Moving in with partner and combining money

Person_one

If you're moving in with your children, its different to just a couple moving in together where they can pretty easily split up without too many complications if it doesn't work out. With children involved, I presume you're already at the stage where you are both expecting and planning for this to be a permanent relationship.

So...you're going to be a family, not just two people, one of whom happens to have children! Is it really fair for him to think its only your responsibility to care for and pay for them? Will you have vastly different disposable incomes and therefore be able to afford very different lifestyles and savings levels? Have you discussed what you would both do in the event that either of you lost your jobs or couldn't work for any reason?

justme111

Monkeychops16 wrote: »

I haven't answered how much disposable income I have now as It's not relevant to moving-it will have £250 disposable income when I move in 2 weeks.

My partner knows that my benefit's will stop. He knows all my income and outgoings and that's why I'm trying to draw up a plan.

Thanks all

Right. I would say there are two options - partners either share a hit 50/50 or if incomes are too different so that sharing it 50/50 would put one on the breadline they share it proportionately to income. So if your loss is let's say £800 in tax credits plus £200 in paying him while for him it is 0 sum game then he pays you half of your total loss , £500 while you pay him £200 resulting in him paying you £300 a month for the privilege of having you living with him.
Of course it will change when the house rented /sold. Of course it depends whether you want to move with him and go off tax credits.
So you were going to move while you disagree with your partner math but have not discussed it further.

missbiggles1

Monkeychops16 wrote: »

I'm after some advice please-

I'm moving in with my boyfriend in the next few weeks.

He typically earns more than me but is self employed so it's not guaranteed.

I work part time and have two children from a previous relationship.

He has suggested that I should pay £200 to him as rent and then I pay for things for the children and I out of the money I have-such as clothes, clubs and childcare.

I'm a bit worried as to how we are going to manage money. We have talked about a joint account and we each pay some in to cover joint things.

He is dubious and I am worried as the children's dad was very bad with money and I had payday loan people calling me for his debts. I am scared to give up my control. My current partner is very responsible with money so I'm not worried about him making bad choices.
I want to try and make it fair-but this seems hard to do as I will only have a small amount of disposable income left a month-about £250.

Has anyone had a similar experience and can offer any advice please?

What would this rent cover? If it includes utilities and food then that's a very fair offer - if it's just rent then quite the opposite, in fact why would you even be paying rent at all?

When you say disposable income, is that after rent/utilities/insurance and food, so basically spending money for you and the children? Does it include the £40 from your ex and the CB or is that on top?

Have you a fall back plan or savings for paying your mortgage if you have a void or non paying tenant?

Apologies for all the questions but I think they're all relevant.

BigAunty

If you are not comfortable discussing exact income/expenses here, then download the MSE budget planner to help with your discussion with your partner about what you can afford versus his expectations.

You can produce a 'now' scenario and 'moving in' scenario to identify the loss of income you could experience and the possible increase in expenses.

It's food for thought that you have ended up being exposed to the risk of renting out your property (repairs, capital gains tax, possible rent arrears and void period) and a loss of income when moving in with someone.

What chimes for me, as it has for others, is your partner's black and white separation of child related expenses that fall squarely on you. This is perhaps because we see posts from women in either financially abusive (i.e. they are left in penury and their finances controlled) or financially unequal relationships and the issues it causes them.

For example, one lady had to use all her child tax credits to pay the rent on their property and had no disposable income. Another lady had to survive on child benefit which had to be spent on all child related expenses, the partner would not contribute.

So I'm not saying you are in that ball park but his seeing quite basic standard child related expenses as solely your responsibility despite your lower income is a shame.

For the payday loan issue, go to the Debt Free Wanabee board forum for advice.

FBaby

So...you're going to be a family, not just two people, one of whom happens to have children! Is it really fair for him to think its only your responsibility to care for and pay for them?

At the same time, OP works part-time and that could be her choice rather than his. Everyone has different vision of what they consider fair. My OH disposable income dropped significantly when we moved in together and that is something that he accepted when he made the decision to become a family with me and my kids, however, he wouldn’t have been happy to have an even bigger drop if I had insisted I wanted to work part-time only. What is ‘fair’ depends on so many personal factors, it is difficult for strangers to advise.

missbiggles1

BigAunty wrote: »

If you are not comfortable discussing exact income/expenses here, then download the MSE budget planner to help with your discussion with your partner about what you can afford versus his expectations.

You can produce a 'now' scenario and 'moving in' scenario to identify the loss of income you could experience and the possible increase in expenses.

It's food for thought that you have ended up being exposed to the risk of renting out your property (repairs, capital gains tax, possible rent arrears and void period) and a loss of income when moving in with someone.

What chimes for me, as it has for others, is your partner's black and white separation of child related expenses that fall squarely on you. This is perhaps because we see posts from women in either financially abusive (i.e. they are left in penury and their finances controlled) or financially unequal relationships and the issues it causes them.

For example, one lady had to use all her child tax credits to pay the rent on their property and had no disposable income. Another lady had to survive on child benefit which had to be spent on all child related expenses, the partner would not contribute.

So I'm not saying you are in that ball park but his seeing quite basic standard child related expenses as solely your responsibility despite your lower income is a shame.

For the payday loan issue, go to the Debt Free Wanabee board forum for advice.

Perhaps he, quite rightly, sees them not as the OP's sole responsibility but as a joint responsibility of hers and the children's father? Unless the ex is unemployed, a priority would seem to be making sure he fulfills his responsibilities towards his children.

onomatopoeia99

Person_one wrote: »

Is it really fair for him to think its only your responsibility to care for and pay for them?

No, it isn't. It's her responsibility and that of the father of the children to care and pay for them.

Person_one

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

No, it isn't. It's her responsibility and that of the father of the children to care and pay for them.

Do you not think that if somebody makes a commitment to a person with children and moves in with them as a household that they then have some responsibility and duty of care to those children? At least for as long as they are living with them?

Guest101

1: It depends on what the rent includes. (it's risky on his part as you could be gaining an interest in his property)
2: You are able to have your mortgage paid by someone else by moving in with him, that's a big bonus.
3: He quite rightly expects there to be a big increase in terms of utilities etc. As 4 mouths instead of 1 now, so it seems reasonable that you (and your ex) would contribute something towards it.
4: Presumebly he spends money on your children day to day, which really offsets a lot of the cost?
5: You say you have £250 disposable income (after what though?) - if that's you paid up for everything and is literally just for treats etc, I'd say that's pretty good.

onomatopoeia99

I believe children are the responsibility of both birth / adoptive parents just as much after the end of a relationship as during it, no matter who they are living with, and that does not change if one or both finds new partners.

So no, I don't think they should become the responsibility of the mum's new boyfriend in this case, any more than if the dad found a new girlfriend she should have any responsibility to them. If he chooses to provide support, as I did when I was a step-parent (paying much more of household finances and holidays, doing out of school activities etc etc, all the stuff that goes with having small children), then all well and good, but there should be no expectation of such from the state or society as a whole, they still have two parents to do those things.