Money Moral Dilemma: Is it fair to redistribute my kids' cash equally?

missbiggles1

Hemera wrote: »

I understand that I'll never agree with you and the majority of other posters here, and I appreciate that different people can have different opinions, however "theft" seems an entirely disproportionate word.
The parents are responsible to provide for the children, yes, and they are also responsible to manage the household budget. Teenagers and older children are often expected to make a contribution to household expenses, and while well-off parent might only charge a token amount, less affluent parents might be reliant on the sum they ask of the child. Is that theft too, since it's the child's money? Also, ad the poster above me has said, if financial difficulties arise for whatever reason, parents are just supposed to let the children starve or wear rags, while there is an available amount of money they (the parents) could use for the child's well-being?

I don't know, maybe my views are due to the fact that I've never received big sums as gift. Whatever odd 100£ I received on birthdays etc. my parents used to fund household expenses, sports activities, holidays etc. (and no, they didn't leave my brother at home) and I'm ok with that.

I'm sorry that you can't see the difference between working adult children paying for their keep and a parent taking a younger child's money to use for their own purposes - I suppose some people just have different standards of honesty due to their own upbringing.

theoretica

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I'm sorry that you can't see the difference between working adult children paying for their keep and a parent taking a younger child's money to use for their own purposes - I suppose some people just have different standards of honesty due to their own upbringing.

I agree with Hemera that there are childhood experiences a parent might reasonably judge more valuable to their kid in the long run than the equivalent money in the bank at 18 and that this could be a responsible and valid call for the parent to make.

In this country it is reasonable to expect the parents to be able to afford to house and feed their kids - but there are other very worthwhile things for children not everyone can afford.

If I were given the magic option to rewrite history and delete any of the clubs, classes and paid for events I went to as a kid in return for the money now (plus interest) I would not make the change. Well, except maybe a few weeks at a rather odd French language group for young kids.

rinabean

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I'm sorry that you can't see the difference between working adult children paying for their keep and a parent taking a younger child's money to use for their own purposes - I suppose some people just have different standards of honesty due to their own upbringing.

Honesty? Some people have better manners than others, like most people don't blatantly favour some of their young relatives over others but some do, and most people don't accuse posters and their parents of being thieves for treating their children fairly either

duchy

rinabean wrote: »

Honesty? Some people have better manners than others, like most people don't blatantly favour some of their young relatives over others but some do, and most people don't accuse posters and their parents of being thieves for treating their children fairly either

Parents should treat children fairly -other relatives athough it is nice if they do have no such obligation.

The parents have the right to decline gifts on behalf of their minor children but they don't have the moral right to take something given to one child by someone else and give it to another sibling because they feel they are more deserving.

However you dress it up taking money from a child with the intention to permanently deprive them of it is as much stealing as if you do it to an adult.

There's also the point that if you teach your children that it is OK to steal from others if you have less than they do -can you really complain when they end up in court for following your example in later life ?

missbiggles1

rinabean wrote: »

Honesty? Some people have better manners than others, like most people don't blatantly favour some of their young relatives over others but some do, and most people don't accuse posters and their parents of being thieves for treating their children fairly either

I have aunts I'm fond of and to whom I give nice presents and flowers, others I don't like get just a card. I don't see why that would be different the other way round. You're also ignoring my point about financial gifts from godparents and similar. If I had a godchild I wouldn't give presents (money or otherwise) to that child's siblings, they have their own godparents .

Regarding the concept of honesty, I'm sorry, but to take someone's money and give it to someone else is theft, however well meaning the intentions and however you dress it up as fairness. It isn't the role of a parent to play Robin Hood and take from the rich and give to the poor.

BNT

MSE_Nick wrote: »

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

My children have been receiving cash gifts from relatives since they were born, but unfortunately the amounts differ significantly. I'd like them to have similar amounts but I can't afford to top them all up to the highest level. Would it be fair to redistribute it equally among them?

What an outrageous idea! OK, so you want them to have similar amounts; that's fair enough. But it is not you that is giving the gifts, so you don't get to decide. The people giving them either don't want them to have similar amounts, or don't know about the discrepancies. So, just ask your relatives, or explain your concern (It seems that pretty much every MMD comes down to people not talking to other people, for whatever reason). As a parent, you certainly have the right to talk to people about what gifts they give them, but you don't have the right to take something that has been intentionally given to one child and give it to another any more than I have a right to go next door and take my neighbours' kids' presents because they're getting more than my children got.

missbiggles1

theoretica wrote: »

I agree with Hemera that there are childhood experiences a parent might reasonably judge more valuable to their kid in the long run than the equivalent money in the bank at 18 and that this could be a responsible and valid call for the parent to make.

In this country it is reasonable to expect the parents to be able to afford to house and feed their kids - but there are other very worthwhile things for children not everyone can afford.

If I were given the magic option to rewrite history and delete any of the clubs, classes and paid for events I went to as a kid in return for the money now (plus interest) I would not make the change. Well, except maybe a few weeks at a rather odd French language group for young kids.

Although I don't totally agree with this, I think it's a more valid viewpoint on the subject.

I can certainly imagine saying to a child "We can't afford that school trip to France, how would you feel about using the money Aunty Mary gave you for it?". What I felt was very wrong was the poster who felt it was acceptable to "use cash gifts towards household expenses", to put food on the table and pay the mortgage.

If anybody were so misguided as to do that (perhaps because of a sudden emergency), I'd expect them to return the child's money to them as the soonest opportunity, just as they'd pay back a loan to a friend who'd helped them out in a similar emergency.

Hemera

That's fine. I tried to be diplomatic, and I didn't lie when I said that I appreciate that there are different points of view. I usually have pretty strong opinions and I admit it's not always easy for me to see where other people are coming from, but this is not the case. I believe some fair points have been made in this thread by the people who disagree with me.

However, I'm appalled by the accusations of being "a thief" and "dishonest" - the good thing is that I'm only potentially one, since I don't have any children yet. But my parents have no excuses I suppose, so I'll go on and call the police on them, because I'm pretty sure once or twice they brought me on holiday using gifted money. Theoretica got exactly the point that I was trying to make: do I have a case against my parents for the money they have used on me on things I didn't explicitly agree on as a child? Because you know, I could have that money given to me now that I'm old enough to decide for myself; or inherit it later on if my parents hadn't spent it.

rachy182

Why would you give a relative of under 16 a gift of a different value to a sibling? In my family godparents are mostly family but have never got special treatment and if family friends have been chosen then they are close enough that they still give to all equally.
I dont have any kids but if a gran had given one of my kids loads of money while leaaving another out then there would be hell. Favouring one child so blatently over the other is just going to cause trouble. Its different when they get older and you might gift based on how much effort they put into the relationship.

Doreeny

Our Grandchildren had money from their Great Grandmother (my Mum who has now died) put aside for their university/education. Our younger son does not have any children yet but I have put aside the same amount if he does in order to keep things fair.

I have not put aside the birthday and Christmas £50's or equivalent of present etc. and we would not think about asking them to share the money they have. When we leave inheritance for the first two grandchildren we will again put aside the same amount in case of further grandchildren to keep things fair.

If there are no further grandchildren then I can trust our children to share the money out at an appropriate time.