large booking at restaurant- how to split the bill?

moneyistooshorttomention

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I agree too, I think it's insensitive of the person inviting and embarrassing for the person being invited, if you know they can't afford it, and I even think they could think you are just trying to show them up.

There's a risk with either tactic - be it the "invite them and wonder if they might feel embarrassed about not being able to afford it" or "don't invite them - and they might feel slighted".

Personally - I'd invite them and it's up to them. I know I can't afford anything particularly expensive - and I guess my friends do too. But I'd feel "slighted" if not invited. Along the lines of "I thought they were my friends - and yet they are off to x and havent even asked me. Oh!"

If I can't afford something then personally I just think "Well - that's not my fault/choice about the low level of income I have. I havent gone and blown money madly either. I did what I could to plan on having a reasonable income level. I've basically always had a full-time job till retirement. So why would I feel embarrassed at that income level being a low one - as that's not 'down to me'? "

I think most people on low income won't regard it as being "their fault" that they are on low income - so why be embarrassed about it?

(Mind you - for those of us living in poorer parts of the country that's rather academic anyway. Reason being any "social life" things arent going to be expensive there anyway.)

Thinks - shall now go off and google about, for instance, the dearest night out it's possible to have here if really "pushing the boat out". The last "show" I saw was a "Cawl a Chan" evening for £5 (ie soup and listen to a Welsh male voice choir)...

Jagraf

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

There's a risk with either tactic - be it the "invite them and wonder if they might feel embarrassed about not being able to afford it" or "don't invite them - and they might feel slighted".

Personally - I'd invite them and it's up to them. I know I can't afford anything particularly expensive - and I guess my friends do too. But I'd feel "slighted" if not invited. Along the lines of "I thought they were my friends - and yet they are off to x and havent even asked me. Oh!"

If I can't afford something then personally I just think "Well - that's not my fault/choice about the low level of income I have. I havent gone and blown money madly either. I did what I could to plan on having a reasonable income level. I've basically always had a full-time job till retirement. So why would I feel embarrassed at that income level being a low one - as that's not 'down to me'? "

I think most people on low income won't regard it as being "their fault" that they are on low income - so why be embarrassed about it?

(Mind you - for those of us living in poorer parts of the country that's rather academic anyway. Reason being any "social life" things arent going to be expensive there anyway.)

Thinks - shall now go off and google about, for instance, the dearest night out it's possible to have here if really "pushing the boat out". The last "show" I saw was a "Cawl a Chan" evening for £5 (ie soup and listen to a Welsh male voice choir)...

My reason for not being able to afford things was following an affair my ex husband had - who he subsequently left me for with s child to bring up and a mortgage to pay as a single parent. I went from having a "middle class" lifestyle to being in tens of thousands of debt. I had much less than those on "low incomes". I had minus money. I really didn't want to pick over £5, or keep saying no to invites, it was so depressing and that just made it worse for me (why did people throw my situation in my face?) I can only go by experience and I'm not in that situation any more. If I want to spend time with certain friends we choose what is financially comfortable at the offset. Which may mean a coffee or a biscuit or the theatre or a cruise.

Some people may think it "sad" but I don't see these friends any less, we just choose a different venue.

That's how I felt anyway.

Andypandyboy

onlyroz wrote: »

You talk about being "put into a situation" as if the concept of eating with somebody new is totally alien. Can you imagine a scenario where one of your established friends brought along a guest to a meal? Would you expect this person to anticipate the size of your appetite before the visited the cashpoint on the way to the restaurant? Or would you not expect them to make an assumption over how much money to bring based upon how much *they* normally ate and drank?

I do think it's sad that you would choose to exclude people from an event based on an assumption that they must match your own appetite, rather than let them decide on how much they would be willing to spend.

If I was taking along a friend (after this debate, it wouldn't have occured to me before) then I would say "we normally just split the bill, is that ok with you" If they said it wasn't then they could just pay their own way.

I think the answer must lie in the circles we move in, in established friendships groups things become the norm. I was out last night, four of us had a meal. I had two courses, they all had three, we all had wine. The bill came to just under £120, someone picked up the bill and said £30 each plus tip. Technically, I had overpaid by the cost of a course.....but it would never have crossed my mnd to think about that, as we always just split the bill.

We are out in the same group on Saturday and the same thing will happen. It is just what we do.

moneyistooshorttomention

Well - we've gained something from this thread then - if people are going to say beforehand what their expectations are about paying. Personally - I think it's fair enough to say "We all normally split the bill" or "It's my treat this time - I'm paying for everything" or the like provided it's done beforehand.

I think what people are basically objecting to is the fact that many of us automatically assume/are used to people paying for their own individually and then it's a shock to find someone saying "we split the bill" after the event.

So - if the thread has helped even some people to clarify what their personal expectations/assumptions are beforehand with other people to see if they "match" then that's good and the thread has helped.

Jagraf

Andypandyboy wrote: »

If I was taking along a friend (after this debate, it wouldn't have occured to me before) then I would say "we normally just split the bill, is that ok with you" If they said it wasn't then they could just pay their own way.

I think the answer must lie in the circles we move in, in established friendships groups things become the norm. I was out last night, four of us had a meal. I had two courses, they all had three, we all had wine. The bill came to just under £120, someone picked up the bill and said £30 each plus tip. Technically, I had overpaid by the cost of a course.....but it would never have crossed my mnd to think about that, as we always just split the bill.

We are out in the same group on Saturday and the same thing will happen. It is just what we do.

That's exactly what we do too.

Person_one

BarryBlue wrote: »

Sorry but none of that makes any sense whatsoever. What do appetites have to do with anything unless you are nitpicking over the bill? We just seem to live in very different worlds if the price of a pudding, or whatever, is of some relevance to you. I wouldn't care less what anyone else consumed, but that's just normal for people I know.

If the price of a pudding is of no relevance to you, then why not just pay for it if you have one?

You're missing out on a lot of fantastic people if you dismiss anybody who can't just throw several pounds away for no reason.

missbiggles1

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

There's a risk with either tactic - be it the "invite them and wonder if they might feel embarrassed about not being able to afford it" or "don't invite them - and they might feel slighted".

Personally - I'd invite them and it's up to them. I know I can't afford anything particularly expensive - and I guess my friends do too. But I'd feel "slighted" if not invited. Along the lines of "I thought they were my friends - and yet they are off to x and havent even asked me. Oh!"

If I can't afford something then personally I just think "Well - that's not my fault/choice about the low level of income I have. I havent gone and blown money madly either. I did what I could to plan on having a reasonable income level. I've basically always had a full-time job till retirement. So why would I feel embarrassed at that income level being a low one - as that's not 'down to me'? "

I think most people on low income won't regard it as being "their fault" that they are on low income - so why be embarrassed about it?

(Mind you - for those of us living in poorer parts of the country that's rather academic anyway. Reason being any "social life" things arent going to be expensive there anyway.)

Thinks - shall now go off and google about, for instance, the dearest night out it's possible to have here if really "pushing the boat out". The last "show" I saw was a "Cawl a Chan" evening for £5 (ie soup and listen to a Welsh male voice choir)...

Seriously?

You expect your friends to invite you along to every meal they eat, every film they go to see, every gig they go to?:eek:

I'm afraid that sounds more like a stalker than a friend!

cbrown372

Andypandyboy wrote: »

. It is just what we do.

And that is the answer for everyone as everyone has different ways of doing things, next thread please

Person_one

Andypandyboy wrote: »

If I was taking along a friend (after this debate, it wouldn't have occured to me before) then I would say "we normally just split the bill, is that ok with you" If they said it wasn't then they could just pay their own way.

that's not really asking though, is it? No pressure in that wording at all! :rotfl:

Why not just be prepared to pay for what you have, and if it turns out that everybody orders similarly and there's not much in it you could suggest splitting the bill then, once it's obvious nobody will be taken advantage of or taking advantage by doing so?

Jagraf

Person_one wrote: »

that's not really asking though, is it? No pressure in that wording at all! :rotfl:

Why not just be prepared to pay for what you have, and if it turns out that everybody orders similarly and there's not much in it you could suggest splitting the bill then, once it's obvious nobody will be taken advantage of or taking advantage by doing so?

But I think as what APB says everyone's norm is different, so you start with your norm. It would be completely normal in all my meal eating experiences (friends, relatives, colleagues - even paying up front) where the bill is just split evenly.

The only time it wasn't was as a student where we worked out our meals / sums on the paper dining cloth.

When we used to have office get togethers we all chucked the same in prior to eating. Usualky something was left over and we put it towards the next meal out - sometimes people couldn't even go to the next meal out. No one had a problem with it.