Friend is a mess

Pixie5740

Who turns up to a friends wake with no money and a bag of coke? Someone with absolutely no regard for the friend who has lost their father that's who or in other words a total A-hole.

Newlyboughthouse

splishsplash wrote: »

My condolences on the death of your father, OP. It can't be an easy time for you at present.

I think if your friend is an addict, there is little you can do to help her. The best thing to do is to know that you cannot 'fix' her or make things better for her. She is marching to the beat of a different drum, as the saying goes.

Think about it - I think nothing of drinking because I am not addicted to alcohol. Drinking is secondary to going out or meeting up, and I usually opt not to drink because I'm driving, or planning to work or drive early next day. I occasionally have a glass of wine or a sip of champagne at a celebration, but that's it.

I'm free to do that because I'm not addicted. I'm not constantly feeling a desire to drink, I don't frame my life around chances to drink, I don't buy alcohol regularly to drink at home, I have never put my health at risk because of alcohol. I never think about alcohol at all, really.

I did think about cigarettes when I smoked, though. I never went to bed without having plenty of cigarettes for the morning; the minute I was on my last cigarette, I felt anxiety that was not relieved until I had a new pack in my hand; I would feel anxious about long stretches where I knew I would not be able to smoke... you get the idea. I was addicted. It wasn't selfish, it wasn't voluntary, I was an addict. I didn't try out smoking as a kid and decide to become addicted. There wasn't one cigarette where I went from being an experimental smoker to an addict. It was a process, similar to your friend.

You and she went drinking together many times, I'm willing to bet. Something happened along the path you both followed up to that point, something that sent her veering off in a different direction. Her brain decided that in order to feel normal, she needed to consume high levels of alcohol, unlike your brain which didn't flick that switch - luckily for you.

Your friend is now in the grip of something that causes her to make horrible choices, and robs her of the freedom to be herself. That's what addiction is. Even though you can see how it is affecting her, there is little you can do. The most she can do now is find something to retrain her brain, get rid of the dependency and start to feel normal on her own again. She needs to figure out what she can use to do this: CBT, meds, AA, all of the above until she rewires her circuitry.

I think it's really nice of you to research options available for her and to be willing to support her. Just be mindful that she is not operating on the same page as you - she has things going on inside that you don't. Things that will make her appear selfish, insensitive and difficult. Only you can decide whether you think it's worth it to continue being her friend.

I would also point out that many alcoholics never hit rock bottom, never have a blinding moment of insight, and never really significantly change their ways. For many addicts it's not a temporary blip, it's not a case of getting back on track, it's just that theirs is now a different track until the end. Sad, hard to watch, but true.

Yes - my mum is also a functioning alcoholic by the way . Is it me? Do I turn people to drink :rotfl: Thank you for your condolences.

Pixie5740 wrote: »

Who turns up to a friends wake with no money and a bag of coke? Someone with absolutely no regard for the friend who has lost their father that's who or in other words a total A-hole.

Yes. I should be livid but I'm determined not to let it taint how beautiful the day was.

indiepanda

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

Yes - my mum is also a functioning alcoholic by the way . Is it me? Do I turn people to drink :rotfl:

I think it's quite common for people who have grown up around alcoholics to end up befriending them or having romantic relationships with them too. It's like those who grew up with violent parents marrying violent partners - it might seem warped to everyone else, but if you've grown up with certain experiences it's easy to find yourself repeating them, there is a certain comfort in familiarity.

Be kind to yourself, you might be stuck with having an alcoholic mother but that doesn't mean you need to bring more people like that into your life. Your friend isn't being much of a friend and you can't fix her addiction any more than you can your mother's.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Ultimately she needs to take responsibility for her own life!

Ah, but she'll have a Perfectly Good Reason for doing it - her pay was messed up, the boyfriend took her card, the card's at home, she had to pay the electricity bill, she had an argument, the weather's really dull, she was tired and was going to pay it back...if she'll even admit it in the first place, and doesn't get all sniffy about 'how could you think THAT of me?' 'I came to your Dad's funeral', 'you're just an enabler and I need to keep clear of you but I won't because I want to be a friend more' and any other variation on the theme that 'IT'S NOT MY FAULT'.

Paying back once or twice means you're more likely to lend more next time. Or let a couple of occasions slip by. Or pay her rent for her one month. Simple psychological manipulation - addicts are experts at it.


I've witnessed somebody justify appalling behaviour because their father had died. Yeah, it was sad - but it was five years earlier, the person justifying stealing, going on a binge and then driving a car when so out of it, they fell out of the driver's seat - and it was the other person's 'fault' because they were being investigated for breast cancer, so it upset the poor little love, remembering how his Dad didn't die of anything remotely connected, didn't have small children and hadn't been so horrible as to ask the addict if they could possibly have gone and bought the small children something for tea whilst she was at the hospital, rather than taking the money, gone on a binge and decided to not pick them up from school because at 3 and 9, they weren't 'perfectly capable of walking' in the dark and weren't 'lazy little ****s taking him for granted.


Seriously, run away.

pigpen

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

She came to my Dad's funeral without her money so I had to buy her drinks .

No.. you didn't .. you didn't have to buy her anything. You are making excuses for your enabling now.. though I can sort of understand why at your dads funeral you would want to keep the peace.. but this isn't the only time is it?

Everyone here has said get away from her.. you asked our opinion we have given it and you are making excuse after excuse as to why you cannot.. clearly you are not in a place to let this relationship go yet but you will be one day..

Gingernutty

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

It's not that bad just yet. She came to my Dad's funeral without her money so I had to buy her drinks (I advised her not to drink, but I'm not her keeper and quite frankly I was more concerned about the fact it was my dear Dad's funeral than her issues), on the proviso that she would have to bank transfer what I paid. She actually reminded me about the bank transfer and she did pay me back. So yeah sorry if I've made out that I'm bailing her out all the time. But it could easily become a slippery slope I get that.

Seriously?

She showed up at your Dad's funeral and blagged drinks from the bereaved child?

And you're still making excuses.

There's a special kind of drunk, that shows up with the expectation of having drinks bought for them.

They know the bride and groom, they knew the deceased.

Wetting the baby's head? They know the father/mother.

When I worked in London, there was a bar close to work, where we all went on Fridays for a few drinks and cheesy chips.

Yep. Big chips with melted cheese over them.

There was a ligger there. She'd been there most of the day and the hook was, she was an actress and she'd been in a soap.

Was. Been.

She was still trading on that 'celebrity', getting free drinks from groups of drinkers as they came in.

She was lovely. The 'life and soul'. She made a few witty remarks, made people laugh, she was very friendly and then she'd be off, suckering someone else into buying an extra double G&T in their round.

She could spend most of the afternoon and a large part of the evening having drinks bought for her without shelling out herself.

Your friend may be 'lovely' but she's found enablers who are subbing her lifestyle.

She's permanently skint because she's drinking against medical advice and addicted to cocaine.

By subbing her, you are doing no good for her or your bank balance.

Even if her stomach ruptures, she may never hit rock bottom.

With the likes of you around, she will always be able to pretend that there's nothing wrong with the way she's living.

It's only a matter of time before her lifestyle affects her work and she won't be able to pay you back.

For her sake, you need to exercise tough love.

Candyapple

Alcoholic and a cokehead? As if one wasn’t bad enough, but the two together – time to bail on your friendship before it drags you down even further. I used to work with a woman who was in her late fifties and was an alkie/cokehead, she was under the impression that no-one in the office knew that every time she went to the toilet she was sniffing and at lunchtime she would be in the pub knocking back double vodkas and you could smell it on her breath and her personal aura if she was close by. I felt embarrassed for her. Despite her having adult kids and a husband, she would far rather try recapturing her youth by hanging around people in their 20s and try and keep up with their drinking/going out lifestyle. She was loud and obnoxious, you know how cokeheads can be. These people have deep-seated issues that no amount of good intentions from family/friends or otherwise will help.

As several posters have mentioned, not every addict has a lightbulb moment and even if they do, it is only temporary. One guy I knew, full blown functioning alcoholic, self-employed and travelled the world. His liver was so bad at the age of 38 that the doctors told him he needed a transplant and even one more alcoholic drink was a drink too far. He was in hospital for a week and then discharged himself, went to the pub and got drunk and the following week he was found dead at his flat. Another alkie in his 50s, had not 1 but 2 heart attacks and the doctors all warned him it was drink-related but he still refused to quit, he ended up having a third and final fatal heart attack the day before his first grandchild was born. Smoker in her 50s with diabetes told to quit smoking as she needed teeth implants, ignored advice and carried on, she spent £15k on the implants as the NHS don’t cover it, several weeks later she had an infection due to poor healing and they had to come out. Look at Amy Winehouse, Whitney, George Best etc. I could go on and on with countless stories of addicts but I’m sure you get the point. Some people no matter how grave the warning, DGAF. Or they do, but the moment passes when they the addiction kicks in and is more powerful than wanting to quit, regardless of the consequences.

I have never met a person who was on coke where it wasn’t blatantly obvious they were on it. And their comedowns are legendary. Coke is expensive, the several addicts I have known throughout life have only been able to maintain their habits due to vast inheritance / very well paid highly stressed jobs where other employees are also on drugs of various forms so it is accepted as being the norm. I can’t imagine Jane down the road who works in Asda being able to afford a cokehead’s lifestyle, well not for long anyway before either taking out loans etc. and putting herself into debt massively or turning to crime. Also, most people who are addicts (whether that be drink or drugs) usually have several vices (does your friend also smoke?) so when the coke and alcohol become too expensive she will need other ways of getting high - whether that be pills, heroin, crack, who knows. I know it might seem farfetched, however if you put a junkie into temporary withdrawal with no means of access to their drug of choice and offered them something harder like crack, they may try to resist at first, but watch how quickly their resolve will fail when they realise they need that hit.

Your intentions are good, but addicts are selfish people and will ultimately ruin not only their lives, but those around them if you allow yourself to become sucked in. Wish your friend well and move on with your life. There is nothing more you can do for them. Condolences to you with regards to your dad.

pinpin

Not much you can do, I'm sad to say.
One of my friends gets through about 6 grams per week, so the best part of £300 per week goes up his nose. That's a fair bit more than I even MAKE!
There appears to be something innate in some peoples personality that makes them susceptible to addiction, and in my experience, only they can help themselves (which is where you come in to further help), but never before

duchy

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

Seems so harsh to walk away. Do you say that because of what I said about the rubbish friend thing? Your ex friend sounds like a complete nightmare, my friend nowhere near as bad, although the selfishness does hurt a little.

Really - she was happy for her boyfriend to bring cocaine to your Dad's wake and didn't see that as disrespecting him (and you) ?

She lets you down and is selfish. Her needs always come before yours.

Be honest if she had the choice between comforting you because you were upset ....... or a bottle of wine and a line.........which would she choose without a second thought ?

heuchera

Candyapple wrote: »

Coke is expensive, the several addicts I have known throughout life have only been able to maintain their habits due to vast inheritance / very well paid highly stressed jobs where other employees are also on drugs of various forms so it is accepted as being the norm. I can’t imagine Jane down the road who works in Asda being able to afford a cokehead’s lifestyle, well not for long anyway before either taking out loans etc. and putting herself into debt massively or turning to crime.

I'm thinking of a certain famous actress who snorted her way through about a quarter of a million pound :eek: Damaged her nose, - the papers had a field day. And got into further debt because she couldn't or wouldn't give up the habit.


OP I think I'd give this friend a wide berth if I were you, she sounds like a ticking timebomb.