Nice People Thread No. 15, a Cyber Summer

Generali

SingleSue wrote: »

He was asked to leave as he slept with my best friend...well not just that, it was more because of the way he spoke to me when I found out about the above.

I know it is hard for others to understand but my confidence had been completely destroyed, I thought I was the problem, that I wasn't good enough...domestic abuse does that to you otherwise he would have been kicked into touch (not literally, I abhor violence), years before. Unfortunately, he was able to start eroding that confidence when I got PND after James was born, the old me would never have allowed it to happen.

But you live and learn, that is now the past and it has been onwards and upwards since the day he left, not just for me but for the boys too. Think we may see a problem next year though when James graduates as he doesn't want his father anywhere near the ceremony and I also know that I will get it in the neck as he will be most displeased.

I don't think I phrased myself very well. To be clear the man sounds like an utter bell end and you're best off shot of him IMHO. If my daughter marries such a man then I hope I have instilled in her the confidence to ditch him in a second.

I understand your position and I hope that you don't think that by making a pun about it I think lightly of it. In my role where I have been trying to understand why companies don't put more women on the board despite a very clear correlation between sexual diversity and company performance lots of other issues faced by women have become alarmingly clear to me and I am doing my best to help my daughter insulate her from them.

Primarily I am getting her to learn to be able to beat the bejesus out anyone that lays a finger on her but I am also trying to give her a confidence that I think is taken away from many women.

PasturesNew

Generali wrote: »

... beat the bejesus ....

Kick boxing can be appealing to young women looking for something active.

It keeps them slim/trim, it's "trendy sounding", it builds confidence and essential strengths for situations, it can be "practised" in the garden as no real special equipment/location's required - and, for those "disco divas" I'm sure it'd make them more supple and able movers on the dancefloor.

So, for a lot of "end results/benefits" it can be full of win.

GDB2222

Generali wrote: »

In my role where I have been trying to understand why companies don't put more women on the board despite a very clear correlation between sexual diversity and company performance

As we know, correlation does not imply causation. Is it possible that companies that are more open to new ideas also perform better, or companies that treat there staff better get more out of them, and such companies tend to have more women on the board? If so, getting some dinosaur company to put a woman on the board will have no significant effect.

Oh, and Sue, I'm really angry about how you were treated. Well done for moving on.

Generali

GDB2222 wrote: »

As we know, correlation does not imply causation. Is it possible that companies that are more open to new ideas also perform better, or companies that treat there staff better get more out of them, and such companies tend to have more women on the board? If so, getting some dinosaur company to put a woman on the board will have no significant effect.

Oh, and Sue, I'm really angry about how you were treated. Well done for moving on.

I have a belief that there is a causal link and I think that I understand what the cause is. I'll start a thread on it at some point.

Generali

PasturesNew wrote: »

Kick boxing can be appealing to young women looking for something active.

It keeps them slim/trim, it's "trendy sounding", it builds confidence and essential strengths for situations, it can be "practised" in the garden as no real special equipment/location's required - and, for those "disco divas" I'm sure it'd make them more supple and able movers on the dancefloor.

So, for a lot of "end results/benefits" it can be full of win.

The Girl does ju jitsu. I like it as it's a grappling as well as a striking sport.

SingleSue

Generali wrote: »

I don't think I phrased myself very well. To be clear the man sounds like an utter bell end and you're best off shot of him IMHO. If my daughter marries such a man then I hope I have instilled in her the confidence to ditch him in a second.

I understand your position and I hope that you don't think that by making a pun about it I think lightly of it. In my role where I have been trying to understand why companies don't put more women on the board despite a very clear correlation between sexual diversity and company performance lots of other issues faced by women have become alarmingly clear to me and I am doing my best to help my daughter insulate her from them.

Primarily I am getting her to learn to be able to beat the bejesus out anyone that lays a finger on her but I am also trying to give her a confidence that I think is taken away from many women.

Don't quote, may possibly delete as the info is a little more than I usually give which scares the hell out of me!

If you had seen the woman I was before, you would have thought there was absolutely no chance that a bloke could do what ex hubby did to me. I was a real feisty one, full of confidence, had my own mind and knew how to handle myself (dad taught me to box, so I could pack a mean punch if needed). I was a corporate management gal in charge of very many strong characters and of course, I had worked in a fairground in my teens, so not exactly a delicate flower.

It's weird how things were eroded, almost like one day I was in control and then it was many years later and I woke up and realised just how bad things had become. There was no shocking incident to start off with (he never hit me, shoved maybe but never anything more, he threw things around more and shouted), just a slow drip drip of confidence eroding comments when my mental state was less than normal and vulnerable due to the PND and ever more controlling behaviour.

One of our best moments as a family was the first night after he moved out, it was almost like we had collectively been holding our breath as we all let out this huge sigh of relief and relaxed for the first time in years. The boys were calmer, I felt less stressed and for the first time in ages, James started letting go of his feelings and opened up. I think it was at that moment that I realised just how bad things had become and that it wasn't just me who had been damaged by it but also the boys.

He gets really annoyed now as he is aware he can no longer control me and he doesn't like that, he hates the fact that he is unable to control the boys either....they have very strong minds of their own.

SingleSue

GDB2222 wrote: »

As we know, correlation does not imply causation. Is it possible that companies that are more open to new ideas also perform better, or companies that treat there staff better get more out of them, and such companies tend to have more women on the board? If so, getting some dinosaur company to put a woman on the board will have no significant effect.

Oh, and Sue, I'm really angry about how you were treated. Well done for moving on.

And boy have we moved on! Two at uni and one going next year....would never have been possible if we had stayed together.

Financially and career wise it wasn't the best thing but the positives for the boys and for me have far outweighed any financial hardship.

zagubov

I am totally envious of your achievements for your family. If we achieve a fraction of what you've managed, we'd be over the moon.

Your instincts about how to support your family are sound, and your priorities are totally correct.

SingleSue

Aww thanks Zagubov, after being told for many years what a crap parent I was and how I was doing everything wrong (and not just by ex hubby!), your words mean a hell of a lot to me.

GDB2222

SingleSue wrote: »

Aww thanks Zagubov, after being told for many years what a crap parent I was and how I was doing everything wrong (and not just by ex hubby!), your words mean a hell of a lot to me.

Aren't we all carp parents? We get lessons in French and Maths at school, even cooking, but never in parenting. I'd be much better at it if I had another go now, as I've had lots of practice. But still carp, just not as carp.

Philip Larkin knew a thing or two about parenting. https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/64716.Philip_Larkin