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Contacting adopted children. Leave it alone?

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  • Pricivius
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    My biological father walked out of my life when I was 3/4 and chose to stay away throughout my childhood. When asked why, he said he thought it was for the best as my mum had re-married and there was a lot of animosity and negative feeling. He did not want to get in the way or spoil the new family unit.

    Turns out he used to almost stalk us, just to see how we were doing. He had pictures of us that my mum had sent to his mum, our grandma. He held off as long as he could before coming back into our lives. We all knew our stepdad was a stepdad and that our biological dad was out there somewhere, so obviously different from the OP's situation.

    Our stepdad was my hero and saved my family - but I still had a dad. My dad died before I could get to know him and that is a regret I will always have. He could never have replaced my stepdad and vice versa.

    So... In your shoes, I would approach one of the charities for help. Explain very clearly what you have explained here and leave it to them. Then you sit back. You've tried and now it's up to her/her mum.
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    Frankly if he would only marry his now wife and take on the child as his own if bioDad disappeared - then the odds of the child knowing he is't her father by blood are likely to be low.

    I do think the OP is identifying a bit too much with her step daughter and this revelation could bring a world of pain to all concerned and I would advise the OP's husband makes contact with his local council's adoption social worker for proper advice. The one at our local council was amazing.

    My partner's ex partner had two daughters adopted (into the same family so same upbringing and info given and same adoptive parents). One was happy to get to know her birth Mum as an adult the other had no interest in having any contact- There was no resentment -she just seems to feel it wasn't relevant so it isn't just to do with circumstances but personalities come into play too even with the same situation.
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  • restless6
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    The biological dad has left it too late to wade in now and rock the boat.

    This woman is a grown adult and if she knew she had a biological father somewhere and wanted to know him, then i am sure she would have done so by now.

    Leave her be.
  • TonyMMM
    TonyMMM Posts: 3,394 Forumite
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    The child's birth certificate is key - if the mother was still legally married to the biological father at the time of the birth she could have given his name as the father quite legally without him being present and he will be named on the cerificate.

    Alternatively , the new partner could have gone with her to register and they registered the birth as an unmarried couple and he appears as father.

    or she could have registered the birth with no father's details shown.

    Which of the above happened is very clear from the birth certificate - and actually you could work it out just from the way it is indexed on one of the genealogy sites (Ancestry, FindMyPast etc.)

    Until you know that - you have no idea if the girl has any idea about her parentage and should certainly not approach her.
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    TonyMMM wrote: »
    The child's birth certificate is key - if the mother was still legally married to the biological father at the time of the birth she could have given his name as the father quite legally without him being present and he will be named on the cerificate.

    Alternatively , the new partner could have gone with her to register and they registered the birth as an unmarried couple and he appears as father.

    or she could have registered the birth with no father's details shown.

    Which of the above happened is very clear from the birth certificate - and actually you could work it out just from the way it is indexed on one of the genealogy sites (Ancestry, FindMyPast etc.)

    Until you know that - you have no idea if the girl has any idea about her parentage and should certainly not approach her.

    This actually isn't true.
    I was well into my twenties before I saw a full version of my birth certificate and got the first indication that circumstances around my birth weren't quite as they seemed but I'd always had a short version (which doesn't show parents names)
    Many people never see the full version and use the short version.
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  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    TonyMMM wrote: »
    The child's birth certificate is key

    Which of the above happened is very clear from the birth certificate
    duchy wrote: »
    Many people never see the full version and use the short version.

    It's still worth the OP and partner buying the birth certificate so that they know what information the mother gave at the time.

    As others have suggested, I would talk it through with one of the charities/agencies who help with reuniting parents and children.
  • milliemonster
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    Be very careful, my sister was conceived when my mum was 16, young and naive and when she met my dad, the 'real' father moved away. My sister who is now in her 50s has never wanted to know who her birth father was, she has a family of her own, bears him no animosity but has absolutely no desire to know who he was, or anything about him.

    With respect, all your husband contributed to his 'daughter' was at conception, nothing more. Despite your own feelings of wishing to know who your birth father was, not everyone feels the same.
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  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
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    I thought the biodad was married to the mother, who left him? That does imply some commitment to the relationship, and maybe even the possibility of children.
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  • mumps
    mumps Posts: 6,285 Forumite
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    She might not want to know him but then again she might. She might not know about him but one day she might find out. I think the worst possible scenario would be her finding out one day after he has died and she regrets never knowing him.

    I would contact her mother and find out if she knows then you can work out where to go from there. You might find out she wants to find him, result. You might find out she wants nothing to do with him and at least he knows. What you do if her mother has lied to her is a more difficult question.

    I know someone who has spent her adult life trying to trace her birth father, although she had a loving dad she still wanted to meet her biological father. She has recently come to the realisation that she will never meet him, he isn't likely to be alive now due to age. She views it as a tragedy and has had a great influence on her life. I don't think it is easy to know how the daughter might feel but she is an adult and surely has a right to know.
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  • mumps
    mumps Posts: 6,285 Forumite
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    I'm pretty sure that, if they were married at the time, it wasn't a lie to put her husband's name down as the father.

    If they were married I think the legal presumption would be that he was the father, I'm not sure that means that weren't lying if they actually stated he was when they knew he wasn't. Irrespective of that I don't think it is clear that she had remarried before the baby was born, when she was 7 months pregnant the OP states that they had started divorce proceedings so they only had weeks to complete the divorce, which would include waiting for six weeks between the decree nisi and decree absolute and arrange a wedding. The wedding might have been after the birth.
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