Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

System

Arrrrgrghhhhhhhh

PIP medical is tomorrow, well its supposed to be. AT^POS rnag me at half 5 when i was at work and left a message to callback urgently as it about the medical tomorrow and by the time i finsihed work the call center is shut. So gonna have to call at 8am to try and find out whats happening. This has really annoyed me. I've spent weeks stressing out over this medical and had finally come to terms with it and felt ready for tomorrow and now this happens and its probably cancelled and i'm going to have to endure even longer waiting for it. Do they not understand that things like this can be stressful for those with MH problems? Its lucky i'm not feeling any worse than i am cos this could seriously have pushed me further towards breaking point. :mad:

Apologies for moaning so much recently. Doctors gotback to me and want to see me asap, but my gp if on holiday till tuesday and i didnt want to start a fresh with another doctor ive never met so holding on till tuesday (i promise if it gets any worse i shall get myself seen sooner but knowing im being seen next week is making it a bit easier to deal with)

I shall commence thread catch up now..

*hugs and squishes for all*

System

Whitwing that was a deeply honest and brave account of what she went through and how its affected her. I have tears in my eyes from reading it.

Pyxis

Yes, I read that yesterday as it was mentioned on another thread.

Such bravery.

And what a !!!!head that guy was, to put it exceedingly mildly. Not his first offence either! And to say, "oh but he's a jolly good swimmer on a swimming scholarship! This could wreck his chances!"

Words totally fail me.:mad::mad::mad:

She's a wonderful person. I bet that letter has helped loads of other women, and possibly some men, too! :A

Torry_Quine

Messed up I hope you get through tomorrow and get things sorted. It's ridiculous to try and contact you so late in the day!





I read the article yesterday and thought she showed enormous courage. The assailant is however an awful person sadly supported by his father.

Pyxis

Hope the appointment remains for tomorrow, MessedUp, so that you can get it over with, and best of luck, if so!

We'll be rooting for you!

System

Pyxis wrote: »

Hope the appointment remains for tomorrow, MessedUp, so that you can get it over with, and best of luck, if so!

We'll be rooting for you!

Thank you Pyxis and Torry


I hope it still goes ahead but am prepared now for it not doing so.

I should get an early night but i'm not tired and too stressed to sleep

Waves_and_Smiles

Penguin for JM and everyone else, talks about childhood emotional abuse and a little about suicide (not me!).

This is all your fault, JM! I mean that in the nicest possible way with a huge thank you at the end. I was telling my american friend about your post to me about buckets because it really made sense to me so my friend drew it for me, one tiny little bucket of bad stuff, and next to it a huge bucket (GSD) with lots of good things in about myself. I looked at the bucket drawing and suddenly realised that I wanted to keep my back turned to the GSB, and I realised I want to hate myself, it feels safe and like I deserve it. If I have a choice to look in the GSB I don't want to.

My american friend is a very good therapist and psychologist so she asked me if I wanted to examine that further? After an hour of her asking me questions I eventually realised that I am afraid to think of myself as good because I might let people down and when I do that they die. The last time I liked myself was before my dad's suicide then as I have said before after that my remaining family told me that I had killed him and was also trying to murder my mother. Eventually, when my mother also took her life I was blamed for that too and my uncle later told me I was responsible for the death of his mother. They all told me that I was so cruel and evil that I pushed each family member to their deaths and that I intended to do so.

I am still a lot more scarred than I thought, it was a revelation to me, a huge lightbulb came on. I don't want to like myself, if I do I might get careless and then I cause people to die. Obviously, logically I don't believe this, emotionally all of the fear is still there just as it has always been. I have no idea quite what to do with this information but at least I realise it is there now. I still feel that I am to blame for my parents deaths, I was told I was for 8 years and it seems the conditioning is still there. I don't think I deserve to like myself and I am afraid to do so, I can't kill anyone else.

I feel very anxious today and very triggered but it isn't a bad thing, I needed to face how much it was all still affecting me. Perhaps it will always do so to a degree. Half of the way to solving a problem is facing that it exists so that's a start but I am not sure where to go from here. Even though in reality I did nothing wrong I still take the blame and can't forgive myself. I don't know what the answer is.

So thank you for the bucket post, JM! It revealed a lot and it has helped me understand more about myself.

End penguin

whitewing

Great post, WaS.

You can practise liking me, if you want. I promise there is nothing that you do or don't do that will cause my demise.

whitewing

Biology lessons have moved on since I was at school

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3630643/How-grow-chick-egg-NO-SHELL-using-plastic-cup-cling-wrap.html

Waves_and_Smiles

Aww, whitewing I already like you lots and lots!

I do wish I felt a bit more stable today, I feel like I used to after a particularly hard therapy sessions which makes sense because the self-realisation was the same. I am swinging between anxiety, sadness and derealisation where my brain just says nope! I am shutting off from this. As I keep saying it is a good thing really though, you can't work on something until you know it's there.