Separating, how to cope of the pain of not seeing my daughter as much.

pollyanna24

Deleted_User wrote: »

Yes my daughter can't come with me, and where did i say i would take her away from her mum, i just said in general its unfair that everyone automatically assumes the child has to live with her mum. My wife and i are doing this amicably, but yes if i worked local like my wife then maybe i would fight for custody or joint custody but i don't and can't see it happening for a long time, thats why i will ask about more time with her when i am home, why should the man have to be the one who misses out on seeing his child grow up every day.
However in this day and age it seems the father has less rights than the mother.

But you made the choice that your child wouldn't see you every day as you work away. As this is normal, why are you upset that you won't be seeing her every day because you don't live with her?

As for your point about the father having less rights than the mother, I do agree that it can appear this way, but you need to stop being so bitter especially when people are trying to help. This comment is the kind of comment that gets my back up because it sounds that I have the easy life because I am the woman and therefore I will get the kids. It's not tit for tat! If you really want to not miss out on your child growing up, then change your job and fight for custody.

pollyanna24

Deleted_User wrote: »

I don't want this to go down a different route i asked on here for how people coped with not seeing their kids, not on the rights and wrongs of my job, life etc etc...

By facetiming her every day so that you know what is going on in her life.

Talking to your ex requesting that she lets you know about what is going on re school, etc. I text my ex with every text that I get from the school just so that he is in the loop and knows what is going on as I know it is something I would want to know if the situation was reversed. I let him know as much as I can, but sometimes I do wonder why I bother when he doesn't reply to anything!

I tell him random things like teeth falling out and other little things. I have no idea if he wants to know these things, but I would want to. Let your ex know what you want to know about your child's life.

Guest101

pollyanna24 wrote: »

This is all great in theory, but all depends on the wife and her working schedule.

One of the things that annoys me most about my ex is that he will see the girls if he gets home in time from work, i.e. ring me up at 3.30pm and ask to have them for dinner as he got home early. Most of the time, I'll let them go because, well why not? He is their dad.

But I have to work my work hours around the fact that I have kids, whereas he doesn't.

I'm just saying that this will be a similar thing. I constantly have to think about childcare, whereas my ex doesn't. He has the girls when he isn't working.

One person has to be the PWC.


Whilst not practical I'm sure, in theory would you become the NRP and give the care over to your ex?

[Deleted User]

duchy wrote: »

To be fair if people know you work away then it's hardly unreasonable to assume she will continue to live with her Mum as she always has as you clearly don't want to find a job with more family friendly hours/location at this point (or if you do you haven't said you do)

I do think there is an assumption that a man will stay in his current job - yet also an acceptance that a Mum wlll go part-time or find something more local for the sake of the kids. Not really got to equality in that way just yet I guess.

As for making friends in your current location Have you recently moved there or have you just not bothered making friends ? Did you and your wife not socialize with other couples when you were home ?
Maybe get more involved with the community - your daughter's school no doubt has a PTA -and often appreciate more men joining to help at events even if you can't be there for all of them, something like meetup which has different events and no obligation to attend weekly - you just do the stuff that appeals . The range f activties is very varied and it's about making new friends first and foremost not a dating site in disguise .

To be fair if people know you work away then it's hardly unreasonable to assume she will continue to live with her Mum as she always has as you clearly don't want to find a job with more family friendly hours/location at this point (or if you do you haven't said you do)

Where have i said i clearly don't want to find another job with more family friendly hours, how do you know what i have been doing to try and change jobs? Yes i would love to have a nice 9-5 local day job but in my work i have to travel to pay the bills, its the work i am in, which doesn't equate to a day job 5 mins from my house.

[Deleted User]

pollyanna24 wrote: »

By facetiming her every day so that you know what is going on in her life.

Talking to your ex requesting that she lets you know about what is going on re school, etc. I text my ex with every text that I get from the school just so that he is in the loop and knows what is going on as I know it is something I would want to know if the situation was reversed. I let him know as much as I can, but sometimes I do wonder why I bother when he doesn't reply to anything!

I tell him random things like teeth falling out and other little things. I have no idea if he wants to know these things, but I would want to. Let your ex know what you want to know about your child's life.

I spend every day of my time away talking to my child, always have, face timing, emails, getting pictures sent, school everything. Likewise when i'm home my time has always been revolving around my girl, she is my world and the time i have/had was always precious.
Can't speak for your ex but believe me i want to do anything i can for my daughter.
I worked away to give my family a good standard of living and quality time at home (or so i thought) my line of work has more opportunities and better pay working away, and its something i've done for years not because i want to but i had to.

Thats my problem, thats what hurts knowing that when i am now at home once we separate then my girl won't be there very day like she used to be and thats the part i am hurting over, nothing more...

pigpen

Deleted_User wrote: »

Yes my daughter can't come with me, and where did i say i would take her away from her mum, i just said in general its unfair that everyone automatically assumes the child has to live with her mum. My wife and i are doing this amicably, but yes if i worked local like my wife then maybe i would fight for custody or joint custody but i don't and can't see it happening for a long time, thats why i will ask about more time with her when i am home, why should the man have to be the one who misses out on seeing his child grow up every day.
However in this day and age it seems the father has less rights than the mother.

you are starting to sound bitter and aggressive towards people here and a bit like a petulant child 'unfair this and unfair that' ... life isn't fair ..


but with your work situation of course she is staying with her mum.. so it was correct people would assume that.. and saying you would go for custody is you saying you would take her away from her mum!!

You are the one to miss out because you cannot provide for her and cannot be there every day.

No parent has any rights.. your children can be taken from you at any time for any reason, they can be forcibly adopted.. there have been plenty of cases.

Guest101

pigpen wrote: »

you are starting to sound bitter and aggressive towards people here and a bit like a petulant child 'unfair this and unfair that' ... life isn't fair .. - I didn't read it that way at all. The OP is clearly stating his feelings, whilst acknowledging the situation.


but with your work situation of course she is staying with her mum.. so it was correct people would assume that.. - No it wasn't 'correct', it might be reasonable to think that would be the situation, but the correct response (ie the response the op would like from his social / professional / etc circle) would be to ASK him what was happening. Even if he then says "well with work it would be difficult, but i'll see her as much as I can". and saying you would go for custody is you saying you would take her away from her mum!! - Not at all. It's the OP saying, I believe I'm more than capable of raising my daughter and were it not for this situation I would be.

You are the one to miss out because you cannot provide for her and cannot be there every day. - Completely unnecessary.

No parent has any rights.. - Yes they do. Plenty. Hundreds. your children can be taken from you at any time for any reason - No they cant be. Children may be taken into care sometimes and for very specific reasons. , they can be forcibly adopted.. - In extreme circumstances. there have been plenty of cases.

In my opinion, in the past I've thought your posts were a load of rubbish, I stand by that judgment.

pigpen

Guest101 wrote: »

In my opinion, in the past I've thought your posts were a load of rubbish, I stand by that judgment.

Good job I don't care what you think then isn't it?


And that is exactly how I read his last few posts.. When my childrens abusive violent father decided he was going to go for custody of 2 of our 8 children that was saying he wanted to take my girls away from me.. and to do so there have been lies and lies after lies.. Social Services get involved and they are utter morons on every level you can imagine.. parents haven't a single right at all! They even admitted it. They can make your child a 'ward of court' if they think they will and the people who work with the courts CAFCASS are absolute loonies.. I haven't any idea what they are supposed to do but they are crazy people.

But who do you consider would look after the child while he was dutifully and admirably working away from home to provide for her? the neighbours? the cat? obviously she will stay with her mum, unless OP's situation changes which of course is an option open to him she cannot reasonably living with him.

If the situation is amicable why would he want to spoil that by going for full custody? Why can they not work together so he can see her as much as possible which is what he suggested and more than reasonable and he has accepted?


this is a problem with the lack of emotion shown in posts.. you can see in them whatever you do and peoples read it differently.

Guest101

pigpen wrote: »

Good job I don't care what you think then isn't it? - Yet you felt the need to justify what you said...


And that is exactly how I read his last few posts.. - I'd be concerned about how you perceive the world, if I knew you. When my childrens abusive violent father (which is different to a father who just loves his child(ren) )decided he was going to go for custody of 2 of our 8 children that was saying he wanted to take my girls away from me.. - and im sure he felt the same with you. and to do so there have been lies and lies after lies.. - again that's YOUR ex, not the OP. Social Services get involved and they are utter morons on every level you can imagine.. - in your experience. Which is of an individual or group of individuals. Also given you said he was abusive, it's their job to be involved. parents haven't a single right at all! - Yes they do. It's called doing some research and enforcing your rights. If you decided to roll over, that's your problem. They even admitted it. - Of course they did. They can make your child a 'ward of court' - they can apply to the court to do so. if they think they will and the people who work with the courts CAFCASS are absolute loonies.. - Of course they are... I haven't any idea what they are supposed to do but they are crazy people. - THIS sounds like 'life's unfair...'!!

But who do you consider would look after the child while he was dutifully and admirably working away from home to provide for her? - the OP? as I said, clearly he has said, were It NOT for work, he would apply. the neighbours? the cat? obviously she will stay with her mum, unless OP's situation changes which of course is an option open to him she cannot reasonably living with him.

If the situation is amicable why would he want to spoil that by going for full custody? - that's up to him. A good reason would be that he is a better parent, if that's true. Why can they not work together so he can see her as much as possible which is what he suggested and more than reasonable and he has accepted? - I didn't say otherwise.


this is a problem with the lack of emotion shown in posts.. you can see in them whatever you do and peoples read it differently.

As I said, I still don't agree with your views.

pigpen

and we all reply based on our own experiences and the idea is that the OP takes from them multiple posts what he needs to move forward..


Life is unfair.. I already said that.. Making the most of a crappy situation is hard but he is trying but started heading down the it's not fair route which is very negative and until that point he was looking to the positive which I do admire.

you're just out for an argument and I'm too ill to wind you up further..