Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

codemonkey

elsien wrote: »

Code - are there any more adjustments they can make? More working from home on a temporary basis, anywhere else you can sit or work?
I generally tend to the belief that going back is a mistake because the reasons that made you want to leave in the first place will usually still be there.
As we head towards colder weather is the heating system still going to be an issue - presumably it'll be less air conditioning and a bit more heat? Or is it any sort of draught? And how long is it till the potential office move - too long to wait?
Have you told the new people that you think the pain and the pain killers are affecting your performance?

They've made all the adjustments they physically can and have said I can work from home a lot but I can't learn my job if I'm never in the office. The vents blast air all year round(its like it hits a certain temp and then coold down by blasting freezing air) and the new building has the same set up. I just feel like I'm not able to give enough to this job as my resources are taken up by pain and I've quadrupled my painkiller usage since I started there.

whitewing

code, could you have surgery to block the problem nerve?

faerielight

Hi guya it'a all gone wqrong again with my boundaries and the carer problem has got much wqorse, before i penguin, this post is about her sharing things with me, then me seeing it as a green light to open up, 2 nights ago, but last n9ight i could tell i had upset her as she shut down and has now goe off sick because of me .. penguin abuse issues too.. please dont read if you're feeling triggery!!!!


PENGUIN

The carer e came on friday and bought me an adult colouring calendar, and some disposable cat plates, which was so sweet, but it confused me, boundary wise, cos I know you're not meant to give or get things with carers. Anyway she opened out massively to me, about her PTSD from an abusive childhood. she said she had a year of EMDR, talked openly about flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety etc, and how meek and submissive she is, so she can't stand up or speak out for herself how she thinks eshe is to blame for everything. She then talked about her friend who has been in a long term psych unit for 2 years, she's just being diagnosed with BPD, that she self harms etc, but she doesn't believe she has it. she said she is hearing voices and that her psych nurse is dealing skunk to her and other patients, (which is beyond awful). Then she said her friends e had just started remembering her childhood SA from her stepfather. I could sense the carer was a hairs breathe from naming her abuser. and abuse.


And that was the point when I was so confused as to boundaries, I got the green light to then talk about my BPD, my PTSD and that my mother SA me.
I told her to tell her friend if she gets out from her long term section, to contact the survivors charity that I'm starting therapy with, as it will help with her abuse issues.
In hindsight the conversation was getting really personal,and we both seemed really stressed, (we already were because of the situation with my friend being rude) so I lost my boundaries and the ability to look after my head and hers, . I then asked her if she had seen the programme this week called National Treasure about the historic sex abuse, she then asked if I'd seem the recent Lois Theroux documentary about Savile, and the last thing I said to her as she left was that my dad knew him, how me got me in the audience on Jim'll Fix It, I met him in his dressing room alone, he made me sit on his lap and hge got hard.
She must've been left with what I said, and I feel so awful.

She came last night and was completely shut down, not speaking and not making eye contact, I could see her vulnerability,. it was clearly so stressful for both of us, as we both musty've triggered each other.
So when it was a different carer who told me she was distraught today and has gone off sick, I knew that I had messed up so badly, and there will be horrible consequences via the care manerger this week. They had told me that if there was another "incident" they would have to send 2 carers in and get social services to get me a different care provider.

I feel like all of this , this week has been catastrophic, and I feel like it's all my fault, first my friend then me losing all boundaries and disclosing my trauma to her.
Honest to god, I don't know what to do, I'm so confused and I'm so terrified, and I feel like I'm in real big trouble . I' can't think of a wqay out other than suicide.. My BPD trashes everything, my other best friend , he has sent me an email saying he is cutting contact with me,

I'm a drowning child, and I'm pulling everyone down. I haven't eaten more than a couple of snack bars for a week, I'm not sleeping, I'm not coping, This week came out of nowhere, and my reaction to it had damaged my friendships.. I feel like I'm the one that needs to be in s psyc unit. I wish I clicked with my key worker, but she is harsh and theres no empathy, and having it every 3 wqeeks is not enough, for someone who's been through what I've been through medically and psychologically for 5 years with no mh support til now. I ask her but she refuses , There are members that have it weekly , I dont know how many ways i can tell her im not coping , I'm completely out of control with my BPD, I don't know what to do about anything. I've lost my 2 best friends of 25 years, my whole life is falling to pieces, I have the Pit Of Fear permanently in my belly, ever since all the medical trauma, my health, housing, friends, it's all caving in.. because of MY BPD. I hate thius illness so bad.it never stops costing me. I just feel so sorry for everything I've caused to people I love and people i dont know I need physical care, but my mental health spills out, I feel so trapped.

codemonkey

whitewing wrote: »

code, could you have surgery to block the problem nerve?

Nope. Only option is to completely sever the nerve, and that could make things worse. Because I have it on both sides, I'd have no feeling in my face. Neurologist doesn't want to do that.

Faerie it seems to me that you didn't do anything wrong. The carer breached the boundaries and you continued the conversation, perhaps that was the wrong thing to do but hey, you have BPD and took your cue from her. She's off sick because of her own problems., not yours.

elsien

Faerie, I think you need to stop blaming yourself for everything.
Your carer acted unprofessionally by starting the conversation and telling you the things that she did - she was blurring every boundary going.
My suggestion (from an outside perspective because I know little about BPD) is that she has realised that how she talked to you was not appropriate, and that may have been in part what triggered her going off sick. It is generally not OK for carers to over-share like that, to protect both themselves and you and I can't see that the agency would be putting all the responsibility onto you.
You are upset, you are not sleeping well, you are not eating properly and aside from anything else that will be having an impact on your emotions. Try not to panic.

whitewing

faerie

It seems to me that the carer perhaps shouldn't be doing the role that she is at this present time. That isn't your fault. It is the fault of the abusers. She may have not told her employers her history in full either.

Do you think it would help you to speak to the police about the Jimmy Saville incident? It may help you to feel that it wasn't your fault if you have it on record. It may also be something that helps to reduce the possibility of similar happening again.

I struggle with boundaries too.

You said that you trigger each other. That's good that you recognise that - you're not blaming; you're just stating it how it is. More evidence to me that you are getting better.

Don't spiral yourself down. Crap happens, even when you are trying harder than you've ever tried in your life. (I got scammed over a few months and I am trying to sort that out currently. I don't take it personally but I could do without the hassle). Maybe you have done the carer a favour in a strange way - perhaps she will be able to get some kind of help.

There may not be any consequences. How is her company going to know that you made her go off sick? She isn't likely to admit the situation to them, is she?

I can't remember all of your post so I am not ignoring other things.

Try to rest. Let the worries drift away.

whitewing

How about botox, code, or does that have a undesirable effect too?

faerielight

WW and Elein thanks so much for helping me get some perspective
Eilson I think that's exactly what happened,she overshared and felt vulnerable.
WW as she was a profession it was up to her to keep her boundaries.. I;m thinking back to
when I worked doing massage , I had to keep the boundaries, and when I used go to 5 different rehabs a week, I was working with really vulneranle people who constantly pushing against my boundearies

It seems like the care agency s wrapping her upin cotton wool as the vulnerable one,but I got triggered to, and what were they thinking sending a vulnerable person qwith more or les the same core issues as me!! I do feel terrible about the qwhole week,and I'm dreading the inwvitable from care agency as they have no carers to do my care at 8pm, it's dinner at 3 which I cant do, so they wqillhave to give me the chopp.
I

whitewing

faerie,

The agency will be 'wrapping her up in cotton wool' because they have a legal duty of care to their employees.

They may not have known how vulnerable she is. (I have been actively told not to disclose my mh to employers. I kind of disagree with that but it also makes practical sense at the moment, although I hope that attitudes change).

Be careful that you don't sound like you are trying to shift the blame onto her. I know that you aren't but it will sound like that to others and they will close ranks to protect themselves and also because your upset and anxiety will become 'catching' for the people hearing it.

Don't dread the week. That isn't helpful to yourself. Take it minute by minute and make sure that the good minutes get the same acknowledgement as the bad ones.

tea_lover

(((code))) (((faerie))) (((katiie)))... and anyone else that would appreciate a hug / hearty handshake / friendly nod or similar.

Your day out sounds amazing WaS, how lovely of your friend to organise such a lovely treat for you. I hope that you're feeling better today xx.