1.am I reasonable 2.childcare costs

Daddys.girl

Hi.
1. I have recently split from my gf by mutual agreement.fairly amicable atm
The basics /facts
1,lived together for approx 6years in my house, she did not pay for anything, apart from the food bill
2.we have a 4yr old daughter
3.when we split, I gave her 10k (33% of my savings)
For a deposit to buy a house
4. She moves into her new house, I help fix things,spent 3months going round after my work to sit for dd til 11pm until ex comes home from her shift work.
5.i pay £250 pm maintenance pm,but according to the online csa calculator it should be £221
6. I have dd 104 days a year
7. The ex earns double what I earn.
So would you say I'm a reasonable man, your opions
Are welcome

So next Q
Dd starts school this Sept, the ex phones to say what am I going to do to look after dd for my six weeks share of the school hols,I said I will try to take 2 weeks off work to have her, but as far as I'm aware that's what I pay maintenance for,so the ex should take care of childcare using my maintenance money.shes having none of it and told me to face up to my responsibilities, if you guys think that I should put my hand in my pocket to cover the costs of my 4 weeks, I would have no problem doing that.after speaking to guys in simular circumstances, they said they pay set amount of maintenance and the rest is down to the mother.
My take is,my ex is financialy stable and I see myself as a good dad and do my fair share for my dd and ex,but starting to think she's starting push her luck.

What's your thoughts pls

Ps sorry for bullet points, but only have access to a phone atm, so it's bit short n sweet :-)

peachyprice

My thoughts? When you are a parent ALL your 5 weeks annual leave go towards school holidays, regardless of whether you are together or separated.

Do you think it's reasonable for you ex to have to use all her annual leave during the school holidays while you only use 2 weeks of yours? Do you think it would reasonable for your ex to use 2 weeks of her annual leave to look after your daughter, stick her in childcare for the other 11 weeks and take the remaining 3 weeks of her annual leave to take a holiday by herself?

Daddys.girl

Thanks for reply

She said she will take 2 weeks of leave to have her, the rest of her share, she will pay for childcare. I thought my child maintenance would pay my share.
It works out I pay 3k a year in maintenance,which is fair enough.how much do you think it costs for a year for child with both parents working and dd going to school/ school hols.
I will try to take as much hols as poss to look after her, but is very differcult as my employer only let's limited amount of staff off at same time, last year I was not aloud to take time off during the summer term, where as my ex can pretty much pick and choose to take time off as she's self employed, but would rather chase the coin as she's. Very well paid job and would cost her to much loss in wages, but surely being a mum takes president to a certain degree

suki1964

erm maintenance doesn't cover all parents responsibilities

DH paid his CSA and more on top. He also had his children during the holidays, paid their flights, contributed towards their holidays with the OH, paid school trips etc etc etc

And being dad takes presidents to a certain degree as well. You know when summer holidays are - book them early

justme111

She is a resident parent so it is up to her to arrange childcare on the days she would have had the child, holidays or not. Your responsibility are those 2 days a week when you have your daughter, holidays or not. Why due to holidays you suddenly become responsible for the days you normally would not been? Let's say she is with you wednesdays and sundays , if you work during those holiday weeks you pay for wednesdays. Not sure what you are objecting to - is it paying for just days that she would been with you or is it that your ex wants to share costs 50/50 ? If former than I would say you are wrong , if latter I would say she is wrong.
Peachyprice , working parents "stick" their children into childcare , why putting negative slant on it.
Good luck in sorting it
Ps. In discussions I would stick to pointing out what days is who's responsibility, not judge her reasons for taking or not holidays and what your cs should be used for and who paid for what in the past(completely not relevant) as it usually invites counter accusations and opens a can of worms

mgdavid

Yes she's pushing it; if your daughter is living with her then it's her responsibility to sort out work flexibility, childcare etc etc.
If you had been married and then divorcing, no judge would stipulate you pay extra for holiday childcare or anything else for that matter, particularly given your relative earnings.
Maintenance is paid monthly as a set proportion of your earnings according to the CSA formula; whether your ex spends it all each month or saves some to cover more expensive times such as school holidays is entirely her choice.
It sounds like she is using the child's welfare to emotionally blackmail you, if you read the historical threads on here you may conclude it is sadly not unusual.

xHannahx

peachyprice wrote: »

My thoughts? When you are a parent ALL your 5 weeks annual leave go towards school holidays, regardless of whether you are together or separated.

Do you think it's reasonable for you ex to have to use all her annual leave during the school holidays while you only use 2 weeks of yours? Do you think it would reasonable for your ex to use 2 weeks of her annual leave to look after your daughter, stick her in childcare for the other 11 weeks and take the remaining 3 weeks of her annual leave to take a holiday by herself?

He said he'd use 2 weeks in August, that leaves him 3 weeks holiday to cover 3 x half terms, Christmas and Easter. Seems reasonable.

justme111

Why do you think it is right for him to cover holidays 50/50 with an ex ? She is a resident parent.
Op , your actions u listed are all reasonable and nice. Your critical attitude to your ex is not so , You may find she becomes more reasonable when you become less critical

Kynthia

I don't know if it's just the way you write comes across badly but so much of your post rankles me.

You say your ex lived in your house for 6 years and only paid the food bill. Yet your daughter is 4 years old so for at least 4 of those 6 years you were a family unit and made decisions at the time in how to live and split your income and expenses. It wasn't charity you were a family. Why is that even relevant now?

You went to your ex's to sit for your DD. You mean you looked after your own child? There's a lot of people who cant stand those parents that think looking after their own child is babysitting and some kind of favour to the other parent. You want brownie points for looking after your own child, especially during some of the transition time after the split when things are settling into a new way of being?

So you pay £29pm more than the minimum you are required to support your child. Do you pay for other expenses too, if you can afford them? Or do you think housing, feeding, clothing, educating, looking after and raising a child costs £500pm and no more?

"That's what I pay maintenance for" again just sounds like you think £250pm is all you are responsible for now as a parent? You're still a parent to this child and splitting up from her mum shouldn't mean you sit back and stop helping. Around here that would only cover a day a week in nursery and nothing else, no clothes, food, utilities, uniform, toys, days out, classes, not exactly half the costs of raising a child. How much do you think childcare alone costs for your daughter?

Also you'll 'try' to get two weeks leave is hardly reassuring. When you go back with definite dates you'll get a better reception. Nothing worse than uncertainty when you need to plan ahead.

"She's trying to push her luck" just sounds a bit superior to me. Like you think you're fabulous and how dare this person expect more from you, doesn't she know she should be grateful for what she's got. Plus you can't help mentioning about her financial situation, like it bothers you that she earns more now and therefore she should sort everything and stop expecting anything else from you. Does she work around school hours, thereby limiting her earnings, or does she pay for before and after school care as these are concerns you don't have when it comes to your work?

"But surely being a mum takes president" is misogynistic. How dare a woman not sacrifice her job and only spend two weeks holiday with her child, yet I'll only try to spend two weeks with my child and that's fine. Anyway are you sure she didn't mean she'll take 2 weeks of the summer hols as well as other times too as I highly doubt she's only going to use 2 weeks of her whole years annual leave to look after her child?

I'm really sorry if I'm wrong and it's just a combination of your writing style and the way I've interpreted it but you it feels like you want brownie points for doing what you should have done, and want to sit back now and let your ex do all the hard work in raising your child while you tell everyone how reasonable you are.

I think you can either be an equal parent to your daughter, even though you aren't the resident parent, or you can be someone who writes a small cheque each month and 'babysits' for two days a week. An equal parent uses most of their annual leave to look after their child in the school holidays, they pay for additional expenses, they help with homework, go to school parents evening and a share of medical/dental appointments. Tthey get involved in consistent discipline rather than just have fun, and back-up the other parent, they find a babysitter for when they can't look after their child during their days for having them instead of just assuming the other parent will have them and they look after their child any additional days with their child they can possibly get. They take an equal share of the difficulties where possible, such as taking time off work when their child is ill, missing out on events you can't take a child when they are meant to be looking after them, financial costs, appointments at awkward times, etc.

Guest101

peachyprice wrote: »

My thoughts? When you are a parent ALL your 5 weeks annual leave go towards school holidays, regardless of whether you are together or separated.

Do you think it's reasonable for you ex to have to use all her annual leave during the school holidays while you only use 2 weeks of yours? Do you think it would reasonable for your ex to use 2 weeks of her annual leave to look after your daughter, stick her in childcare for the other 11 weeks and take the remaining 3 weeks of her annual leave to take a holiday by herself?

That's assuming that's even possible!

Employers are free to dictate when employees take annual leave, and in many teams there will be multiple parents dividing up the holiday times

duchy

Indeed but the OP hasn't even asked for leave yet. Either they are very disorganised or they may be hoping if they leave it long enough there will be no school holiday dates left.

Some NRPs would love to have two weeks with their child rather than resent it