Money Moral Dilemma: Is it fair to redistribute my kids' cash equally?

Jagraf

duchy wrote: »

But if your daughter's sister wanted to go on a school trip but because you had chosen less generous Godparents for her didn't have the same savings.....would you expect daughter 1 (with the savings) to give up her nest egg for her sister's school trip ?

No I wouldn't do that.

But what I probably would do is something less obvious, like both would have less off me for christmas so that I could afford to send the one with less personal savings.

I don't agree at all with trying to make things equal, all kids are different.

I was more thinking that families sometimes need to be flexible to be able to use money effectively.

silvercar

duchy wrote: »

But if your daughter's sister wanted to go on a school trip but because you had chosen less generous Godparents for her didn't have the same savings.....would you expect daughter 1 (with the savings) to give up her nest egg for her sister's school trip ?

The theory is you choose god parents who will be best at bringing up your child if you (and other parent) were no longer around, rather than who has the biggest bank balance.

Jagraf

silvercar wrote: »

The theory is you choose god parents who will be best at bringing up your child if you (and other parent) were no longer around, rather than who has the biggest bank balance.

I have six godchildren. I only give money to one of them because she is my neice (so nothing to do with being a godparent). Apparently they all come to live with us if anything happens ......

gloriouslyhappy

I have a young relative who is a single mum struggling with two small children after leaving an abusive relationship. She's very proud and won't accept assistance except on the children's behalf, so I use christmas and birthdays as an excuse to give small cash gifts. But I state in so many words, as the children have plenty of toys, that the money is to be used for anything they need including rent, electricity and water etc utility bills, as this is all part of providing for them. They need a less-stressed mum more than they need another toy, and I would be horrified if the cash gift were spent just on the child whose birthday it was. Maybe later when circumstances change, the cash might be spent only on the one child, but right now, they need more practical help than a small sum in a bank account.

Jagraf

gloriouslyhappy wrote: »

I have a young relative who is a single mum struggling with two small children after leaving an abusive relationship. She's very proud and won't accept assistance except on the children's behalf, so I use christmas and birthdays as an excuse to give small cash gifts. But I state in so many words, as the children have plenty of toys, that the money is to be used for anything they need including rent, electricity and water etc utility bills, as this is all part of providing for them. They need a less-stressed mum more than they need another toy, and I would be horrified if the cash gift were spent just on the child whose birthday it was. Maybe later when circumstances change, the cash might be spent only on the one child, but right now, they need more practical help than a small sum in a bank account.

This is what I am trying to say but you say it so much more eloquently. They greatest monatory gift I could give to a child is to let the parent decide what the greatest need is for that money. My mil always does that. She gives me my daughters pocket money and tells me to decide what to do with it. I have in the past, when really struggling, used it to pay bills. I don't need to now but she still does it. She's a very switched on 82 year old .

elvina

No - its quite simple to me, each child gets what they were given. I have three children and have saved money given to them on birthdays etc and they each get to spend some of the money each year but when they are 18 they will each get exactly what they each have in their own accounts and not a share of the other childrens money. The only possible time that I think sharing might be considered would be for twins, triplets etc but even then I would be doubtful.

gloriouslyhappy

[QUOTE=_But_I_state_in_so_many_words,_as_the_children_have_plenty_of_toys,_that_the_money_is_to_be_used_for_anything_they_need_including_rent,_electricity_and_water_etc_utility_bills,_as_this_is_all_part_of_providing_for_them._They_need_a_less-stressed_mum_more_than_they_need_another_toy,_and_I_would_be_horrified_if_the_cash_gift_were_spent_just_on_the_child_whose_birthday_it_was._Maybe_later_when_circumstances_change,_the_cash_might_be_spent_only_on_the_one_child,_but_right_now,_they_need_more_practical_help_than_a_small_sum_in_a_bank_account.[/QUOTE]
Originally posted by gloriouslyhappy

Jagraf wrote: »

This is what I am trying to say but you say it so much more eloquently. They greatest monatory gift I could give to a child is to let the parent decide what the greatest need is for that money. My mil always does that. She gives me my daughters pocket money and tells me to decide what to do with it. I have in the past, when really struggling, used it to pay bills. I don't need to now but she still does it. She's a very switched on 82 year old .

Jagraf - your MIL is very switched on indeed! Sometimes only the parent can decide what's best for the child, and if bills need paying, then using the child's money to pay those bills means giving that child a warm, safe home with plenty of good food to eat, and that has to be a good thing. I'm not talking about frivolous personal spending (frothy coffee and lipstick) but bills which are incurred maintaining the home.

In my relative's case, about the only thing the abusive ex ever provides for the children is extravagant presents of large and expensive toys, but never pays the maintenance on time, because, according to him, she 'spends it on rent'! Does he really, like one or two posters here, think children only need money spent on toys or trips rather than day to day surviving?

pigpen

Jagraf wrote: »

This is what I am trying to say but you say it so much more eloquently. They greatest monatory gift I could give to a child is to let the parent decide what the greatest need is for that money. My mil always does that. She gives me my daughters pocket money and tells me to decide what to do with it. I have in the past, when really struggling, used it to pay bills. I don't need to now but she still does it. She's a very switched on 82 year old .

Does she actually want to give YOU the money but you would refuse to take it so she says it is for the children and you are to spend it as you see fit? .. this is what my nanna used to do because I wouldnt accept money for me.. but would for the children.

CafeGirl90

Reading this I am very grateful I have only the one child - because I would have immediately have split the money between siblings without even considering it to be "theft', "dishonesty" or a result of my apparently "poor moral upbringing".

Perhaps because I grew up as an only child in a very open environment, money-wise, I see money as a family rather than an individual concept - sharing all income (irrespective of source) equally.

When I give cash gifts I accept that the recipient (or parent, if the recipient is too young to make that decision) can do whatever they like with it - just as they can with any other gift I give.

But, as life is not fair, I also believe in accepting the consequences of decisions and not trying to "even the score" after the event. My husband and his brother received an inheritance, which they both used in very different ways. One worked out financially and the other didn't. That is life.

theoretica

missbiggles1 wrote: »

In many families, relatives (especially grandparents) give money to the parents for their children's education - that's totally different from giving money to the children themselves. It isn't even that the money's kept until the child is grown up but that it's the child's own money that they might choose to spend on what they want, when they want it.

Doing it all that way seems a lost opportunity to help the child value their own education.

In your model what happens when money is given to a baby - it can't be spent until the kid is old enough to understand what money is? Is clutching a toy in a shop enough? Or the parent knowing what makes baby happy?

I consider letting some children spend medium to large sums of money on what they want, when they want, would be poor parenting. Depends on what they want. Plenty of kids would blow it all on tooth rotting or short lived toys and gadgets. The model I see as normal certainly until teenage is either kid or parent can say no to the spending - unless both say yes it doesn't happen.