Broken

Oakdene

Pollycat wrote: »

It really does sound like a very rapid 180 degree turn from her.
You must be baffled, especially as she won't discuss it with you.

I hope you can work it out, you sound like a keeper.
Let's hope she realises that too.

Thank you very much, I just wish I had a crystal ball- genuinely don't know whether to call her or let her have space...

surveyqueenuk

paddy's_mum wrote: »

What did your daughter do that was so disruptive or damaging that she could no longer stay with her mother?

This is what I am wondering too. It could be that, despite getting on well with your daughter, she has some reservations about living with her full-time.

Oakdene

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

This is what I am wondering too. It could be that, despite getting on well with your daughter, she has some reservations about living with her full-time.

Apologies, I didn't see the original reply.

My daughter doesn't get on with her mums new partner as they share very little in common. No bad or disruptive behaviour, certainly none that either my ex partner or my daughter told me of.

FBaby

I can't help but wonder whether there is more to it than what you say.

We spoke about it at length & decided I should go for it.

What did you discuss exactly? Did you agree mutually that you would move in asap with her daughter? Or could there have been a misunderstanding that you took it for granted that's what would happen whereas she assumed that you were going to take the job but move to your own place with your daughter?

I have dropped one of her closest friends a text just to ask how she is

Why did you do that? If her issue is that she feels suffocated then texting her friends will only exacerbate her feeling.

How about texting her, saying that you respect her need for space and will stay away, but that you would be grateful for a chance to talk things through in a few days/weeks so that you can be sure there were no misunderstanding in terms pf mutual intentions.

FBaby

I tried to convince her that I would be saving as much as I could, probably an extra £500 a month but she said that its too scary to uproot me & my daughter in case it doesn't work after a few months.

Just to add, I expect that she probably found your daughter living them 2/3 days a week, and then full-time during the holidays much more difficult than she let you believe. Maybe she realised after she went back to her place how much she did miss her time for herself and that brought on the anxiety about you and your daughter moving in full-time. I expect the factor that led her to say it couldn't happen if seeing your daughter adapting to a new school to please her and you and then being overwhelmed with guilt if suddenly decided it didn't work out and you needing to go back to your old place. She doesn't want this responsibility on her shoulders.

That's why I think things would have worked out much better if you'd got your own place first, so at least your daughter would have had time to adjust to her new life without feeling that her life depended on your girlfriend's choices.

Oakdene

FBaby wrote: »

I can't help but wonder whether there is more to it than what you say.



What did you discuss exactly? Did you agree mutually that you would move in asap with her daughter? Or could there have been a misunderstanding that you took it for granted that's what would happen whereas she assumed that you were going to take the job but move to your own place with your daughter?

We discussed me applying for & accepting the job, as well as moving schools. We both agreed that it wouldn't be possible or practical for my daughter to continue in her current school as it would mean me driving 60 miles (total journey) west to take my daughter to school before then driving the 10 miles to new job. Then add that again for collecting my daughter after school. There wasn't any misunderstanding as we said it would be a good way to save extra money as we would split the bills in the house.

FBaby wrote: »

Why did you do that? If her issue is that she feels suffocated then texting her friends will only exacerbate her feeling.

How about texting her, saying that you respect her need for space and will stay away, but that you would be grateful for a chance to talk things through in a few days/weeks so that you can be sure there were no misunderstanding in terms pf mutual intentions.

I text because I care about her but don't want to suffocate her by asking. I have already decided to give her space but I don't want to be seen as doing nothing.

Mattygroves2

Text her or write (old fashioned paper and pen or e mail) to let her know you are giving her space. She can then delete / ignore it if she really doesn't want to know. Then wait for her to make contact.

At the moment it might look like you don't care at all.

Oakdene

Mattygroves2 wrote: »

Text her or write (old fashioned paper and pen or e mail) to let her know you are giving her space. She can then delete / ignore it if she really doesn't want to know. Then wait for her to make contact.

At the moment it might look like you don't care at all.

I have text her and said I'm giving you space but I really would like to talk, please.

Oakdene

Sadly she has said she had thought and thought about things and can't see it working.

Mattygroves2

Have you told her you'd be prepared to rent and still live separately ? Big risk on your part as it still might not work out but it might give her a bit more time to come round to the idea. Would leaving your daughter at your parents work rather than moving her as well ?

It may be that she simply likes her own space too much and you'd always have to have two properties but could still be together.