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Contacting adopted children. Leave it alone?

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  • heuchera
    heuchera Posts: 1,825 Forumite
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    She has a "real father" - the man who's brought her up!

    Oops - already said.

    Obviously real father in this context means biological father.
    I'm pretty sure that, if they were married at the time, it wasn't a lie to put her husband's name down as the father.

    You mean legally they would have had to lie and put the new husband down as the father on the birth certificate?

    in my opinion all three were complicit in this situation, - the OP's husband, the new man and the ex-wife. How long did they think they could keep this under wraps for? How can someone intentionally deceive their own child like that. (Of course this is assuming the daughter is unaware of her true parentage)
    left the forum due to trolling/other nonsense
    28.3.2016
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
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    Real father and biological father do not automatically mean the same thing. There's a hell of a lot more to parenting than supplying sperm.
  • heuchera
    heuchera Posts: 1,825 Forumite
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    tea_lover wrote: »
    Real father and biological father do not automatically mean the same thing. There's a hell of a lot more to parenting than supplying sperm.

    By real father it is clear what is meant (in this context), - the biological father.

    I would no sooner dismiss the father as a sperm donor than I would the mum as an egg donor. :mad: (I know someone who's being prevented from seeing his little daughter by his ex, and it hurts him so much, it's painful to see)



    It's possible, I suppose, that the woman already knows her true parentage, but if I were the OP I would advise her hubby to check out the birth cert, as said before, and take it from there.

    The organisations people have posted links to might be a good place to start. Better than popping up on FaceBook and saying hello you don't know me but I'm your father! Which I'm sure he has no intention of doing.
    left the forum due to trolling/other nonsense
    28.3.2016
  • LilElvis
    LilElvis Posts: 5,835 Forumite
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    heuchera wrote: »
    I think the daughter has a right to know the truth. Secrets have a nasty habit of coming out, and not always in the best of circumstances.

    But what impact could that knowledge wreak on her if she hasn't known the truth of her parentage for 30 years? How will it impact her relationship with her parents, her siblings and, more importantly, her sense of identity?
  • heuchera
    heuchera Posts: 1,825 Forumite
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    LilElvis wrote: »
    But what impact could that knowledge wreak on her if she hasn't known the truth of her parentage for 30 years? How will it impact her relationship with her parents, her siblings and, more importantly, her sense of identity?

    I know.. imagine being her :( But I do think she should know.

    1) she is an adult, and 2) she does have the right to know the truth, if she doesn't already.
    left the forum due to trolling/other nonsense
    28.3.2016
  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
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    swingaloo,

    Who in your family knows about the older sister? Is it just you and your husband? Or do your children know, or the grandparents etc.

    I agree that your husband needs to use a specialist service to take this forward.
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • swingaloo
    swingaloo Posts: 2,836 Forumite
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    edited 2 December 2015 at 10:13PM
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    whitewing wrote: »
    swingaloo,

    Who in your family knows about the older sister? Is it just you and your husband? Or do your children know, or the grandparents etc.

    I agree that your husband needs to use a specialist service to take this forward.

    There are no grandparents left alive now. His 2 other children did know that their dad had a previous daughter. One of them sadly passed away 2 years ago. Neither of the children were mine. We met and married after he was widowed.

    At the time it happened his parents were alive and aware of what was happening. I think from what he said his decision at the time was very influenced by his mums opinion.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    heuchera wrote: »
    Obviously real father in this context means biological father.



    You mean legally they would have had to lie and put the new husband down as the father on the birth certificate?

    in my opinion all three were complicit in this situation, - the OP's husband, the new man and the ex-wife. How long did they think they could keep this under wraps for? How can someone intentionally deceive their own child like that. (Of course this is assuming the daughter is unaware of her true parentage)

    Apart from any possible medical issues, a biological father (not "real father") in this context is totally irrelevant to the situation. The girl has a father and a mother and that's all that matters.

    The OP should stop meddling in other people's lives, even if she feels she's doing it for the best.
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
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    Using "real father" to describe someone who abandoned his child before she was even born is downright offensive.
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
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    tea_lover wrote: »
    Using "real father" to describe someone who abandoned his child before she was even born is downright offensive.

    who did that in this scenario?
This discussion has been closed.
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