Friend is a mess

pigpen

You cannot change her, medical people cannot help her, NOONE can help her.. this is what pee's me off about addicts it is all so utterly selfish and they have no consideration for the people who love and care about them.. there is nothing you can do until she wants to do it herself.. OH's sister is exactly the same but 32.. It is a sad waste of their lives... it's not your fault she chose that path.. save yourself, walk away if you need to.. she will find you when she needs you.. but don't be dragged down by her.

((((hugs)))) for trying and wanting to help I bet most of her friends and family have already given up! xx

pigpen

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

Seems so harsh to walk away. Do you say that because of what I said about the rubbish friend thing? Your ex friend sounds like a complete nightmare, my friend nowhere near as bad, although the selfishness does hurt a little.

Its not harsh to walk away.. you are irrelevant to her.. all she is bothered about is the next drink/line.. you are nothing.. maybe an irritation at best.

There is only so much you can give before you start giving away the things that make you, your energy, your love of life.. just walk away to save yourself.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

Seems so harsh to walk away. Do you say that because of what I said about the rubbish friend thing? Your ex friend sounds like a complete nightmare, my friend nowhere near as bad, although the selfishness does hurt a little.

It's called self preservation.

Otherwise, you could find when she loses her job due to being off her face at an important meeting, it's your handbag that's rifled through for cash or jewellery (been left anything precious recently? That'll be worth something to her soon enough) and it'll never be her fault.

VfM4meplse

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

That'll be worth something to her soon enough) and it'll never be her fault.

Ultimately she needs to take responsibility for her own life!

Newlyboughthouse

pigpen wrote: »

You cannot change her, medical people cannot help her, NOONE can help her.. this is what pee's me off about addicts it is all so utterly selfish and they have no consideration for the people who love and care about them.. there is nothing you can do until she wants to do it herself.. OH's sister is exactly the same but 32.. It is a sad waste of their lives... it's not your fault she chose that path.. save yourself, walk away if you need to.. she will find you when she needs you.. but don't be dragged down by her.

((((hugs)))) for trying and wanting to help I bet most of her friends and family have already given up! xx

pigpen wrote: »

Its not harsh to walk away.. you are irrelevant to her.. all she is bothered about is the next drink/line.. you are nothing.. maybe an irritation at best.

There is only so much you can give before you start giving away the things that make you, your energy, your love of life.. just walk away to save yourself.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It's called self preservation.

Otherwise, you could find when she loses her job due to being off her face at an important meeting, it's your handbag that's rifled through for cash or jewellery (been left anything precious recently? That'll be worth something to her soon enough) and it'll never be her fault.

I mentioned the fact she has a decent job in my OP for this very reason. I sometimes find myself subsidising her lifestyle by being the one to pay for stuff as she claims she is 'skint', despite the fact that we are on a similar wage and I am never skint. She is skint because a tiny bit of white powder costs a whopping £40 a pop so I do find myself gritting my teeth when she uses the 'S' word.

Although, I am still at the stage of making sure she gets me back next time. Overall though I am probably out of pocket and have paid for her more than she has me. She is one of life's takers (I see her take from other people but I put my foot down more than others I feel). Don't get me wrong she is lovely and nobody is perfect.

This could easily drag me down I guess. I have lots going on in my personal life besides this. I'm seeing her tonight so will have a full and frank conversation.

Pixie5740

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

I mentioned the fact she has a decent job in my OP for this very reason. I sometimes find myself subsidising her lifestyle by being the one to pay for stuff as she claims she is 'skint', despite the fact that we are on a similar wage and I am never skint. She is skint because a tiny bit of white powder costs a whopping £40 a pop so I do find myself gritting my teeth when she uses the 'S' word.

So you enable her behaviour by bailing her out once she has stuck her money up her nose.

You cannot change her and you cannot fix her. The only thing you can do is change how you react to her.

I had a very similar friend around 7 years ago. There came a point when I had to let her go. I was tired of being let down and stood up because she was hung over or on a massive come down. I explained to her that it hurt my feelings when she did these things but she still continued to do it so I just cut contact with her and haven't looked back. When went out and she went OTT and was rolling around on the floor in the middle of a bar or festival I was the one left to take care of her because everyone else had !!!!!!ed off. There's only so much you can give when getting nothing back in return.

euronorris

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

I mentioned the fact she has a decent job in my OP for this very reason. I sometimes find myself subsidising her lifestyle by being the one to pay for stuff as she claims she is 'skint', despite the fact that we are on a similar wage and I am never skint. She is skint because a tiny bit of white powder costs a whopping £40 a pop so I do find myself gritting my teeth when she uses the 'S' word.

Although, I am still at the stage of making sure she gets me back next time. Overall though I am probably out of pocket and have paid for her more than she has me. She is one of life's takers (I see her take from other people but I put my foot down more than others I feel). Don't get me wrong she is lovely and nobody is perfect.

This could easily drag me down I guess. I have lots going on in my personal life besides this. I'm seeing her tonight so will have a full and frank conversation.

You are currently, unintentionally, enabling her behaviour. By giving her money, by always being there to prop her up etc. Whilst the intention behind it is commendable, it's actually enabling her to continue because she is not feeling, or facing, the true consequences of her actions.


She is not at rock bottom yet, not even close. Rock bottom will see her lose her job, her home, her friends and even her family will end up reducing contact severely. There is nothing you can do to stop this, no matter how much you want to. The only person with the power to stop it, is her. And you need to accept that it maybe that her, even rock bottom won't change things.


In your situation I would find out the details of local support groups/programmes etc, pass the information onto her and then say that I could no longer standby and watch her destroy her life, nor will I continue to enable it. If she decides to sort herself out properly, seeks real help and sticks to it, then I will be there to support her emotionally, but that is all. And then it's up to her. I wouldn't expect that to be a wake up call though to be honest, just you saying and doing what you need to do in order to protect yourself. You can't help anyone if you don't first look after yourself.


You also mentioned that her parents are the only ones who are unaware of her problems. If that is the case, I can't help but wonder if they form part of the underlying problem. If they knew the full extent of her issues, they may well ask some probing questions that she doesn't want to, or isn't ready, to answer honestly. I wouldn't tell them. I wouldn't touch that particular issue with a 50 foot barge pole!


It's a horrible position to be in, I know. But honestly, I think the best thing you can do is to walk away, stop enabling her and make it clear that you'll be there for her if she decides to address her problems properly.

pigpen

Newlyboughthouse wrote: »

I mentioned the fact she has a decent job in my OP for this very reason. I sometimes find myself subsidising her lifestyle by being the one to pay for stuff as she claims she is 'skint', despite the fact that we are on a similar wage and I am never skint. She is skint because a tiny bit of white powder costs a whopping £40 a pop so I do find myself gritting my teeth when she uses the 'S' word.

Although, I am still at the stage of making sure she gets me back next time. Overall though I am probably out of pocket and have paid for her more than she has me. She is one of life's takers (I see her take from other people but I put my foot down more than others I feel). Don't get me wrong she is lovely and nobody is perfect.

This could easily drag me down I guess. I have lots going on in my personal life besides this. I'm seeing her tonight so will have a full and frank conversation.

some are less imperfect!!

OHs sister received £12,000 inheritance from their grandmother and £5000 each from her husbands parents and her mother when they married.. so £22,000 in the space of 6 months.. within another 6 months they had snorted, smoked and drank the lot and had absolutely nothing to show for it.. when I think what that money would mean to my family it is sickening.

She is 32, separated (drink+drugs=violence) living back home with her mother, no job (fired for being drunk) a broken nose and dating a dealer..

(My cousin is in prison and my other cousin has severe schitzophrenia caused by drugs so my family isn't perfect either)

I don't grit my teeth.. they ask my opinion they get it with both barrels lol..

Don't pay her way she is using you.. she might not be actually stealing from you but turning up places with no money is just as bad.. she knows if she pleads poverty you will pay leaving her more cash for the important things... say no, you're skint, you cant afford to this time.. see how much of a treasured friend you are then.

Newlyboughthouse

pigpen wrote: »

some are less imperfect!!

OHs sister received £12,000 inheritance from their grandmother and £5000 each from her husbands parents and her mother when they married.. so £22,000 in the space of 6 months.. within another 6 months they had snorted, smoked and drank the lot and had absolutely nothing to show for it.. when I think what that money would mean to my family it is sickening.

She is 32, separated (drink+drugs=violence) living back home with her mother, no job (fired for being drunk) a broken nose and dating a dealer..

(My cousin is in prison and my other cousin has severe schitzophrenia caused by drugs so my family isn't perfect either)

I don't grit my teeth.. they ask my opinion they get it with both barrels lol..

Don't pay her way she is using you.. she might not be actually stealing from you but turning up places with no money is just as bad.. she knows if she pleads poverty you will pay leaving her more cash for the important things... say no, you're skint, you cant afford to this time.. see how much of a treasured friend you are then.

It's not that bad just yet. She came to my Dad's funeral without her money so I had to buy her drinks (I advised her not to drink, but I'm not her keeper and quite frankly I was more concerned about the fact it was my dear Dad's funeral than her issues), on the proviso that she would have to bank transfer what I paid. She actually reminded me about the bank transfer and she did pay me back. So yeah sorry if I've made out that I'm bailing her out all the time. But it could easily become a slippery slope I get that.

splishsplash

My condolences on the death of your father, OP. It can't be an easy time for you at present.

I think if your friend is an addict, there is little you can do to help her. The best thing to do is to know that you cannot 'fix' her or make things better for her. She is marching to the beat of a different drum, as the saying goes.

Think about it - I think nothing of drinking because I am not addicted to alcohol. Drinking is secondary to going out or meeting up, and I usually opt not to drink because I'm driving, or planning to work or drive early next day. I occasionally have a glass of wine or a sip of champagne at a celebration, but that's it.

I'm free to do that because I'm not addicted. I'm not constantly feeling a desire to drink, I don't frame my life around chances to drink, I don't buy alcohol regularly to drink at home, I have never put my health at risk because of alcohol. I never think about alcohol at all, really.

I did think about cigarettes when I smoked, though. I never went to bed without having plenty of cigarettes for the morning; the minute I was on my last cigarette, I felt anxiety that was not relieved until I had a new pack in my hand; I would feel anxious about long stretches where I knew I would not be able to smoke... you get the idea. I was addicted. It wasn't selfish, it wasn't voluntary, I was an addict. I didn't try out smoking as a kid and decide to become addicted. There wasn't one cigarette where I went from being an experimental smoker to an addict. It was a process, similar to your friend.

You and she went drinking together many times, I'm willing to bet. Something happened along the path you both followed up to that point, something that sent her veering off in a different direction. Her brain decided that in order to feel normal, she needed to consume high levels of alcohol, unlike your brain which didn't flick that switch - luckily for you.

Your friend is now in the grip of something that causes her to make horrible choices, and robs her of the freedom to be herself. That's what addiction is. Even though you can see how it is affecting her, there is little you can do. The most she can do now is find something to retrain her brain, get rid of the dependency and start to feel normal on her own again. She needs to figure out what she can use to do this: CBT, meds, AA, all of the above until she rewires her circuitry.

I think it's really nice of you to research options available for her and to be willing to support her. Just be mindful that she is not operating on the same page as you - she has things going on inside that you don't. Things that will make her appear selfish, insensitive and difficult. Only you can decide whether you think it's worth it to continue being her friend.

I would also point out that many alcoholics never hit rock bottom, never have a blinding moment of insight, and never really significantly change their ways. For many addicts it's not a temporary blip, it's not a case of getting back on track, it's just that theirs is now a different track until the end. Sad, hard to watch, but true.