Broken

PasturesNew

Lots of responsibility on her for it to be right.

I'd suggest your best bet is to move/rent close to her .... and see how it goes.

At short notice her home would be turned upside down and she'd have to cope with having less space, having you there all the time, accommodating your daughter and her needs (having moved to a new house, new area, new school AND moving in with a stranger).

She's suddenly got to accommodate two new people's habits/rituals/traditions and their dietary desires and foibles.

It's way too much.

Find somewhere small/local to rent for, say, 12 months in the first instance and see how it goes.

12 months gives you all chance to adjust and acclimatise, get used to each others' habits and wishes.... get used to sharing space, but all with a bolthole to run to.

Double_V

If you had the option to move and earn more, you should have gone for it.
Could rent somewhere in the same town.
Maybe then if she sees you often in town, she might change her mind. ?

I think you should move their. Better job, more saving etc. It is good.
If she is not meant for you, you will find some one else good for you.

Good luck.

paddy's_mum

In her shoes, I'd probably be running scared, too! Look at what you are asking (expecting?) her to deal with.

You WILL all be cramped and she may fear that you will acquire rights over what is currently her property. Will there eventually be resentment from your daughter that she has been uprooted to facilitate your needs? What did your daughter do that was so disruptive or damaging that she could no longer stay with her mother?

You state that you are impatient - does the lady feel that she is, in effect, being railroaded?

The loss of independence is actually a big ask. What does the lady do with a child still at school if the relationship breaks down along the road? There may well also be resentment that her lifestyle is being dramatically altered in order to accommodate you and your family. Deep in her heart, she may feel that there is little in it for her.

It may also simply be that she recognises her feelings for you are not deep or strong enough to build all this upon and would rather withdraw now. Perhaps she is being utterly honest and straight with you.

Maybe a way forward is to ask whether she would accept a rekindling of the relationship if you were to rent in her area. I believe that her answer to that 'half-way house' suggestion may give you the clarity that you need.

Good luck.

krlyr

After 3.5 years, even if she's still not quite ready to live together (whether it's to do with space, ownership of her house, etc.), I would hope that you were both in a position to sit down and talk about things, go over concerns, see if there are alternative solutions. If not, it doesn't really bode well for the future or for having a family with her.

Oakdene

PasturesNew wrote: »

I'd suggest your best bet is to move/rent close to her .... and see how it goes.


She's suddenly got to accommodate two new people's habits/rituals/traditions and their dietary desires and foibles.

It's way too much.

Find somewhere small/local to rent for, say, 12 months in the first instance and see how it goes.

12 months gives you all chance to adjust and acclimatise, get used to each others' habits and wishes.... get used to sharing space, but all with a bolthole to run to.

I think its easier to think about that now this has happened, I guess its something I could say to her or offer.

Double_V wrote: »

If you had the option to move and earn more, you should have gone for it.
Could rent somewhere in the same town.
Maybe then if she sees you often in town, she might change her mind. ?

I think you should move their. Better job, more saving etc. It is good.
If she is not meant for you, you will find some one else good for you.

Good luck.

I see what you are saying, however I don't know if I'd be happy moving for the sake of the job as I have friends etc here & I wouldn't like to have to start the whole process of making friends etc again...

paddy's_mum wrote: »

In her shoes, I'd probably be running scared, too! Look at what you are asking (expecting?) her to deal with.

You WILL all be cramped and she may fear that you will acquire rights over what is currently her property. Will there eventually be resentment from your daughter that she has been uprooted to facilitate your needs? What did your daughter do that was so disruptive or damaging that she could no longer stay with her mother?

You state that you are impatient - does the lady feel that she is, in effect, being railroaded?

The loss of independence is actually a big ask. What does the lady do with a child still at school if the relationship breaks down along the road? There may well also be resentment that her lifestyle is being dramatically altered in order to accommodate you and your family. Deep in her heart, she may feel that there is little in it for her.

It may also simply be that she recognises her feelings for you are not deep or strong enough to build all this upon and would rather withdraw now. Perhaps she is being utterly honest and straight with you.

Maybe a way forward is to ask whether she would accept a rekindling of the relationship if you were to rent in her area. I believe that her answer to that 'half-way house' suggestion may give you the clarity that you need.

Good luck.

I haven't been impatient towards this, what I meant was I am generally impatient. I think things may have moved too quick but we've been together for 3 1/2 years so I (maybe naively) thought it could work now. The realisation of it all has obviously hit home for her & she is scared of it all.

Perhaps the right move is to rent but then I wonder how I can save towards the future...

FBaby

It sounds that your eagerness to lose your independence has made her wonder if it meant you expected the same from her. How much did you discuss your intentions with her? Could it be that although you did your enthusiasm made he feel she had no choice but to go with it and in the end made her feel trapped? Some people have a genuine need for independence and even if she was prepared to give it a go your plans meant that it was too quick for her and more importantly not leaving with any exit route if it didn't work without living you in trouble.
The fact you are saying there is no point in taking the job and moving is probably her evidence of her worries. She was probably hoping that you were making that move for yourself not just to be sharing your life with her.

Oakdene

FBaby wrote: »

It sounds that your eagerness to lose your independence has made her wonder if it meant you expected the same from her. How much did you discuss your intentions with her? Could it be that although you did your enthusiasm made he feel she had no choice but to go with it and in the end made her feel trapped? Some people have a genuine need for independence and even if she was prepared to give it a go your plans meant that it was too quick for her and more importantly not leaving with any exit route if it didn't work without living you in trouble.

Thanks for the reply, with regards to not discussing it, I had a wobble about taking it shortly after accepting it & we talked & both said it was a great chance for us for the future. Its not eagerness necessarily from me, she has said in the past that she isn't getting any younger & at some point she wants to have a child/children...which I said I would like to start a family with her.

Perhaps the better scenario would have been, & I know it is always easier looking back, to see if we could cope full time before there was a pressure of a new job etc.

FBaby wrote: »

The fact you are saying there is no point in taking the job and moving is probably her evidence of her worries. She was probably hoping that you were making that move for yourself not just to be sharing your life with her.

It is logistically not worth me moving jobs solely for me, yes it was a great opportunity but its in a different county & different town. Had I not been in a relationship & looking to the future I wouldn't have the need to look for a job within that geographical area.

Pixie5740

Put the option of taking the job and renting a place nearby on the table and see what she says. If she's not interested then you and your daughter stay put. If she is interested would it be possible for your daughter to continue living with your parents during the week for a bit longer so she can stay at the same school. Then if it's working out with you and your partner you could look at changing schools.

Oakdene

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Put the option of taking the job and renting a place nearby on the table and see what she says. If she's not interested then you and your daughter stay put. If she is interested would it be possible for your daughter to continue living with your parents during the week for a bit longer so she can stay at the same school. Then if it's working out with you and your partner you could look at changing schools.

Im going to give her a little time & space to think about what she wants. We were so very happy together she may miss me. When she decides she is ready to talk I'll listen & say I want to work at this & offer the renting of a separate house for me & my daughter so theres no pressure.

I have dropped one of her closest friends a text just to ask how she is

Pollycat

Oakdene wrote: »

Im going to give her a little time & space to think about what she wants. We were so very happy together she may miss me. When she decides she is ready to talk I'll listen & say I want to work at this & offer the renting of a separate house for me & my daughter so theres no pressure.

I have dropped one of her closest friends a text just to ask how she is

It really does sound like a very rapid 180 degree turn from her.
You must be baffled, especially as she won't discuss it with you.

I hope you can work it out, you sound like a keeper.
Let's hope she realises that too.