Am I a terrible person?

euronorris

Mojisola wrote: »

But was that because she'd spent the rent money on luxuries because she knew he would bail her out?

And was it even true, or an embellishment on her part in order to tug at his heart strings?

Person_one

Mojisola wrote: »

But was that because she'd spent the rent money on luxuries because she knew he would bail her out?

I don't know, do you? Risky game though...

Candyapple

Person_one wrote: »

That's it? I assumed you were talking about much larger sums. I'd give my siblings that in a heartbeat if they were in trouble and I had it sitting in the bank.

If I am ever lucky enough to be in a position where I am earning 5 times the salaries of the people I care about, I hope I will be remember to be generous enough to share my good fortune a bit.

I think it’s clear that OP has been very generous and his family are not appreciative of that, they are taking the mick by not repaying him. It’s the resentment that builds that will kill any relationship because who wants to be taken for a mug – especially by your so-called family who are supposed to be the ones who care about you the most? It’s not like they are asking for a money gift, they go to the OP asking for a loan and specifying repayment, but when it comes time to repay, they are either short or rely on the fact of OP’s good nature to write off the debt.

Also, at what point do you start to say no? £3k may not be a lot of money to you, what if it was £30k that had been lent in 3 years’ time because none of them bothered to budget knowing that lil’ bro would bail them out of any hardships? Need money for a house deposit, rent arrears, car has broken down need a new one etc. all feasible excuses where a lot of money could potentially change hands and don’t forget, there are 6 of them so £30k might not seem too far off if the reigns aren’t pulled in now.

It’s also the fact that as OP has already stated the £3k could have been used for a holiday for him and his partner and he is also saving up for a deposit. Just because he has a good job and earns well, doesn’t give his family the automatic right to dictate where and how he spends or saves his money.

If I borrowed money from family / friends I would have to be really desperate and in any event I know that whenever I got paid they would be my first priority to pay back, even if it meant I had to eat beans on toast for the next x-amount of months and/or make other life substitutes as a sacrifice. I never understood those who treat it like a joke, why would you purposefully want to pee off someone who has helped you out? Not to mention you are potentially ruining any friendship/family relationships and all for what – money? This is why I never lend to friends/family, the risk just isn’t worth it. I would rather help them in other ways such as teaching them how to budget or re-organise their finances.

Mojisola

As the family all managed on their earnings before the OP started earning the higher salary, there's no reason why that should change now.

In an emergency, I'm sure he would bail them out but, even then, they should be paying the money back to him.

culpepper

I think OP, you should tell them the truth.
You should not need to be afraid to not give them your hard earned money.
You could say something like...
I haven't begrudged you loans in the past but now i am going to concentrate on building my pension and all available money is going into my future .
Please don't ask me for more hand outs . It is time you learned to handle your own finances.
Then you could recommend a website like this one or similar.
You might have to repeat the same statement more than once but eventually they will get the message.
Then don't tell them how much your purchases cost or how much you are earning or have in the bank, it really isn't information they should be asking or knowing .
Really, if they take it the wrong way and see it as unfriendly, then their friendships are built solely on your bank account and not on you as their sibling at all.

Mr.Robot_4

Candyapple wrote: »

I think it’s clear that OP has been very generous and his family are not appreciative of that, they are taking the mick by not repaying him. It’s the resentment that builds that will kill any relationship because who wants to be taken for a mug – especially by your so-called family who are supposed to be the ones who care about you the most? It’s not like they are asking for a money gift, they go to the OP asking for a loan and specifying repayment, but when it comes time to repay, they are either short or rely on the fact of OP’s good nature to write off the debt.

Also, at what point do you start to say no? £3k may not be a lot of money to you, what if it was £30k that had been lent in 3 years’ time because none of them bothered to budget knowing that lil’ bro would bail them out of any hardships? Need money for a house deposit, rent arrears, car has broken down need a new one etc. all feasible excuses where a lot of money could potentially change hands and don’t forget, there are 6 of them so £30k might not seem too far off if the reigns aren’t pulled in now.

It’s also the fact that as OP has already stated the £3k could have been used for a holiday for him and his partner and he is also saving up for a deposit. Just because he has a good job and earns well, doesn’t give his family the automatic right to dictate where and how he spends or saves his money.

If I borrowed money from family / friends I would have to be really desperate and in any event I know that whenever I got paid they would be my first priority to pay back, even if it meant I had to eat beans on toast for the next x-amount of months and/or make other life substitutes as a sacrifice. I never understood those who treat it like a joke, why would you purposefully want to pee off someone who has helped you out? Not to mention you are potentially ruining any friendship/family relationships and all for what – money? This is why I never lend to friends/family, the risk just isn’t worth it. I would rather help them in other ways such as teaching them how to budget or re-organise their finances.

Great post thank you so much for the understanding.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if one of their cars broke down and needed repairs or their cooker broke it would be me paying for a new one. I don't mind if I know it's for an emergency but that still should not be put on me.

End of the day they should be managing their own income seeing as they actually work... But they spend carelessly and when they get hit with a bill or something they have no money left, so they ring me.

Thanks again to for everyone's advice.

heuchera

Mr.Robot wrote: »

they know I have x amount just sitting in the bank and they say stuff like "You have x amount just sitting there doing nothing and you can't lend me a few hundred till next month" etc.

Do they?? Cheeky sods.

I would never ever assume that someone should lend me money just because they're well off.

Kynthia

From what I can tell it's not so much the amount the OP has lent that is the problem. It's the fact he's feeling used as they barely try to repay and tge fact that between them all he's asked so frequently that he feels every phone call and visit could be a request for money. Plus it seems like they are trying less hard to love within their means as they have him as a backup which isn't good for them or fair to him.

I think an honest chat is in order. Get them together and say how you feel, don't say what they should or shouldn't be doing as it could sound judgemental just stick to your feelings, and how it is affecting your relationships with them and upsetting you. Say how you love them and want to be there for them but it's too frequent and you are feeling used. Then say you'll be no longer lending money unless it is paid back every time and tgat you hope they'll only ask you very infrequently when it's desperate as you fear you'll end up seeing them less often. That your money is earn by you and is needed for your future. I wouldn't offer to help them budget and look at their finances as I think this could be a little patronising from a higher earner and a sibling.

Pollycat

Mr.Robot wrote: »

Great post thank you so much for the understanding.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if one of their cars broke down and needed repairs or their cooker broke it would be me paying for a new one. I don't mind if I know it's for an emergency but that still should not be put on me.

End of the day they should be managing their own income seeing as they actually work... But they spend carelessly and when they get hit with a bill or something they have no money left, so they ring me.

Thanks again to for everyone's advice.

The bit in bold is - at least to me - key.

I would not lend them any more money, you have been acting as a safety net for them so they've not needed to budget like most people have to..

Mr.Robot_4

Pollycat wrote: »

The bit in bold is - at least to me - key.

I would not lend them any more money, you have been acting as a safety net for them so they've not needed to budget like most people have to..

Very true.