Money Moral Dilemma: Is it fair to redistribute my kids' cash equally?

scotsbob

If I give my nephew £100 I expect him to be given £100.


I don't want his parents divvying it up with his siblings who I don't have a lot of time for, quite frankly.


It's not your money anyway.






.

duchy

Hemera wrote: »

If we are talking of small sums given to them for birthdays etc. I wouldn't. If it's something more substantial and there is a significant difference (e.g. a relative has gifted you 500£ upon the birth of your first child and 300£ on the birth of the second, and you are saving these amounts for them), then yes, I think it would only be fair.

Or alternatively theft

If someone gave you a gift as an adult and your parent took it from you to give to another sibling - would that be OK -if it wasn't then why is it OK for minors ?

duchy

theoretica wrote: »

I think it depends on why they have different amounts - if greatuncle David has intentionally given more to his namesake David than to his siblings taking that money away seems wrong, though trying to rebalance by explaining the situation and asking other relatives if they mind giving more to the siblings seems fair.

If I chose to give a cash gift to a particular child and the parent of that child came to me and demanded my permission to take my gift and divvy it up with their other children- I'd be very offended and certainly wouldn't trust the parents with any other cash gifts for any of the children.

Not their money- not their decision - If they don't like my gift they can return it and I'll give it to the child myself when they are 18 and the parents can't touch it.

Mum_of_two

No others might have received more in other ways so don't share it.

theoretica

duchy wrote: »

If I chose to give a cash gift to a particular child and the parent of that child came to me and demanded my permission to take my gift and divvy it up with their other children- I'd be very offended and certainly wouldn't trust the parents with any other cash gifts for any of the children.

Not their money- not their decision - If they don't like my gift they can return it and I'll give it to the child myself when they are 18 and the parents can't touch it.

Thats why I said the parents could talk to other relatives - would you be insulted if the parents said to granny, or whoever 'Duchy has been generous to X but not Y, if you are minded to give money would you think about giving more to Y to help rebalance things'?

duchy

theoretica wrote: »

Thats why I said the parents could talk to other relatives - would you be insulted if the parents said to granny, or whoever 'Duchy has been generous to X but not Y, if you are minded to give money would you think about giving more to Y to help rebalance things'?

That would guarantee Y got nothing. I'd consider it incredibly rude of the parents that they accepted my gift and then complained or !!!!!ed about it behind my back.Any future gifts would be things given to the children - any money would wait til the children were 18 and their money grabbing parents couldn't get their paws on it

Talk about greed and bad manners !!

A gift is a gift -to be accepted graciously or not at all.

Granny if she had any sense would refuse to allow the parents to emotionally blackmail her and tell the parents to take a hike.

Usually if a family member gives a gift to one child but not another there is a good reason - either they mark particular birthdays -or they are choosing not to give to other siblings for good reasons -maybe the child is a brat or the parents have messed with money given to other children as examples.

jackyann

Agreed that it partly depends on WHY, and up to a point, on WHEN.

Unless someone has been ridiculously unfair, this situation usually arises when a generous relative dies without arrangements to balance things up for the younger children.

In general, my advice is wait......assuming that this money is not being accessed whenever the child likes for minor frivolities. By the time it can be used for major purposes, some other money may have been given to younger children, or parents may be in a different position regarding "top-up".

The other situation is when a step-child (or occasionally an adopted child) has "family money". My usual advice is to be open about it. Children usually understand when you are trying to be fair.

Jagraf

No. Even in our forties my brother and I have different family members we are close to. so at Christmas we might get gifts from different relatives. I don't see my mum trying to make it equal!!!

Interestingly my daughters birth father spends less at christmas on her than his other three children, because she has lots of presents from step families. Which I find a bit bizarre.

Cimscate

As others have said if it is age related then no I don't think you should distribute equally as the others will catch up.


Also if some have received more than others but the others sometimes had other gifts (I often give money to nephews but know exactly what to buy for nieces) then that's a no as well. If the gifts have been given as family gifts then it's fine I would say but we really need more info

bye_bye_band_G

I agree that adjustments shouldn't be given for small differences in birthday or Xmas money - from godparents for example. But I can think of 3 situations where this posed a real dilemma when my own kids were growing up.

1. When grandparents died and had given substantial amounts to the older ones but died before the youngest was born.

2. Back in the days when building societies were giving out 'de-mutualisation' money to account holders when banks took them over - oldest kids had accounts, younger ones weren't born.

3. Incredibly unfair I know, but friends and family were more generous when our first born arrived than when the younger ones did, not such a big event when we just kept on shelling peas!

I waited till they were old enough to have sensible opinions and talked it through with all present, and the older ones could see it was unfair and were quite happy to share. So that is my advice - keep the money untouched till they are older then have a family discussion, it's very likely that those with more money will agree to share. But only for large windfalls like the above, not for day to day gifts.