Deal Breakers in relationships

BarryBlue

Anatidaephobia wrote: »

I think it's safe to say that this is simply something common to all humans. When people believe they are right, they may become arrogant and display their superiority which is not always pleasant to behold. The subject matter is irrelevant; it has nothing to do with religion or atheism! It's just a people thing

People would hardly express an opinion that they didn't believe to be right, so it's not surprising in a way. The difference for me is where it goes beyond that and people become judgemental about others and how they ought to live their lives. That is expressing superiority by knowing what is best for everyone else, and it isn't a trait I would recognise in any atheists I know, we are very much into living our lives as we see fit and letting others do the same.

coolcait

BarryBlue wrote: »

People would hardly express an opinion that they didn't believe to be right, so it's not surprising in a way. The difference for me is where it goes beyond that and people become judgemental about others and how they ought to live their lives. That is expressing superiority by knowing what is best for everyone else, and it isn't a trait I would recognise in any atheists I know, we are very much into living our lives as we see fit and letting others do the same.

I suspect that you are blind to the irony in the bit in bold, and do not believe that any of your posts - ever, anywhere - could fall into the categories you so abhor in others.


Going back to the original topic, a relationship deal breaker for me would not be a difference in belief (of whatever kind).


It would be being with someone who completely lacked self-awareness.

onlyroz

For those who say they wouldn't have a problem being in a relationship with somebody of a different faith, how far does this go? For example what if your partner insisted on raising your child in their faith? Or on sending them to a faith school?

For me, I would be OK being with somebody who identified vaguely as Christian, for example, but it would be a total deal-breaker if they insisted on baptising our children or on sending them to a faith school, or on taking them to church each Sunday.

Jagraf

onlyroz wrote: »

For those who say they wouldn't have a problem being in a relationship with somebody of a different faith, how far does this go? For example what if your partner insisted on raising your child in their faith? Or on sending them to a faith school?

For me, I would be OK being with somebody who identified vaguely as Christian, for example, but it would be a total deal-breaker if they insisted on baptising our children or on sending them to a faith school, or on taking them to church each Sunday.

In our relationship it really isn't an issue - I mean that honestly. Our daughter has a wealth of information to make her own decisions - we have atheists, agnostics, Christians and Hindus in her immediate family. I help run Sunday school and she had been part of that, and the youth club attached to the church (like most kids in our village). My husband helps out sometimes eg youth club parties or discos, shifting scenery about for plays, making tea after a service, dismantling christmas trees etc. Daughter went to a faith school til she was 16, doesnt now for her A levels. She is baptised. She also went to Guides. Sometimes she says the prayers in church if she can get out of bed in time to come and she sings at the nursing home when events are organised there. We all tend to take part in the charity stuff and my husband especially in the sporty charity stuff like bike rides and runs.

She is doing Science and maths A levels and had lots of different interesting theories in her head which get debated often with various family members. I don't see any of her friends from church, guides, school as anything different.

My MIL lost her husband a couple of years ago - shes in her eighties and my athiest husband was keen to get her involved in the church coffee mornings which she loves once a month. My FIL is buried at our church and we all maintain the grave.

I don't have any bad experiences regarding religion and I take out of my faith what I want. It is a support and guide for me and has helped me through some tough times, as have the people representing my faith (along with those of no faith).

I often sit in Church on my own - it's quiet and peaceful, just like sitting on a park bench or in a wood. To me it represents good things. I go there to chill.

onlyroz

Jagraf wrote: »

Daughter went to a faith school til she was 16, doesnt now for her A levels. She is baptised.

And if your husband had said that he didn't want her to be baptised, and didn't want her to go to a faith school, would you have respected that?

Jagraf

onlyroz wrote: »

And if your husband had said that he didn't want her to be baptised, and didn't want her to go to a faith school, would you have respected that?

Yes I would. Just like I wouldn't expect a vegetarian to eat meat. It would be a discussion just like every other decision.

Anatidaephobia

BarryBlue wrote: »

The difference for me is where it goes beyond that and people become judgemental about others and how they ought to live their lives. That is expressing superiority by knowing what is best for everyone else

Again though, people behave like this about a whole variety of different subjects in life; it is not a religion thing but simply a superior people thing.

This is a bit of a ridiculous example but I once had a colleague who stopped smoking on a Thursday and was convinced that giving up smoking only works when you do it on a Thursday because she was unsuccessful on previous attempts on other days. There is no evidence to support her view; it is just her belief. But she becomes quite superior about it at times and has mocked others for being silly enough to stop smoking on the wrong days. This doesn't mean that stopping smoking makes people superior and arrogant nor does it mean that events connected to Thursdays trigger that either. It is just a human tendency which presents itself in some people when they have decided they are right about something and think others should know about it.

BarryBlue

Anatidaephobia wrote: »

Again though, people behave like this about a whole variety of different subjects in life; it is not a religion thing but simply a superior people thing.

This is a bit of a ridiculous example but I once had a colleague who stopped smoking on a Thursday and was convinced that giving up smoking only works when you do it on a Thursday because she was unsuccessful on previous attempts on other days. There is no evidence to support her view; it is just her belief. But she becomes quite superior about it at times and has mocked others for being silly enough to stop smoking on the wrong days. This doesn't mean that stopping smoking makes people superior and arrogant nor does it mean that events connected to Thursdays trigger that either. It is just a human tendency which presents itself in some people when they have decided they are right about something and think others should know about it.

Yes, I sort of see your point. People can have all sorts of irrational beliefs. My take is that all 'belief' is by definition irrational, yet I have no problem with that in itself. Each to their own, unless it interferes with me.

The reason religion would be a major relationship deal breaker is that they do love to tell people how to live their lives, usually waving some sort of false morality card. Not just their own followers, which again is fine, but others too. The point of many religions is to recruit people, which is how it all began in the days when they were formed as a means of control.

I have seen relationships where one partner (always the woman for some reason) has 'got' religion, after which the relationship has fallen apart because of the insistence that the partner joins too. Both of the examples I knew of involved doorstep religions, although I could never be partner to anyone who put an imaginary concept before their family.

Jagraf

BarryBlue wrote: »

Yes, I sort of see your point. People can have all sorts of irrational beliefs. My take is that all 'belief' is by definition irrational, yet I have no problem with that in itself. Each to their own, unless it interferes with me.

The reason religion would be a major relationship deal breaker is that they do love to tell people how to live their lives, usually waving some sort of false morality card. Not just their own followers, which again is fine, but others too. The point of many religions is to recruit people, which is how it all began in the days when they were formed as a means of control.

I have seen relationships where one partner (always the woman for some reason) has 'got' religion, after which the relationship has fallen apart because of the insistence that the partner joins too. Both of the examples I knew of involved doorstep religions, although I could never be partner to anyone who put an imaginary concept before their family.

I don't recognise what you are saying in any of my experiences. I have known one or two religious people who tread the moral high ground but no more than atheists who try to persuade otherwise. I don't see many relationships breaking down because of religion either, its usually affairs, money or falling out of love. I don't know of any friends I have who try to tell me how to live my life either. Most people aren't interested in others beliefs. How do you know all these religious people and their relationships? Are your close friends religious?

missmoose

Female

1. Can't handle their alcohol - They can drink as much as they like, as long as I don't get to see what they had for lunch if you get what I mean. Or if they drink a stupid amount before work/have work the next day, irresponsibility is not attractive.
2. Doesn't want sprogs and dogs- No idea why but I have a soft spot for them
3. Bad with vomit - Links with points 1 & 2 as I have a giant fear so he'll have to deal with it from the age 2+ and any doggy sickness will be his duty, I am happy to have permanent nappy duty in exchange for this.
4. Is a Bully or is friends with bullies - My OH's friends called him a chubby chaser when we first met (I wasn't even categorised as "plus sized" in shops) he dropped these friends pretty soon. If someone is friends with bad people then you can almost guarantee that they are a bad person too.
5. Smokes or does illegal substances - Don't find smelling like a chimney or handcuffs too attractive.
6. Body builders or huge muscles - It's a no from me
7. Not smaller than me - Height and width ways, I'm 5'3 so this isn't much of a challenge I just want to be able to wear his t-shirts a pj's. Exceptions are made here for Peter Dinklage)
8. People that try to convert me to their religion -or insist that previously mentioned sprogs will be raised as a particular faith, they will be educated on all religious and can make their own informed decision once they are ready.
9. Uncleanliness - Shower regularly and keep your living quarters clean and we're okay, messiness is fine but I don't want to find a half-eaten bowl of cereal by your bed/sofa as I once did with an ex.
10. People who are dependent - OH doesn't drive but doesn't expect lifts anywhere, he has a pair of legs and he knows how to use them, where the bus stops and phone numbers for taxis.

I am aware that this is a long list, my OH knew this from the get go and it got me what I wanted.:j


(I am done trying to format this it's not doing what I want it to do, I'm sorry it's hard to read)