It's not a lot, but it's enough

crazy_cat_lady

It's rained constantly here in North East England for 4 days now as well. Bit miserable - think you might be driving in the same direction the rain is going tonight, but I'll cross fingers that you're not.
Have a good weekend!

SpekySquarehead

Morning everyone,

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend, despite the weather.

My trip back to Glasgow was busy, as usual. Not that I'm complaining. It was nice to see various friends and family. I don't think I'm due back up for 3 or 4 weeks for a couple of birthdays. Which reminds me, I need to get my thinking cap on.

Anyway, food shopping is pretty much done, need to go to the SM at some point today/tomorrow for a few remaining bits, including some frozen food which I couldn't have bought in Scotland and brought down as it would have half defrosted by the time I got home. Tonight, I'll stay slightly later in work followed by the gym then yoga before I go straight to bed.

Still on 8 NSD's so far this month.

SpekySquarehead

Good morning everyone,

I hope I don't jinx it, but it todays looks to be much nicer than it has been the last week or so. I can see a bit of blue sky!! Needed my sleep last night, so no gym this morning although I will go after work. I've got chicken out defrosting, cant believe I actually remembered this time! Seem to have woken up with the early stages of a coupe of cold sores unfortunately. I've layered them with cream and I'm collecting some medicine for them later. Horrid things.

Yesterday was a typical Monday for me. Nothing exciting to note at all. work > gym > yoga > bed. Well that's not strictly true as I had to visit the SM for some bits, subsequently ruining my NSD too. Still on 8.

SpekySquarehead

Morning all,

Yesterday was work > gym > home. By the time I had my dinner it was 9pm, so I only really felt like I had an hour to myself. Silly me put the washing machine on too late so I had to stay up a little bit later to put it on the clothes horse before I went to bed.

This lateness decided my fate for the gym this morning, or lack of. I'll go to yoga at lunch and potentially after work, although there's talks of going to for something to eat then the movies to watch the Maradona documentary. I can see it far enough if I'm honest. A mix of the expenditure plus these bloody cold sores which have came to say hello with a vengeance. We'll see.

Yesterday was NSD #9, with tonight's plans dictating the outcome of today's NSD.

SpekySquarehead

Morning all,

Yesterdays tenuous dinner and a movie ended up happening. We went to see the Maradona documentary which was really quite insightful as I'm no old enough to remember seeing him play in his later years. Such a terribly sad demise once drugs had him in their grip. I recon the full night cost me no more than £35. Coupled with my activities in Glasgow at the weekend, it's been a spendy week.

I didn't get to bed late, which meant I didn't go to the gym this morning. I've my weekly catch up with my lovely wee Gran tonight but I hope I can squeeze in a quick hour in the gym before then.

Still on 9 NSD's

SpekySquarehead

Good morning everyone and happy Friday!

My Thursday night turned out to be my usual Thursday night. Work > more work > gym > call with my gran > chill for an hour. She's recently been given my mums old iphone to use as her mobile and she's really not very in tune with technology like that. She was trying to explain a problem she had with it but a blend not being able to see the phone myself and her description of it meant I couldn't help. My mum will try and sort it for her. Not that she's any better.

I tried a new recipe last night; jerk potato and pineapple hash. I was very pleased with it. It does sound a bit strange but it was really quite nice and easy to make too. LO for tonighs Dinner

A busy day today in work, got 2 interviews plus a load of other things on my to-do list. My personal to-do list is much more lengthy so I'm looking forward to the weekend to get much of it done.

No spend yesterday takes me to 10 NSD's so far.

SpekySquarehead

So, you may remember that a few weeks ago, I had a bit of a mental health wobble. I’m not really sure what to call it really. An Episode? Phase? Breakdown? Burnout? All the above? Anyway, it’s really had a profound effect on me and I fully expect it will be a long lasting one at that. I now feel in a much more stable place and because of that, I wanted to write how I felt then vs now, for future reference as much as anything.

In hindsight, I had 3 days of nonstop, all-encompassing worry. And I mean nonstop. Every second of the those 72 hours was a distraction. No matter what I done (read a book, played the xbox, watched documentary, went to the gym, tried to sleep etc) my mind wondered to think about work. These thoughts would race around my mind, like it was hyper with energy, constantly bouncing from one concern to the next, each getting gradually more and more dark. Amongst this madness, I’d have a moment of realisation. I’d stop and look at myself and say “wait, where is all this coming from. Life is good, snap out of it”. That would soon fade.

It started with a concern that I might not have done enough to win over a potential deal and then my thoughts spiralled pretty quickly;

“You could have put more hours in, that might just have been what sealed the deal. Instead, you went home at 8pm to sit and watch TV?!”

To this..

“What was the point of moving to Manchester if you’re not going to graft, graft, graft. You told yourself you’d work as hard as possible and enjoy the fruits of that labour, but instead you’ve finished your 12 hour shift and went home! You could have done more”

To this…

“You’ve worked hard, but not hard enough. To get to that next step in your career, you’ll need to do more and sacrifice other things to get there. It has to be done. No 2 ways about it”

To this…

“That’s it. You’re officially “A Career Man”. Completely defined by his work and his work only. No time for friends, family, a potential wife and kids. None of that. Gone”

To this…

“If that is the case, then I’ll be 40 before I know it, which is like half way through life, and what will you have to show for it? Nothing. And all the good years are behind you. What’s the point in living then?”

It happened. I actually thought about suicide. It was there for a flicker of a moment, on a couple of occasions, but it was there nonetheless and that really worried me. I’d quickly revert back to the other side of me which would give myself a mental slap and remind myself that those sort of thoughts are nonsense. But I can’t shake the fact that I thought about it. I can’t forget it happened. I think on all the people who suffer from depression and other mental health problems and feel like I got a glimpse, albeit a tiny little dot, of what they might feel on a good day. I can’t imagine feeling like that for weeks, months or years. Even making this comparison makes me feel guilty as I don’t mean to belittle what they go through at all or in fear that this comes across like I’m exaggerating.

This feeling went away after the 3rd day. What cured it? I think it was doing work. I came into the office at 4.30am and got stuff done and it seemed to calm me down. I slowly but surely got back to normal, back into a routine and feeling the way I did just 1 week previously but this time with 1 big difference. There was a chink in my armour, a crack in my shell, a weak link. As I write this, I feel vulnerable and fragile. A different man to who I was a month ago. What if this happens again and I can’t control it? Also, if I feel this way through working too much, then why is the remedy doing more work?! I don’t know the answer.

On paper my life hasn’t changed in the last month. Things were great then and they still are. I enjoy life. I own a flat which I’m renting out, so I’m on the property ladder. I earn a decent wage which pays for a nice rented apartment, a BMW and I can go on a couple of holidays a year. So if things were so rosy before, then why did I consider throwing it all away? The only answer I can think of is burnout and so to avoid that happening again, I now have a renewed conscious effort to maintain a healthy work/life balance. I hope I recognise the signs the next time, if there is a next time, and that’s why I wanted to put in black in white how I felt whilst it was fresh and also in the hope that articulating it will allow me to close that chapter.

You guys were really helpful at the time and I thank you for that. It’s not easy to talk about it, especially as a man and especially in ‘real life’. So thank you for the non-judgement support, not only then, but since the day I started this diary.

SpekySquarehead

Morning all,

I hope you all enjoyed your weekend and enjoyed some of the more positive weather.

It was nice and sunny here for most of the time which meant the windows were open to get a breeze through but I noticed quite a lot of flies coming in for some reason. Is that just me? Anyway, my weekend was deliberately quiet and to myself. Gym, yoga, supermarket, driving range, cooking, baking, meal prep, watched sport, played the xbox with my mates, tidied the house, renewed my car insurance (saving a few £ p/m), threw out some old clothes, organised my wardrobe and some other things off my to-do list. Just what the doctor ordered.

Typical Monday for me today. Work 7.45-6.30, go to the gym for an hour then yoga for 90 mins. Pretty much home to bed from there.

Friday was a NSD taking me to 11 for the month.

SpekySquarehead

Good morning everyone,

It's been a sticky, warm and wet 24 hours, which is rather uncomfortable.

Usual Monday from me yesterday which ended with a really difficult yoga class. Well at least it was difficult for me. I was dripping sweat and seemed to be the only person who was. Anyway, I really enjoyed it.

I set my alarm this morning for the wrong time so I missed my window to go to the gym (honestly, I didn't mean it). I'll go after work. Pizza tonight, which should be my last unhealthy meal as I have the physio first thing tomorrow. I'm hoping she tells me that I am fit to do some cardio again, which signals the end of my 'bulking'.

My old boss has moved to a new position, still in Scotland, and has asked if I would like to join him. The package hasn't been defined yet but I expect it could be much higher than my current salary. I'm going to try and speak with him to see if he can gave me any indication. I've created a spreadsheet to compare my current job with this job, the guaranteed earnings vs the potential earnings (commission) and the pro's vs the con's. Once completed, I felt that my current role was the victor. I sent it to my step-dad and he called me straight away and said the answer is obvious, you need to take the job! Crazy how we seen it so differently. Will update in due course.

Yesterday was NSD #12

SpekySquarehead

Good morning,

My physio appointment yesterday was a mixed bag. In short, I've to go back in 4 weeks, still need to give my knee rest and do some stretches every day. Work was super busy and flew in. We had an interview which lasted 2 hours, but it didn't seem it as it was really quite relaxed. I hope the candidate felt the same. Nipped to the gym for a bit then home for a call with my mum and dinner.

You may remember I downloaded an alarm app which requires you to complete some difficult maths problems to turn the alarm off. I've now changed it so that I need to scan the barcode of a product in the opposite end of the flat. Worked a treat this morning and was in the gym for 6am. So my evening is a bit more free, although I'll stay a bit later in work (another interview) then a phone call with my gran.

Yesterday was NSD #13