Living with a hopeless spender.

oxondaemonfeurer

yeah, I threaten to stop doing everything and he just moans like a bloody child and becomes totally unbearable. He even had the cheek to tell me that I wasn't particuarly houseproud anyway! I know I have clutter but the place is clean, the washing is done and we always have food in the cupbaord/freezer...

I do sometimes think I would be better off alone again but then he does something to make me realise that I do love him etc... but I can't put up with it much longer. If I have a moan he tells me I must be pre-menstrual or that I'm taking out my previous marriage etc out on him! arghhh

We tried the pocket money thing and yes, like you I have had the 'I need a life etc...' despite me managing to arrange and pay for gigs/theatre trips/days out with the kids and cheap holidays (usually Sun vouchers...). If he could drive I'm sure he wouldn't spend so much time in the pub but we can't afford for him to learn (convienient!) and he feels his balance issues may prevent him from actually driving...

I told him the other day I wasn't driving him to work and he whinged so much and accused me of being selfish even though I keep telling him it costs me about £2 to drive him and the car is literally on its last legs... can't afford a new one and actually am tempted to try and avoid getting a new one so that realises how much I do drive for him!!

sorry for having a moan, I am really tired, got my dissertation due on 1st and with my son at home this week and my OH out until half eight-ish haven't managed to get to the gym to exercise and relax... I need some 'me' time! still, as long as the OH has his 3 hours 'me' time including travel after work each day thats ok isn't it....

supersavershal

Matureoxstudent, it sounds like you need a break and some me time.
You need to look at what you have with him and if it is worth putting up with it and if you will be happy.Are you happy? There is no point in continuing with it if you arnt happy.They never change, I dont think there will ever be a time in our lives when OH can manage his own money, I worry sometimes about the children and what would happen if anything happened to me, OH now just relies on me to sort everything out.Its DS birthday on Saturday and OH was very involved in choosing his presents but didnt think about how we would pay for them, I have been putting money aside for a few weeks to cover it..Oh will come with me to buy the presents, he will wrap them and of course he will play with DS with the toys but he would not know how much they cost.
You get yourself to the Gym you need to do that for you.Vent your frustrations on the treadmill.

oxondaemonfeurer

thanks sss, when he's not tired and grumpy (not often at the moment) he's lovely to be with and genuinely cares for me etc but he resorts to being selfish big kid when tired and expect me to put up with it. i think I'm feeling the strain due to money and my dissertation at the moment and need to reevaulate my life once I've handed in my diss. Then I can take an objective viewpoint and decide what to do, problem is we've only been married less than a year and thought things would be better once he had a job etc, I guess he needs to also decide whether to stay in his job and put up with the hassles and tiredness for little money or get off his !!!! and get a different job - perhaps he'll be less inclined to run to the pub then...
I've also got a little more sneaky too, he used to always ask me if I have any change and it annoyed me that I was always giving it to him. I've now started popping the odd coin he leaves lying around into a pot on the bookcase and when he asks I give it to him from there. He's not sussed its his own money yet and when its empty I tell him no I have no change and ignore his pouty lip!
He was also on about a jacket he likes in the charity shop yesterday so I simply said that when he gets paid next week and he's paid his housekeeping he should treat himself! I think he expected me to give him £15 to buy it! I was tempted to tell him 5 pints would pay for it but held my tongue... I'm going to really trawl through posts on here and use all the tricks I can, perhaps treat it as a challenge/game and see how much I can squirrell away etc...

thanks for the advice and support, if OH gets home at decent hour I may well go out to gym if he agrees to look after my son....:rolleyes:

Conrad

matureoxstudent wrote: »

thanks sss, when he's not tired and grumpy (not often at the moment) he's lovely to be with and genuinely cares for me etc but he resorts to being selfish big kid when tired and expect me to put up with it.

Wedding vows tells us love is never selfish. True love is where one person puts thier partners interests on an equal footing.

I think we all should be with someone a long time before we know if we love them - I know I rushed in.

A relationship built more on the physical premise is bound to fail. In the end it comes down do how well you rub along together and respect one another. A relationship built on romance is really just 'for fun' - it isn't meaningful or long lasting in itsself. If we only want the fun bits - we only want 1/2 a person.

Not sure if this is correct, just my feeling.

A lot of us blokes are like little boys - we want lots of me time and no responsibility for the rest, afterall we work all day:rolleyes:
Sorry to say this, but blokes with that attitude must be intollerable to be around and it will take a lot to make it work.

Us blokes need to recognise we have lots of faults that need constant work, but we must not be selfish (too often:rolleyes: ), certainly not habitually selfish.

Spending money like that is pretty childish of him. I think you might want to be alone for a good while - it's great, dont be afraid of being alone - enjoy it.

All the best

Robbda

My god are we all with the same man?

Mines a nightmare!

supersavershal

OH has just taken DS to karate, he needs to withraw his cigarette money so I gave him the card, I said only the £40 the rest is for DS birthday presents and do you know what he said, he said Ive been thinking about that we should use the credit card, I was seething I said the money is there, I dont need to use cards and he said "it will be tight with the day out and everything" I said dont worry its all accounted for.
This is his attitude I have honestly accounted for it all, their train fare and lunch and everything, my petrol for work and then I get child benefit Tuesday and my pay on Wednesday so we wont go short.He is addicted to plastic.
He said it would be OK because wev balance transferred to 0% cards, he doesnt understand debt is debt and im trying to get it down not increase it.
God knows what life would be like if he still had access to credit cards.
Thanks Conrad for a mans insight into this.

oxondaemonfeurer

Hi SSS,

how's it going with your OH? How was DS birthday? did it go as planned?

T
xx

twirlypinky

One of the reasons i split with my ex H was his attitude to money. It hasn't changed either, when he showed me around his brand new apartment he was full of his new stereo that has the sound follow you round the flat (I have no idea how that works) and all that. But as soon as he showed me it i remembered how painful it was to live with him. I no longer dread the front door sound and the "guess what I bought today!" and then the misery of being shown the chocolate fountain/kitchen optics/laptop/golf clubs/tie/shoes/suit...

If your relationship is strong enough that you can get past that then I applaud you, i really do. I'm ashamed to say that the "for better for worse" part of my vows didn't hold up and I couldn't live with him anymore. Luckily we didn't have children so I didn't have to stay for them. It breaks my heart that he couldn't change and I couldn't compromise, but that's life i guess.

Just don't do what I did and fall into the consolidation loop and end up signing your own name against the debt. Be strong, remember no means no, and you CANNOT be talked round. My ex was a sales person and he charmed me into so many bad purchases.

supersavershal

HI, DS birthday was great, OH and myself went to toys-r-us for his presents the day before, we stuck to the list and the budget.When I got to the checkout OH had hidden a batman figure in the trolley, he got it but had to pay for it from his spending money that he usually has for cinema, pub outings.On sons birthday OH took him out for the day as I was working and he actually brought change home but refused to take a packed lunch.
I have been paid today and because I had 3 weeks holiday in July my unsociable hours payments were right down so my pay this month is rubbish, I will have to be very careful.
Next month they will be very good as ive worked every weekend in August, it makes a big difference.
How are you getting on matureoxstudent? Any progress with your OH?
We are supposed to be going to a wedding on Saturday so that will cost us a fair bit, I have nothing suitable to wear, will need to get a taxi, pay for drinks and pay a babysitter so im getting nervous, but I really want to go as we dont go out very often and it will be a good night.

amyandjon

hey supersavershal, i got a pretty decent floral print dress from tesco for a wedding wore some shoes for a 10er and a cardigan from asda 5 quid i think it all came in under 50 quid that included handbag and jewellery normally im to coast buying loads!! or borrow off someone i did when i went to another plush do i borrowed my mates mums dress it was lovely and free and i was happy xx hope your well xxx