refusing his parents as friends if he doesn't want them monitoring his life. He does really need to start drawing some boundaries there if he is able to assert himself at all.

ETA - I wouldn't mention the money at this point either, that can come later when he's found out more about his son, what he's like and how best to use it to help him.

PeacefulWaters

Your sister is being overbearing and over-protective of her son

I think that's generous.

Person_one

Dill wrote: »

It is a shame that some women behave like this. I can't think what's to be gained by denying the child the chance to see his father and his father's family, but sadly the law does seem to be firmly on the side of the mother, especially when the baby is very young.

The law is only ever on the side of the child.

I know dads who have gone to court to make sure they kept contact with their children, it's not easy but no judge in the world will stop a good dad from seeing their children. If they don't take that step how can they claim they tried everything?

Dill

Person_one wrote: »

The law is only ever on the side of the child.

I know dads who have gone to court to make sure they kept contact with their children, it's not easy but no judge in the world will stop a good dad from seeing their children. If they don't take that step how can they claim they tried everything?

Perhaps it costs too much money to pursue it through the courts. Cuts have been made to legal aid. Though obviously in the OP's case we are talking about 16 years ago.

Also worth noting, if the mother of the child is really determined to make things difficult, she will. Often it is the child who suffers and the father decides that the best option is to give up the fight, because he can see the emotional damage that is being done to his child by the tug of war between its parents.

Anyone who finds themselves newly in this situation should think about contacting Families Need Fathers. (nb, NOT fathers for Justice, who seem to be more militant, shall we say)