Women who keep their married name YEARS after the divorce.

Goldiegirl

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I really cringe when I hear young children calling elderly people by their first names. I know how much my dad hated it but he never dared to say anything in case he got a brick through the window.

I always had to call my mum's friends 'Auntie_____' i found it really confusing, as some Aunties were her sisters, but others were no relation whatsoever!

missbiggles1

Goldiegirl wrote: »

I always had to call my mum's friends 'Auntie_____' i found it really confusing, as some Aunties were her sisters, but others were no relation whatsoever!

I did as well - I just accepted it.

Hermia

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I really cringe when I hear young children calling elderly people by their first names. I know how much my dad hated it but he never dared to say anything in case he got a brick through the window.

I hope kids call me by my name when I am old. I definitely wouldn't want to be addressed in a formal manner or called auntie or something like that. Looking back to the old people I knew as a child the ones who let me use their names always seemed more like normal people who I could relate to. The ones who insisted on a formal title always seemed remote and I would never have thought to chat to them.

missbiggles1

Hermia wrote: »

I hope kids call me by my name when I am old. I definitely wouldn't want to be addressed in a formal manner or called auntie or something like that. Looking back to the old people I knew as a child the ones who let me use their names always seemed more like normal people who I could relate to. The ones who insisted on a formal title always seemed remote and I would never have thought to chat to them.

I have to disagree. When you see an elderly man walking down the street and the neighbour's 4 year old calls out "Oy, Charlie!" it seems to me to be totally disrespectful and also vaguely threatening. I know that's how my dad perceived it when he was in his 80s and I had to agree with him.

I don't think children should speak to the elderly like that, I'm afraid - it certainly wouldn't happen in many other countries where parents pride themselves on their children's manners.

Peter333

Hermia wrote: »

I hope kids call me by my name when I am old. I definitely wouldn't want to be addressed in a formal manner or called auntie or something like that. Looking back to the old people I knew as a child the ones who let me use their names always seemed more like normal people who I could relate to. The ones who insisted on a formal title always seemed remote and I would never have thought to chat to them.

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I have to disagree. When you see an elderly man walking down the street and the neighbour's 4 year old calls out "Oy, Charlie!" it seems to me to be totally disrespectful and also vaguely threatening. I know that's how my dad perceived it when he was in his 80s and I had to agree with him.

I don't think children should speak to the elderly like that, I'm afraid - it certainly wouldn't happen in many other countries where parents pride themselves on their children's manners.

I see both sides here.

As a 50-something man, I am totally cool with the friends of my 20-something kids calling me Pete, and they call my lady wife by her first name too. And so do their partners; indeed calling me Mr Smith would be a bit odd to me. Even when my kids were 10-15, and one of their friends said Hello Mr Smith, I would say 'call me Pete.'

On the other hand, as Miss Biggles says, it's weird to hear a young kid call an old man of 70-odd by his first name. Also, I know a few people a generation or two older than me (75 to 90,) who I have known since I was a boy, and I always call them Mr Jones, or Mrs Brown; never 'Frank' or 'Betty.' Even though *I* am in my 50s! Maybe this is because I was told to never call people by their first name, if they were at least one generation older.

Maybe it's a generational thing: maybe people born pre 1960s, are a bit more fussy about being called by their first name by younger people.

Thing is, when does it stop? How old does someone have to be, before they can call you by your first name? 21? 40? Never?

I just can't imagine ever wanting people younger than me - who are neighbours or friends of my kids or grandkids - to call me Mr Smith.

As someone said earlier, I think people seem more approachable if they say 'Call me Steve/John/Helen whatever...'

Also wanted to add Miss Biggles, that if a little boy addresses an oldish man and says 'OI' it will come across as rude, whether he calls him 'Charlie' or Mr Jones. Saying OI to anyone is rude IMO.

I get what you're getting at though.

I don't think it's bad manners to call someone older by their first name, even if you're 16 and they're 90; as long as it's OK with them.

A 95 year old lady lives near me called Lucy, and everyone calls her Lucy, even the neighbours kids who are between 5 and 10. But she specifically tells people to call her Lucy.

So there is really no right or wrong.

As for original question; I asked my wife (we have been married over 30 years,) and she said she would not ever go back to her old name. She has had my name/her married name now, for almost 10 years longer than she had her maiden name. Everyone knows her as her married name now.

TBagpuss

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I have to disagree. When you see an elderly man walking down the street and the neighbour's 4 year old calls out "Oy, Charlie!" it seems to me to be totally disrespectful and also vaguely threatening. I know that's how my dad perceived it when he was in his 80s and I had to agree with him.

I don't think children should speak to the elderly like that, I'm afraid - it certainly wouldn't happen in many other countries where parents pride themselves on their children's manners.

Surely the issue is what the individual person wishes to be called? And who is addressing them?

For instance, in my family, we've always called relatives on my mother's side of the family by their names, not by any title. A stranger seeing (say) me, or one of my siblings (as children) speak to our grandparents, or one of our great-aunts or uncles wouldn't know about the relationship, they'd just see a child calling an elderly adult by their first name.

I do think that, at any age, the appropriate thing to do is to ask someone how they prefer to be addressed, and if you are not sure, to start with the more formal term of address, because it is less socially awkward to tell someone to be less formal, rather than more formal.

I think that the habit of automatically calling patients / residents in hospitals and nursing homes by their first names is rude. Fora lot of people, what you are called is about the level of familiarity, not about age.

TBagpuss

The whole thing of calling adults 'auntie' or 'uncle' always seemed odd to me as a child, maybe because nearly all of the adults in my family were known by their given names, so the idea that an adult had to have some kind of title was weird to me.

I now have some honorary nieces and nephews, because their parents are more comfortable with that, and I'm willing to adapt to what they prefer, particularly as all the children concerned are still very young, but as they get older I will tell them they can call me by my name, rather than as 'Auntie My-Name'

missbiggles1

TBagpuss wrote: »

Surely the issue is what the individual person wishes to be called? And who is addressing them?

For instance, in my family, we've always called relatives on my mother's side of the family by their names, not by any title. A stranger seeing (say) me, or one of my siblings (as children) speak to our grandparents, or one of our great-aunts or uncles wouldn't know about the relationship, they'd just see a child calling an elderly adult by their first name.

I do think that, at any age, the appropriate thing to do is to ask someone how they prefer to be addressed, and if you are not sure, to start with the more formal term of address, because it is less socially awkward to tell someone to be less formal, rather than more formal.

I think that the habit of automatically calling patients / residents in hospitals and nursing homes by their first names is rude. Fora lot of people, what you are called is about the level of familiarity, not about age.

I think it's a bit of a shame when children don't call their relatives Grandma/Aunty Mabel or whatever - you don't have many relatives so it seems a pity not to acknowledge the relationship.

However, I do agree with the rest of it - start with the formal and then move to informality when (or if) invited.

mumps

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I have to disagree. When you see an elderly man walking down the street and the neighbour's 4 year old calls out "Oy, Charlie!" it seems to me to be totally disrespectful and also vaguely threatening. I know that's how my dad perceived it when he was in his 80s and I had to agree with him.

I don't think children should speak to the elderly like that, I'm afraid - it certainly wouldn't happen in many other countries where parents pride themselves on their children's manners.

I would think a 4 year old shouting "Oy, Charlie!" would be rude regardless of the age of the adult, I am surprised that anyone would find a 4 year old threatening but I can see it with an older child. On the other hand a smiling 4 year old running up to a neighbour he knows and likes, smiling and say, "Hello Charlie." is very different.

I volunteer in a local school with 7 and 8 year olds. They all call me by my first name, I had a choice and that was my choice. They are lovely kids, very welcoming and enthusiastic and I feel lucky to be included in their world.

Personally I am happy to be called by my first name in hospital but agree it would be good manners to check what people are happy with. The thing that annoys me is the "pop on the bed" "slip this on" etc. Why don't they say sit on the bed and put the gown on? I don't know why but it annoys me to an entirely irrational level.

Robisere

I married a wonderful lady with two children, second time for both of us. (please don't ask about my first relationship and children, it is still very painful even after almost 40 years.)
Her children are now my son and daughter, they call me dad and I have loved them from the start. They each have a son and daughter and I am 'granddad' to them. My dd was cursed with an unfaithful husband who left when her son was a baby; she brought him up until he was much older, met a good guy that I like very much and they have a 10-year old girl. My son was equally cursed with a similar partner and managed to get custody of his own two, has brought them up alone.

Son's ex-wife could not wait to change her name back, has married and divorced again, with another baby that she eventually neglected and abused in the same way that she did with my son's two. That was after theCounty Council Child Services Psychologist stated in writing that she should not be allowed to have any more children.

Both our kids hated their father, who eventually died of cancer. Our dd changed her married name to my FIL's, which I respected because I remember him with pleasure: he was the granddad that i try to be, just as my own father was. Ds kept his name, saying that his biological dad had taken eveything else, he was keeping it to spite his memory.

So I guess it's a question of how each person feels about the person behind the name.