Money Moral Dilemma: Is it fair to redistribute my kids' cash equally?

HurdyGurdy

theoretica wrote: »

Thats why I said the parents could talk to other relatives - would you be insulted if the parents said to granny, or whoever 'Duchy has been generous to X but not Y, if you are minded to give money would you think about giving more to Y to help rebalance things'?

I definitely would be insulted. What gives anyone the right to tell me how to distribute my money?

Spendless

I 'sort of' have/had this as one of my children qualified for the CTF and the other didn't. What we did is start saving for for the child that didn't and only started saving for the child that did when the final balances were going to be pretty much equal.

The eldest who will be 16 next week, has recently become aware of this money and we are allowing a dip in to it for a purchase which is relevant in the field he wishes to study.

The money was always intended for a 'leaving school/sixth form/Uni time' to help with purchases/expenditure that had a high ticket price.

Youngest as a consequence has become aware of money being saved for a similar time of life but is aware she has more restrictions on accessing it due to some of her money coming via the CTF.

My own feelings for this dilemma are that if you want to redress a balance then you should do it out of your own pocket and explain why. My own kids are happy with the scenario we have and don't feel that we have given more to one than the other.

silvercar

Once you start meddling you won't know when to stop.

My kids received a small inheritance from their great grandmother, my sister's kids weren't born at the time so they didn't exist to inherit. Does that mean I should take my kids' money and share it out?

agilpin

No it's not fair. For one thing, some kids will have spent more of the cash given them , or their savings, than others

MERFE

If a relative did it I would be very cross with them. I wouldn't redistribute, you cant, I would try to make up the shortfall and I would have issues with the relative in question.
We have similar though to the poster above with the ctf, the first 2 have qualified for the full amount and the youngest for the £50, so we have added to the youngest but not the older 2. We were also in a position when the oldest 2 were born to do regular savers for them so they have a nice amount in savings they can dip into before the ctf is ready. Theirs is roughly the same, the oldest has about £50 more than the middle child but that is because of the extra birthdays. We haven't been able to do a regular savers for the youngest yet but he has an account for his birthday money and we will top it up when we can, we have more time to top his up anyway.

TBagpuss

No. It is not your money.
If you are concerned about the inequalities then you can factor that in to the choices you make about what you give to the children as and when you can afford it.

Depening entirely on your relationship with family members who give monetary gifts, you could consider discussing it with them - but this is very delicate and I would be very wary of raising the subject unless the person concenred is very close to you and you are very confident that they would be happy with you making sugestions about how they should give gifts to your children.

As the children get older you can also discuss the issue with them, and [iB]f they all agree[/B], could split the money with their infomred agreement once they are all 18 or over.

Geraldej is correct that ou have a legal responsibility as well as a moral one - for each child, you hold the money *for that child*, and you have a duty to *that* child. Taking it, even to achieve what you percieve as greater fairness for the other children, is theft.

You may not be able to equalise the savings for each of them bu you can of course chose to add more to savings for those who have received less from others, to reduce the inequality

tain

Nah. I'd want the kind who is losing out to know who the stingy relative is!

burnoutbabe

I suppose if granny always gave child x £50 and child y £20, as she likes 1 better, you'd discuss it at the time and say either the same or nothing (assuming both full siblings and similar ages) as that would be quite unfair.

But else, if given money at different times, over many years then no.

tgroom57

No, it wouldn't be fair to take money off one person and give it to another. Even if they are your children. I've seen mums more than compensate in this situation by making the richer child pay for their own treats/ bowling/ outings, while mum pays for the poorer siblings. How is that even fair?

If you leave things as they are, there can still be good outcomes. The more fortunate child may decide (and have means) to buy an expensive something that would not be possible if you split the money.

Life isn't fair - thank goodness.

duchy

I inherited several thousand pounds from an aunt- my younger brother inherited tens of thousands from her mainly because he was closer to her and partly because she believed a man should have control of the money. (other bequests reflected her differing attitude between the sexes)

Could I have used a bigger inheritance- Too right I could as I was pregnant -did I resent my brother's better fortune - no. I was grateful for what she left me.

Had my parents suggested to my brother he equalized the situation I'd have told them to butt out !