Am I a terrible person?

Mr.Robot_4

I really hate to take my problems online but sometimes you just need random peoples opinions.

I come from quite a large family, both my parents have passed away so it's just me, my 3 brothers and my 3 sisters. I'm 30 and kind of the middle child.

Unfortunately my brothers and sisters earn below average wages, I mean they don't have much in the way of career or money and up until this point, we've all been in the same boat pretty much. I got a break about 2 years ago and I'm now earning a very significant wage, almost 5 times that of my brothers and sisters.

Since this time my brothers and sisters always call upon me for financial help, bailing them out of loans they've taken, credit cards, overdrafts and just general money lending. Of course I never ask for it back, they're family... Even if I did ask for it back they would not be able to pay it back because they earn so little.

It's really starting to become bothersome to lend them money and I feel terrible saying no... I can see that they're struggling, even though it's their fault because they don't spend their money conservatively. Up until this point we've been very close as a family because money was never an issue but now it's starting to annoy me. I want them to be independent and stop asking me for money.

We fight and have arguments because they know I have x amount just sitting in the bank and they say stuff like "You have x amount just sitting there doing nothing and you can't lend me a few hundred till next month" etc. Then next month comes around and they might pay back like £30 and say they'll give me the rest in a few days etc, which of course never happens so I just tell them to keep it.

Am I being a douchebag by not lending them money when they're clearly struggling to pay their bills? I mean yes my money is "just sitting there" in the bank but I'm saving up for a deposit, car, holidays etc but they just don't get it.

It's not about the money, it's principle... What do I do guys I really feel like they're being anchors and dragging me down but I love them... they're my family and I hate to see them worse off but I can't keep doing this, it's exhausting. Every time the phone rings it's "hello how are you? Listen, sorry to ask again but can you lend me some money till pay day?"

Am I a terrible person for refusing to help my struggling family?

fed_up_and_stressed

No they need to learn financial responsibility for themselves. They managed before you got your break 2 years ago didn't they. If you didn't have the money to fund their lifestyle then they'd have to suck it up !

They are adults they need to take responsibility for their own actions and stop being parasites.

BigAunty

That's a really weird family dynamic.

There are lots of families with significant disparities in income and it wouldn't cross the family members mind to consider the higher earner must support them.

But what strikes me as equally strange is how they know you have savings in the bank.

Rain_Shadow

Well, I know what I think the OP is.:cool:

London50

I agree with fed up and stressed, you are not a money lending/giving bank and your family needs to learn to live within their means. If you keep helping them out it will only go from bad to worse and in the end it will be you that suffers.
I am a MUCH older person than yourself and during my long marriage we have had both easy and hard times yet we have never asked for help from our families,we stood on our own two feet and muddled through.
The sooner {as hard as it is} you say no the easier it will be for you and your family will learn that you are not there to prop them up when they feel like spending more than they earn.

Mr.Robot_4

BigAunty wrote: »

But what strikes me as equally strange is how they know you have savings in the bank.

Because I was stupid and told them my actual salary when I got the job and then that got turned into a money conversation and basically they know I save x amount per month so they know roughly how much I have.

I didn't think I would have to lie to them about money though because I never thought they would be like this.

fairy_lights

No it's your family members who are the ones being terrible people, not you. Why do they think they are entitled to your money just because you've got savings? It sounds like you've already bailed them out a few times, they've had the opportunity to sort themselves out but haven't because they think they can always turn to the bank of Mr Robot.
I wouldn't give them any more financial help, if they care about you as more than just a wallet then they will respect that. If they don't, well - at least you'll know where you stand with them and it's up to you if you want to maintain a relationship with people like that.

scooby088

OP you are not a terrible person, i know from past experience that from family members they literally take the p i s s, my sister was earning 20k a year more than me and still came asking for a loans every now and then, eventually I told her to do one and the other family members best thing I had done, now i have none of them in my life.

Mr.Robot_4

scooby088 wrote: »

OP you are not a terrible person, i know from past experience that from family members they literally take the p i s s, my sister was earning 20k a year more than me and still came asking for a loans every now and then, eventually I told her to do one and the other family members best thing I had done, now i have none of them in my life.

The thing is I don't want them to think that just because I have money now, I'm moving on with my life and leaving them behind. I want to move on with my life and career but it's got to the point where I don't even want to tell them I'm going on holiday... because they'll see it like I'm rubbing it in.

Before this we told each other everything and there was no awkwardness because we were all pretty broke lol. For example 2 months ago my sister told me she was going to be evicted if she didn't pay the £700 rent that was due... What am I supposed to do? Let her get evicted, then she'll probably expect to move in with me and my girl.

Ugh, I don't want to cut them out of my lives but it's a real struggle. Maybe I can just cut down the amount I visit. Do you regret cutting them out of your life? Do you think it was justifiable for you to be able to live the way you wanted?

paddy's_mum

I think I might invent a gold-digging girlfriend who has cleaned me out of every last penny of savings and let that 'fact' waft around the family so that they know I no longer have any spare money.

benrben

Op, no you are not a terrible person, they are clearly taking advantage of your good nature & using emotional blackmail is just horrible.
I have no issue with lending family money if I have it, but I always say an old saying of my grannies "there's a back to that" when I do, meaning that I expect it to be paid back, it's not a gift, in my case they always have, but if they didn't, I wouldn't lend again.
All the while they have you bailing them out they don't have the motivation to try to earn more/obtain better jobs themselves, you managed to do it, so why can't they?
All I can suggest is stick to your guns, say no but offer to help them find courses/ways to improve their situation & support them if they do but in non-financial ways.
Good luck