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Contacting adopted children. Leave it alone?

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  • red_devil
    red_devil Posts: 10,793 Forumite
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    he should never have agreed to the wifes request at the beginning.
    :footie:
  • Ronaldo_Mconaldo
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    amersall wrote: »
    My Niece found out in the most cruel way imo, she brought new boyfriend home and Mum was horrified, this young man was her Daughters step brother!.
    The fallout was unbelievable, Niece was devastated, it took years to heal that rift, not nice.

    What's the big deal about that? They're not blood relatives.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    mumps wrote: »
    She might not want to know him but then again she might. She might not know about him but one day she might find out. I think the worst possible scenario would be her finding out one day after he has died and she regrets never knowing him.

    I would contact her mother and find out if she knows then you can work out where to go from there. You might find out she wants to find him, result. You might find out she wants nothing to do with him and at least he knows. What you do if her mother has lied to her is a more difficult question.

    I know someone who has spent her adult life trying to trace her birth father, although she had a loving dad she still wanted to meet her biological father.
    She has recently come to the realisation that she will never meet him, he isn't likely to be alive now due to age. She views it as a tragedy and has had a great influence on her life. I don't think it is easy to know how the daughter might feel but she is an adult and surely has a right to know.

    Well, she'd've saved a lot of time and emotional energy if she hadn't known he existed, wouldn't she?

    Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    amersall wrote: »
    My Niece found out in the most cruel way imo, she brought new boyfriend home and Mum was horrified, this young man was her Daughters step brother!.
    The fallout was unbelievable, Niece was devastated, it took years to heal that rift, not nice.

    Why would that have been a problem?
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
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    TBagpuss wrote: »
    I think the firsdt step would be get a copy of her birth certificate which will given an indication of whether the daughter is likelyto know that her Dad is not her biological father.

    If she doesn't know, then she cannot make a decision about whether she has any interest in getting to know her birth father.

    If she does know, then I think that it would be reasonable for your husband to let her know that he would be interested in meeting her / getting to know her, but that it is entirely up to her to decide whether she wants to pursue that. That way, she would know that the door was open and it would be up to her to decide if and when she wants to go through it.

    If it seems likely that she does not know, then I think she has a right to know and to make her own choice from there. I do not think her mother or step dad have the right to make the decision for her now that she is an adult.

    In that siuation, i think your husband should, as a matter of courtesy, approach his ex wife first. Not to ask her permission, but to let her know that wishs to contact his daiughter to let her know he exists and that he would be open to getting to know her if she is at all interested. That way, Mum has the opportunity to speak to her daughter first, and to break the news herself, if she has kept Daughter's parentage secret.

    I also agree that if your husband thinks that his daugther does not, or may not know that her Dad is her step dad, then it would be wise to make any approach through a professional third party so that suitable resorurces are available to daughter if she needs them, and to reduce the pressure.

    From what you say, it sounds as though she is not, in fact, adopted. However, many of the issues are the same. Your husband may also find the servcices of a professional helpful in helping him to manage his expectations and to live with the outcome if, when she learns the truth, his daughter decides that she does not want any relationship with him.

    I am actually quite shocked that there are so many posters who feel that this woman should be left in ignorance of her own background - it is her life, not her mum's, not her father's, not her step-dad's, but hers. And she cannot make a choiceif she does not know that there is a choice to be made.

    She may decide she is not interested. But she deserves the option to make that choice for herself, and to do so whn her parents (all three of them) are all still around so that she can, if she wants, talk to them and understand the decisions they made.

    It isn't her background - apart from possible medical issues it's irrelevant to her life.
  • burnoutbabe
    burnoutbabe Posts: 1,338 Forumite
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    GlasweJen wrote: »

    The woman in question can come looking when and if she wants,

    But she may not even know there is a bio-dad to look for.

    She should definately know the truth and then make up her own mind as to whether she wants contact. I can imagine she probably would be very angry with everyone for a while if just finding out now.

    So tell the mum you will be getting in touch and then do it.
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
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    But she may not even know there is a bio-dad to look for.

    She should definately know the truth and then make up her own mind as to whether she wants contact. I can imagine she probably would be very angry with everyone for a while if just finding out now.

    So tell the mum you will be getting in touch and then do it.

    Why should she? That's a genuine question. I know the standard response is "she has a right to know" but I just don't see how that is automatically a good thing. Loads of people are brought up by people who are not their biological parents. I don't see that the more-recent desire to drag all skeletons out of closets is really doing them any favours.

    She has parents who have brought her up and is part of a supportive family. Why would ripping that apart to provide contact with someone who abandoned her before birth be in her best interests?
  • duchy
    duchy Posts: 19,511 Forumite
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    edited 3 December 2015 at 2:32PM
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    TonyMMM wrote: »
    I never mentioned short certificates - you always have to refer the the full version, which gives the information required.

    What I posted above is entirely correct.

    You've missed the point
    Many people have never seen their full birth certificate just the short version (I only got mine as I was considering getting an Irish passport - British passports only need the short version) and never have any need to apply fr the full version.

    To assume this lass must have seen the full version is NOT correct and is assuming something that shouldn't be assumed. In fact if she assumes Dad 2 is her real Dad and the truth has been kept from her it's more than lkely the full version was never given to her just the short version if her father is named correctly on it.

    Of course she may know her birth father gave her up before she was born and simply has no interest in meeting him anyway.
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

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  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    duchy wrote: »
    You've missed the point
    Many people have never seen their full birth certificate just the short version (I only got mine as I was considering getting an Irish passport - British passports only need the short version) and never have any need to apply fr the full version.

    That's not the case now.
  • GlasweJen
    GlasweJen Posts: 7,451 Forumite
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    She probably knows, if she resembles your kids so much she mustn't look much like her mum or the man who raised her. The question has likely come up by now either when getting married or a passport or during a medical consultation. It's the same as adopted kids, if they give a toss they will come and find you, until then back off.
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