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Contacting adopted children. Leave it alone?

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  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
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    Several posts on this page for a start.
  • tiger_eyes
    tiger_eyes Posts: 1,006 Forumite
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    I don't see how the mother of the child could possibly know for certain whether her daughter would like to know her biological father without asking her. The daughter is a grown adult with a right to make her own decisions. I'd be infuriated if my parents made this decision on my behalf without even consulting me.
  • Mojisola
    Mojisola Posts: 35,559 Forumite
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    I'm pretty sure that, if they were married at the time, it wasn't a lie to put her husband's name down as the father.

    Any child born to a married women is presumed to be the child of her husband but, as both the mother and her husband knew that wasn't true, of course it would have been a lie to name him as the father.
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
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    tea_lover wrote: »
    Several posts on this page for a start.

    sorry tea lover, are you saying that you think the OP's OH abandoned his daughter?

    I disagree, the way its been put across suggests to me that he didn't abandon her, he helped set her on her way in life with a stable home and family. And thats why he agreed not to be in her life.
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
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    Surely she was still married to her first husband when the baby was born anyway?
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
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    tiger_eyes wrote: »
    I don't see how the mother of the child could possibly know for certain whether her daughter would like to know her biological father without asking her. The daughter is a grown adult with a right to make her own decisions. I'd be infuriated if my parents made this decision on my behalf without even consulting me.

    okay, i buy that - so in this scenario, how would you prefer to be told, as an adult yourself (and making the assumption that you had a stable upbringing and you love your Mum and Dad) that your Dad isn't your birth father?
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
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    sorry tea lover, are you saying that you think the OP's OH abandoned his daughter?

    I disagree, the way its been put across suggests to me that he didn't abandon her, he helped set her on her way in life with a stable home and family. And thats why he agreed not to be in her life.

    FWIW, yes I very much think he abandoned her. But that isn't the point anyway - he made the decision and claims it was him her best interests. He now owes it to her parents to honour that. Far too late to kick up a selfish fuss now.
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
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    tea_lover wrote: »
    FWIW, yes I very much think he abandoned her. But that isn't the point anyway - he made the decision and claims it was him her best interests.
    He now owes it to her parents to honour that.
    Far too late to kick up a selfish fuss now.

    I do agree with you there (the bit in bold).
  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
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    While you are still thinking about it/discussing what to do, why doesn't biodad write a long letter to his daughter, or make a photo album/journal of his side of the family/memories - the kind of thing that you would know about your dad if you'd been part of everyday life. The process of doing this may help him make a decision and it will also mean that it's there if she does contact him at some point before he contacts her.

    In any case, I think there would probably be room in her heart for both dads if she so chooses. I don't love my children any less because I have two.
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
  • whitewing
    whitewing Posts: 11,852 Forumite
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    Just read you post, tea, and sorry I don't think he owes anything to the parents - only to the daughter. Feelings and circumstances change over time. The parents were just as complicit in excluding her from his life.
    :heartsmil When you find people who not only tolerate your quirks but celebrate them with glad cries of "Me too!" be sure to cherish them. Because these weirdos are your true family.
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