Friend is a mess

Mr_Toad

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

You're absolutely right. There's not a lot I can do is there.



I am going to suggest this when I next speak to her. As I say she is very open about it all and said they have referred her to counceling, but CBT counceling! I'm going to suggest she goes back and insists on seeing a drugs and alcohol specialist. Thank you.

CBT is with a Psych nurse, its Cognitive Behavioral Therapy not Computer Based Training!!!!!

Newlyboughthouse

Mr_Toad wrote: »

CBT is with a Psych nurse, its Cognitive Behavioral Therapy not Computer Based Training!!!!!

So that's the correct referral then? I knew it was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but didn't know it would be with a CPN?

Mojisola

My son had CBT through the GP but it wasn't from a psych nurse.

System

If I may throw a spanner in the works, you mention that she has a good job with a decent wage. Does her job have responsibilities which would mean that her addictions and inability to function normally would impact on others?

Newlyboughthouse

avogadro wrote: »

If I may throw a spanner in the works, you mention that she has a good job with a decent wage. Does her job have responsibilities which would mean that her addictions and inability to function normally would impact on others?

It could impact on her company potentially, yes. I don't really know how she is at work, but she does complain about a colleague being lazy, so I think she's OK. Like I say, the problem is restricted to evenings and weekends. She is a functioning alcoholic for sure.

Flyonthewall

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

This is the thing - she admits to being an alcoholic, hence why she went to AA. She talks a lot about wanting to change. She just can't stick to anything.

You can't force someone to stick to something. Talking about change is useless unless she backs it up with actions.

How much more rock bottom can you get than the doctor telling her she will need surgery next time? She said at the time that was a massive wake up call. Clearly all forgotten now.

Having surgery. Having multiple hospital visits. Only just being saved. There's still further she could fall.

It may have been a wakeup call at the time, but soon after she went home and the normal day to day things continued and actually doing something may require more strength than she feels she has and her boyfriend isn't helping things.

The fact her boyfriend is a useless deadbeat doesn't help at all. And she knows it. But she won't get rid.

Despite that he is there as company and he brings her the drink when she feels she needs it. Getting rid means accepting she can't go on as she is and taking a big step towards changing her life and stepping into the unknown.

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

What is this? Depression? Addiction? Attention seeking? I am out of ideas. I find that I am giving her the same advice over and over again, but it falls on deaf ears it seems.

Probably addiction and depression. She didn't even manage a week and gave in straight away when it was given to her. However, there's a good chance she's depressed too. Doesn't know what to do, doesn't feel things can change and so atempts to drink her problems away, fueling the addiction, which leads to further depression.

Only she can take the step to start changing things. She needs to be away from the boyfriend and away from the temptation of drink and drugs long enough to get it out her system. She needs to decide what to do next once she's thinking straight (including getting rid of the boyfriend). You can support in that if she decides to do that, you can advise her about doing so, but you can't force her to do it.

Maybe instead of just telling her the same advice over and over you need to come at it from a different angle or show her another way (for example, rehab to get away from it all or a place where she can stay away from him). Give her options rather than just words.

tomtontom

Mr_Toad wrote: »

CBT is with a Psych nurse, its Cognitive Behavioral Therapy not Computer Based Training!!!!!

CBT is more often with a therapist with minimal training, not a CPN. It could be with a CPN, but the standard CBT offering is short term and pretty basic, and delivered by a low intensity therapist. It sounds like OP's friend needs more specialist help, but the chances of getting this any time soon in the NHS is low.

OP have you/ your friend spoken with any local support charities? They will know what support is available in your area.

Mr_Toad

Mojisola wrote: »

My son had CBT through the GP but it wasn't from a psych nurse.

Not all councilors are CPNs and not all CPNs are CBT councilors.

As long as the councilor is properly trained and qualified it doesn't matter. Most of the first Mrs Toad's colleagues in the drugs and alcohol team are qualified.

Perhaps in other NHS Trusts it's different.

System

The problem with coke is its really addictive. After doing a line 30 minutes later you want another and the more you take it, the more you depend on it. It also gives you a better high mixed with alcohol. You say your friend is kidding herself that her boyfriend is right for her. The problem is, coke is a social drug so he's probably very right for her when they are both high because you need someone to share the high with and sadly that is likely to be the positives of her relationship.

You have to be careful because you could become too involved in her life and she will end up hating you, especially if she is as dependant as you say. You are being a good friend, but she wont see it that way if you are seen by her as trying to stop her getting what she wants. You could try speaking with her family or suggest to her to voluntarily enter rehab. This is something for professionals to deal with and the only person who will decide if they want to change is her, unfortunately.

Newlyboughthouse

Spinkz wrote: »

The problem with coke is its really addictive. After doing a line 30 minutes later you want another and the more you take it, the more you depend on it. It also gives you a better high mixed with alcohol. You say your friend is kidding herself that her boyfriend is right for her. The problem is, coke is a social drug so he's probably very right for her when they are both high because you need someone to share the high with and sadly that is likely to be the positives of her relationship.

You have to be careful because you could become too involved in her life and she will end up hating you, especially if she is as dependant as you say. You are being a good friend, but she wont see it that way if you are seen by her as trying to stop her getting what she wants. You could try speaking with her family or suggest to her to voluntarily enter rehab. This is something for professionals to deal with and the only person who will decide if they want to change is her, unfortunately.

Yep I've tried coke myself back in my youf... but I've not got the addictive personality that she has I don't think.

On a side note, it's also making her kind of a rubbish friend to be honest. My Dad died earlier this month so I feel comments like 'I don't want to live any more' are a bit close to the bone for me. Well maybe she should have been in that hospital bed then and not him (my innermost thoughts - can't help it). She's also let me down several times due to being too hungover, although she says all the right things usually. Her boyfriend also brought coke to his wake. Nice.