Living with a hopeless spender.

TriciaE

matureoxstudent wrote: »

. I think one of our problems is we are both stubborn people with our won minds and have not yet learned how to cope with others stresses effectively....
Have a good day everyone!

Good luck with the job & glad you are back to some sense of harmony.

Your dh sounds much like mine used to be, yes, we are both strong & stubborn people too & learning when/how to act and react when eachother is under stress takes time & patience. Learning eachothers strengths and weaknesses is also important as it allows us to know our roles within a relationship, I think that's where dh struggled as I was so capable of everything it was almost like he had to fit in somewhere but didn't know how to & I'm sure I probably made him feel slightly imasculated, especially when he was being childish and annoying the hell out of me.

I realised that it got to a stage where I really was like his mother, nothing like the romance of our courtship but I just couldn't bring myself to be feminine, vulnerable etc because I was angry and was sure he would let me down. Then my Dad gave me a talking to and said something along the lines of 'my dear daughter, you amaze me, you are a woman and women know exactly how to get their men to do what they want, they flutter their eyelashes, they don't nag'. I was insensed but the main reason was because I knew deep down he was right but I resented having to play a game with a grown man. Then I realised that that game is actually what romance is all about, we don't insist on xyz when we're dating, we use our womenly wiles, so stop playing the game, stop the romance, spoil the relationship. Some might think it not very modern and maybe it's not but for me and dh it works like a dream (mostly, lol) & gave us back not only romance but respect for eachother.

supersavershal

Went to the wedding yesterday evening, had a nice time.Bride looked lovely she had a black and white theme it was really classy.OH was quite good and he took his own bottle of amaretto but it still cost us £50 with taxis and the like.
We sat with a couple we know well and she was bragging about how she had this that and tother, leather boots, roc make up etc then she mentioned she had only just been paid and had no money left to make the first repayment on the secured loan she has, and how she has to pay for her holiday.
I was feeling a little envious of her lifestyle until she mentioned this, I hope she has her lightbulb moment soon.
Today we are both feeling very tired and just a little hungover so we are having a takeaway for tea and an early night.

Lottebear

I would sell some of his unwanted toy on ebay, I have done this with some of my husbands and saved the money.

annamc75

My mother in law gave me some great advice and I am sure that it might be something that you get use out of.

Take something that OH says he cant do without and put it to the back of the cupboard - if he doesnt ask about it or miss it after 6 months then be safe in the knowledge that he doesnt miss it and then get rid (ebay etc).

I do this with my OH re: tatty clothes but I think I will be starting this with other boy toys round the house.

Anna x

supersavershal

Well today is not a good day at all I am £175 short in my bills account.This is due to my wages being so rubbish this month.Ive looked at it every which way and the only thing I can do is use a credit card, I have one with a zero balance and pay it back to the card on Thursday when OH gets paid, he has 12 hours overtime.I am really upset about it but it is a cashflow problem and will be rectified withing 2 weeks, that is why I am going to use a card with a zero balance so I can pay it off straight away.
I keep trying but seem to be getting nowhere, whether that is due to the rising cost of everything, I dont know but im making more than the minimum payments and my balances are not shifting.
And another thing I have had to do is buy a new washing machine, the dryer broke on mine then the drum was snagging the clothes, I cant do without with 2 children and 3 of us in uniforms.I have put it on the 0% card.I did look on freecycle but there is more people requesting them than offering them.
This has been a reallly bad month and I cant wait to see it gone, in fact I cant wait for 2 years when we will be £500 better of each month and we can pay these cards off.
I am feeling really down today and the thought of using a credit card to withdraw cash is making me feel ill, even if it is a temporary measure, its funny really I never used to bat an eyelid about doing it.
I know people will suggest e-bay etc but the money needs to go into my bank today as the loan comes out tomorrow.
OH is doing lots of overtime and he is really tired, I feel quite sorry for him.
Luckily my wages next month will be really good..

oxondaemonfeurer

aww hon, don't beat yourself up about it - you know its only a short term thing and the overtime will cover it but it is a bloody pain when you think you might be ok and then things go wrong - usually in threes!....

Here's to a much better September for us all!

T
xx

d_brat81

Hi All

matureoxstudent told me about this thread in another thread so I've decided to come for some words of wisdom.

I'm married but recently separated due to the stress of being the man of the house because dh switches off when he comes from work.

We've been married 7 years and up until I had maternity leave in 2006 with our first child cash flow has never been a problem.

I have PND & suffer with backpain (that cripples me!) so since I have not been able to go back to work.

Before when we want something we just bought it but with 1 income and a mortgage a baby our life style had to be adjusted which dh could not seem to comprehend.

I began cutting down/out extras but he would still splurge. I decided to consolidate the loans into one payment. I went to visit my mom and left a list of who to pay what to... He went out and bought a car and projector and in the end we had this huge loan and the majority of the bills unpaid...

He spend 2000 to fix the car at the dealers which made it worse and when I wrote to TS they wanted an independents viewpoint... The independent messed him about thus taking more of his money and the car remained unfixed - result more debt!!

I am always the one writing the letters, researching laws and acts etc and trying to come up with some sort of plan while he just says hes tired, go to bed or watches telly!!

If someone calls he doesn't have a clue whats going on or what I have written to them, even though I email it to him to proof read so in the end he gives them permission to talk to me and I try to sort things or end up arguing with them.

I am so frustrated, stressed and full of resentment that I am always arguing with him (rather I shout and he just sits there!!!:mad: or goes to bed) We've been sleeping in separate beds for a year now and I feel like his mom telling him he needs to be responsible or you can't buy that now or thats too expensive or 'write a letter to abc' or 'call xyz' or 'pay qrs' or don't use this card because you maxed it out!! I've cut up ALL credit cards now.

He's now renting somewhere else but I miss him dearly. I've not laughed in so long and I know he works hard and its not fair not being able to buy something when you want but we have responsibilities now and can't just buy on whim like we used to when we had no child or mortgage to worry about.

I just don't know what to do anymore but I know I don't wnat to be the man anymore... I've put up this wall around me where I can't stand him to touch me even though I want to be hugged, I can't laugh at jokes... I am a mess and our daughter misses him so much and it breaks my heart to say daddy has a new home now....

What do I do and how can I change to be more subtle and not aggressive or motherly?

supersavershal

Hello Brat 81, what an awful time you have had.Our problems started when we had children too, we went from 2 extremely good salaries with over £1000 left to use each month to his salary and my part time wage and a lot more debt.
We have been down the consolidation route more than once, taking extra on the mortgage and then running debts up again.
I had my lightbulb moment and started to get sensible but OH never did.He is better than he used to be but still has his moments.
He has never written an official letter since he has lived here, he just used to sign everything put in front of him.He no longer borrows money since I visited his friends and told them it would not get paid back, he has credit cards but orders a card for me as an additional card holder then his gets cut up.
I was fed up of being motherly so now I take care of all financial issues and decisions he is happy with that and I am because now it is clear who has the responsibility.He isnt all bad he is a lovely funny loving man and a wonderful father so I feel I can put up with this.Other people in marriages where the woman doesnt work the men sort the finances out so why not in our relationship.
We have light at the end of the tunnel in 2 years when we will have paid a big loan off and OH will not need to pay csa anymore so we are plodding along until then.

Verbatim

sss,

Just a thought but could you pay the bill directly with the cc rather than getting out cash and paying it? That way you wouldn't incur interest as long as you paid it off in full by the due date.

d_brat81

supersavershal wrote: »

Hello Brat 81, what an awful time you have had.Our problems started when we had children too, we went from 2 extremely good salaries with over £1000 left to use each month to his salary and my part time wage and a lot more debt.
We have been down the consolidation route more than once, taking extra on the mortgage and then running debts up again.
I had my lightbulb moment and started to get sensible but OH never did.He is better than he used to be but still has his moments.
He has never written an official letter since he has lived here, he just used to sign everything put in front of him.He no longer borrows money since I visited his friends and told them it would not get paid back, he has credit cards but orders a card for me as an additional card holder then his gets cut up.
I was fed up of being motherly so now I take care of all financial issues and decisions he is happy with that and I am because now it is clear who has the responsibility.He isnt all bad he is a lovely funny loving man and a wonderful father so I feel I can put up with this.Other people in marriages where the woman doesnt work the men sort the finances out so why not in our relationship.
We have light at the end of the tunnel in 2 years when we will have paid a big loan off and OH will not need to pay csa anymore so we are plodding along until then.

Right now I am really despondent because it doesn't look like its gonna get better!! We are now separated, which means 2 sets of outgoings, more debts and as it stands outgoings were alot more than the income before! And he is still depending on me to tell him what to say or to write the letters and I just can't cope... I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. He says hes stressed as well but how could he be when he doesn't even deal with it/them?

He is funny and loving and all that but with my depression and pains and all this stress its not helping because I don't see a way out except 6 feet under!

I tried so hard to contact creditors when things started going downhill... did everything by the books and got no help whatsoever not from creditors, CAB or anyone else...

Sorry to change the tone of this thread... so sorry....