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Contacting adopted children. Leave it alone?

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  • Person_one
    Person_one Posts: 28,884 Forumite
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    restless6 wrote: »
    The biological dad has left it too late to wade in now and rock the boat.

    This woman is a grown adult and if she knew she had a biological father somewhere and wanted to know him, then i am sure she would have done so by now.

    Leave her be.

    It's never too late.

    A member of my family only found out in their eighties that they had two siblings they'd never known about. They are now getting to know each other and their extended families, and are delighted to have found each other even after all this time.

    This woman deserves to know the truth and to have the opportunity to meet her relatives (not just her biological father) if she wants to. Denying her that may be depriving her of something wonderful, and nobody really has the right to keep secrets from somebody that are so personal to them.
  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451 Forumite
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    My parents divorced before I was born and I was raised by my mums new husband. Quite frankly I've did without my birth dad for 30 years and I couldn't care less where he is now. My birth dad did have custody for a while but I don't remember him despite keeping a relationship with his parents and his disabled sister.

    If he appeared in my life now he would not be welcome, I have a dad and have no desire for another.
  • TonyMMM
    TonyMMM Posts: 3,391 Forumite
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    duchy wrote: »
    This actually isn't true.
    I was well into my twenties before I saw a full version of my birth certificate and got the first indication that circumstances around my birth weren't quite as they seemed but I'd always had a short version (which doesn't show parents names)
    Many people never see the full version and use the short version.

    I never mentioned short certificates - you always have to refer the the full version, which gives the information required.

    What I posted above is entirely correct.
  • Newly_retired
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    If she doesn't know already, there could be circumstances where the daughter finds out that she is not the biological daughter of her father eg if she should have a medical problem, need a transplant etc. Or maybe it could come out if she were to do her Family History. I have discovered all sorts of mysteries in my mother's family this way. In some instances I am glad she did not know, in others, I wish she had known eg that she had a cousin living in the same town. Sadly it is too late as she died some years ago.
    So my point is that I feel it is important that there is a way that the daughter in this thread has some way that she will be able to access information about her biological father if she wants or needs to at some point.
    I agree that buying a birth certificate is a starting point, then contacting an agency. This daughter is not a young girl any more. She has an established life, and the situation needs careful handling.
  • amersall
    amersall Posts: 17,010 Forumite
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    My Niece found out in the most cruel way imo, she brought new boyfriend home and Mum was horrified, this young man was her Daughters step brother!.
    The fallout was unbelievable, Niece was devastated, it took years to heal that rift, not nice.
  • mumps
    mumps Posts: 6,285 Forumite
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    GlasweJen wrote: »
    My parents divorced before I was born and I was raised by my mums new husband. Quite frankly I've did without my birth dad for 30 years and I couldn't care less where he is now. My birth dad did have custody for a while but I don't remember him despite keeping a relationship with his parents and his disabled sister.

    If he appeared in my life now he would not be welcome, I have a dad and have no desire for another.

    I understand and respect your feelings but as an adult do you think you should have a choice? The OPs step daughter might feel quite differently to you, it isn't going to be the same for everyone. I think I might feel like you and I think my sister would feel the opposite (she is very into family history and seems to have befriended every 2nd and 3rd cousin she can trace, beyond me but she loves it.)
    Sell £1500

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  • mumps
    mumps Posts: 6,285 Forumite
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    amersall wrote: »
    My Niece found out in the most cruel way imo, she brought new boyfriend home and Mum was horrified, this young man was her Daughters step brother!.
    The fallout was unbelievable, Niece was devastated, it took years to heal that rift, not nice.

    Could have been worse, he could have been her half brother.
    Sell £1500

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  • Mrshaworth2b
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    I don't understand how in the original post it says he will not look at her pictures and just asks if she is happy then says he wants to ask the ex wife whether the daughter knows of him?

    I would be wary about potentially disrupting his daughters life if he doesn't really want to be fully involved with her. She may well say I don't care who this man is and carry on living her life but she might want him in her life and if he's already on the fence in regards to what he wants to know or see it isn't worth getting in touch at all?
    Newly Married, not a 2b anymore!! Mum to two wonderful boys!
  • TBagpuss
    TBagpuss Posts: 11,205 Forumite
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    I think the firsdt step would be get a copy of her birth certificate which will given an indication of whether the daughter is likelyto know that her Dad is not her biological father.

    If she doesn't know, then she cannot make a decision about whether she has any interest in getting to know her birth father.

    If she does know, then I think that it would be reasonable for your husband to let her know that he would be interested in meeting her / getting to know her, but that it is entirely up to her to decide whether she wants to pursue that. That way, she would know that the door was open and it would be up to her to decide if and when she wants to go through it.

    If it seems likely that she does not know, then I think she has a right to know and to make her own choice from there. I do not think her mother or step dad have the right to make the decision for her now that she is an adult.

    In that siuation, i think your husband should, as a matter of courtesy, approach his ex wife first. Not to ask her permission, but to let her know that wishs to contact his daiughter to let her know he exists and that he would be open to getting to know her if she is at all interested. That way, Mum has the opportunity to speak to her daughter first, and to break the news herself, if she has kept Daughter's parentage secret.

    I also agree that if your husband thinks that his daugther does not, or may not know that her Dad is her step dad, then it would be wise to make any approach through a professional third party so that suitable resorurces are available to daughter if she needs them, and to reduce the pressure.

    From what you say, it sounds as though she is not, in fact, adopted. However, many of the issues are the same. Your husband may also find the servcices of a professional helpful in helping him to manage his expectations and to live with the outcome if, when she learns the truth, his daughter decides that she does not want any relationship with him.

    I am actually quite shocked that there are so many posters who feel that this woman should be left in ignorance of her own background - it is her life, not her mum's, not her father's, not her step-dad's, but hers. And she cannot make a choiceif she does not know that there is a choice to be made.

    She may decide she is not interested. But she deserves the option to make that choice for herself, and to do so whn her parents (all three of them) are all still around so that she can, if she wants, talk to them and understand the decisions they made.
    All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)
  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451 Forumite
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    mumps wrote: »
    I understand and respect your feelings but as an adult do you think you should have a choice? The OPs step daughter might feel quite differently to you, it isn't going to be the same for everyone. I think I might feel like you and I think my sister would feel the opposite (she is very into family history and seems to have befriended every 2nd and 3rd cousin she can trace, beyond me but she loves it.)

    But the OPs husband wants to leave it and let the daughter come, this is coming from the OP because she never knew her father and wished that she did.

    The daughter was effectively abandoned by her father before she was even born. She is now an adult and has no connection to her biological father whatsoever, the OP doesn't even know if the lass knows that her father exists. The woman in question can come looking when and if she wants, it's not up to a step mother with her own daddy issues to initiate contact out of the blue.
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