Separating, how to cope of the pain of not seeing my daughter as much.

Guest101

pigpen wrote: »

and we all reply based on our own experiences and the idea is that the OP takes from them multiple posts what he needs to move forward..


Life is unfair.. I already said that.. Making the most of a crappy situation is hard but he is trying but started heading down the it's not fair route which is very negative and until that point he was looking to the positive which I do admire.

you're just out for an argument and I'm too ill to wind you up further..

Not an argument, an alternate view point.

You really couldn't wind me up

jjj1980

My parents divorced when I was 8 and whilst the reasons behind it made me bitter towards my dad (he cheated for a number of years and had a child with the woman), even at as young an age, I respected him for not trying to go for shared custody or even overnight contact.

We had always been quite close but the only place I wanted to be spending overnight was in my own bed, in the same house as my mum. He used to come and see me at home, my mum never put any restrictions on that but I was never passed from house to house. My dad still says to this day that he would have never tried for overnight contact or shared custody as he believes a child's place is with it's mum, especially overnight and no father no matter how excellent has the right to ever change that whilst ever the children are at no risk.

Even my mum admits that he was the one who told the solicitors that my life was to be disrupted as little as possible and that I was being expected to deal with more than enough purely by him not living with us anymore.

I've never understood why some parents think it's right to cause anymore disruption to a child than the actual separation.

duchy

Bottom line is we all have choices

OP Ultimately you choose to work away- you may have very good reasons for doing so but ultimately it's a choice. You grumble your wife only works ten minutes away - but that is a choice influenced by the fact that if one parent works away the other one simply can't work a great distance or work nights as *someone* has to be available to be there at short notice for your daughter.

Your circumstances have now changed yet it doesn't seem to have occurred to you that you have other choices . You could change your job for example and find a role where you don't have to be away for weeks on end and see your daughter several times a week. It might not pay as well and it might involve a drop in status or less palatable work -but it would certainly mean you'd see more of your daughter and be able to even offer her proper shared care where you and your wife have her for more equal times. Sometime big changes make us reassess things we assume are set in stone. Plenty of people say on their deathbeds "I wish I'd spent more time with my children" not many say "I wish I'd spent more time at work" Even if it's not a right now plan but a longer term plan maybe this breakup is a time to decide what your priorities are and how to have your life as you want it rather than try and fit you and your daughter's need for time together around your current job.



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FBaby

This comment is the kind of comment that gets my back up because it sounds that I have the easy life because I am the woman and therefore I will get the kids.

The two are totally different matters. What OP has an issue with is the fact that when it comes to it, he doesn't have the same level of choice in the decision of whom the child lives with than her mum, which indeed is most often the case. Whether it is easier to be the pwc or not is a separate issue.

[Text removed by Forum Team], I am a pwc and I totally sympathise with your feelings. You were used to spending all your free time with your daughter when you were not away working, and that won't be the case any longer. You know you will miss her much as a result, at least at the beginning and I understand how the prospect of doing so is upsetting you.

All I can say is that it is all about setting up your normality. At the moment, it is to come home to your daughter. In a few months time, it will be to have her whenever it is agreed she'll be with you. It is the transitional stage that will be a bit difficult, but the more you accept it and set yourself mentally that this is how it is, the quicker the transition stage will go.

What will help when you miss her will be to know that whereas you are hurting, she isn't because you and her mum made sure that she is least affected by the separation and that knowledge will make you feel better.

My advice is to try to build a new social life as you are during this transition stage so that although you will miss your girl, you will fill the time with some activities that still bring you some pleasure, even if not to the same caliber.

Good luck.

TBagpuss

Deleted_User wrote: »

I would love joint custody, so when I come home she could stay with me then go back to her mums when I go back to work.
Only thing is I have read so many articles stating kids are unsettled constantly swapping between parents that my head spins with the possibility it could disrupte and confuse her.

Somehow as much as my wife says she will let me see my daughter as much as possible I think she would object to that.

If I did that then I would have to remain in the area I am in now where it's pretty much my wife's town where she grew up and I moved there from my home town and I'm not sure I want that.

It varies a lot. One of the things which is most disrupive and dificult for children is conflict between their parents. If you can manage a 'good' separation where each of you is positive nad respectful towards and about the other, then there is no reasonthat you could not work out a routine for shared care which wored for your daughter.

The key is good communication - if you have shared care then you nad your ex ned to be able to work together, to ensure that you each know what your daughter will be doing, what homeworkl she has, which after school activities, which friends she is going for tea with and so forth. If you have the kind of relationship where you can barely be civil then shared care is much harder work for eveyone, invcluding the child.

You also have to think about practicualities
- how predictable is your work pattern?
- how easy will it be for your ex to work round this, particualrly as your daughter gets older and your ex is working, too
- how close do each of you live to your daughter's school and activities?

Which, if any of those things would it be possible to change? Which would you be willing to change?

You can also look at alternatives to chared care - for instnace, if your work paterns are fairly predictable or if you and your ex are able to work together, you may be able to agree a pattern of contact which works with your working pattern, so you see your daughter more frequently when you are home (i.e. the pattern doesn't have to be the same every week)

try to take into account your ex's position as well. It can be very difficult, as some posters have mentioned, for the primary carer to have to always be ready to 'pick up the slack' - while mum may be happy to do it, being aware of, and ackowledging, when your job, or youractions have an impact on her can go a long way to keeping the relationship positive - for instnace, if you get delayed and are late to collect your daughter, acknowledge that that is inconvenient and dispurtive for your ex as well as for you.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for the advice all, when i am home that will be the hardest bit not being there very day and minute around her but we adapt in life.
With regards to the job change its doubtful and not as easy to do but its food for thought.
My hardest choice is where should i live, i have days where i think live very local so school runs and weekend clubs would be easy. Then i think i want a clean break so move away maybe 30 mins or 60 mins away to my home town. (Just won't be practical to do, too much car travel time) so its seems local and develop some new social scenes is the easiest thing to do with that.

FBaby

My hardest choice is where should i live, i have days where i think live very local so school runs and weekend clubs would be easy. Then i think i want a clean break so move away maybe 30 mins or 60 mins away to my home town.

I totally understand about wanting a clean break, however, I would say that until your DD is older, being local will definitely help keep the strong bond between you and her. Young children like their parents to be part of their every day activities. Will you be willing to travel 2 hours just to be part of a 10 minutes parent's evening session? Or travel 2 hours to pick her up, to then travel that same distance again so you can go to a local birthday party the following day? Will you be able to come to her swimming gala/school performance/music recital? And what about when she is unwell and needing of comfort, will you travel 2 hours just to show that you are there and how will you feel when she is asleep by the time you come to give her a hug?

[Deleted User]

FBaby wrote: »

I totally understand about wanting a clean break, however, I would say that until your DD is older, being local will definitely help keep the strong bond between you and her. Young children like their parents to be part of their every day activities. Will you be willing to travel 2 hours just to be part of a 10 minutes parent's evening session? Or travel 2 hours to pick her up, to then travel that same distance again so you can go to a local birthday party the following day? Will you be able to come to her swimming gala/school performance/music recital? And what about when she is unwell and needing of comfort, will you travel 2 hours just to show that you are there and how will you feel when she is asleep by the time you come to give her a hug?

That's some of the best advice i have read so thank you, its brought it all home to me how much i need her in my life and me being in her life, being close by is the best option, the rest i can work around and adapt.