Separating, how to cope of the pain of not seeing my daughter as much.

[Deleted User]

Lots of positive advice on this thread from people in the same boat as me especially leebrads, I feel your pain lee.
It is hard to realise that I'm not going to be there every time to tuck her in when home or read her bed time story etc etc.
I will admit to being angry that everyone assumes that she will live with her mother, if I worked at home I really would be strongly thinking about fighting for custody as I believe it's wrong that people or courts just give the rights to the mother.
But I'm not going down that stage and will just try to be there as supportive as I can to make the split as easy as possible for my daughter.
My biggest problem is where we live is where my wife was brought up and I barely know anyone there as my friends live in a different town about an hour away, I drive so guessing if I want a night out then I can stay at friends or family but it's the days where I am alone that will be the hardest thinking about my daughter but supposedly time can be a great healer...

duchy

To be fair if people know you work away then it's hardly unreasonable to assume she will continue to live with her Mum as she always has as you clearly don't want to find a job with more family friendly hours/location at this point (or if you do you haven't said you do)

I do think there is an assumption that a man will stay in his current job - yet also an acceptance that a Mum wlll go part-time or find something more local for the sake of the kids. Not really got to equality in that way just yet I guess.

As for making friends in your current location Have you recently moved there or have you just not bothered making friends ? Did you and your wife not socialize with other couples when you were home ?
Maybe get more involved with the community - your daughter's school no doubt has a PTA -and often appreciate more men joining to help at events even if you can't be there for all of them, something like meetup which has different events and no obligation to attend weekly - you just do the stuff that appeals . The range f activties is very varied and it's about making new friends first and foremost not a dating site in disguise .

Deleted_User wrote: »

Lots of positive advice on this thread from people in the same boat as me especially leebrads, I feel your pain lee.
It is hard to realise that I'm not going to be there every time to tuck her in when home or read her bed time story etc etc.
I will admit to being angry that everyone assumes that she will live with her mother, if I worked at home I really would be strongly thinking about fighting for custody as I believe it's wrong that people or courts just give the rights to the mother.
But I'm not going down that stage and will just try to be there as supportive as I can to make the split as easy as possible for my daughter.
My biggest problem is where we live is where my wife was brought up and I barely know anyone there as my friends live in a different town about an hour away, I drive so guessing if I want a night out then I can stay at friends or family but it's the days where I am alone that will be the hardest thinking about my daughter but supposedly time can be a great healer...

leebrads76

Its a tough one for as me and my ex are getting on well to be honest living together but separated, albeit has only been just over two weeks. We both work long hours and my ex's sister takes them to school and then they go to an after school club till 5 which is when my ex picks them up. I on the other hand work till 6pm everyday so would make it very difficult for me to collect them from after school club etc. Will think about all this in the new year after I have had hopefully a great xmas with my 4 year old lucie and 3 year old harry.

pollyanna24

Deleted_User wrote: »

I appreciate all the comments, I would love the joint custody thing where she could stay with me when I am home then back with her mother when I return. That would be amazing, something I will have to talk about with my wife and to be fair she has said she will never ever stop me seeing her.
I guess for that to work I will need to stay where I am then close to her school, it's my wife's town with her family and friends and most of mine are a hour away. But if I want that time with my girl then this is something I need to think about to make it all practical and able to work.

This is all great in theory, but all depends on the wife and her working schedule.

One of the things that annoys me most about my ex is that he will see the girls if he gets home in time from work, i.e. ring me up at 3.30pm and ask to have them for dinner as he got home early. Most of the time, I'll let them go because, well why not? He is their dad.

But I have to work my work hours around the fact that I have kids, whereas he doesn't.

I'm just saying that this will be a similar thing. I constantly have to think about childcare, whereas my ex doesn't. He has the girls when he isn't working.

theoretica

pollyanna24 wrote: »

I constantly have to think about childcare, whereas my ex doesn't. He has the girls when he isn't working.

I think this is very true - if you are going for equal shared custody you are a single parent (half the time) and each need child friendly hours or other arrangements such as childminding.

[Deleted User]

My work involves me working away, if you really think its something i want to do and be away from my daughter for long periods at a time you really don't know what your talking about! I do it because i have to not because i want to.
My wife works 5 mins away from her home so she hardly has an issue.
And yes its an area we moved to very recently, my friends live a long way away like i said its my wife's town where she grew up, has family there and works there, i did not.
Anyway sorry for the rant but felt like your accusing me of something...

pigpen

Deleted_User wrote: »

I will admit to being angry that everyone assumes that she will live with her mother, if I worked at home I really would be strongly thinking about fighting for custody as I believe it's wrong that people or courts just give the rights to the mother.
But I'm not going down that stage and will just try to be there as supportive as I can to make the split as easy as possible for my daughter. .

you work away your daughter can't come with you so you find a different job or she cannot live with you.. and why would you want to take her away from her mum? That's just as unfair as you not seeing her. She is a person not a weapon or a toy.

The courts find in favour of whoever tells the biggest lies

pollyanna24

Deleted_User wrote: »

My work involves me working away, if you really think its something i want to do and be away from my daughter for long periods at a time you really don't know what your talking about! I do it because i have to not because i want to.
My wife works 5 mins away from her home so she hardly has an issue.
And yes its an area we moved to very recently, my friends live a long way away like i said its my wife's town where she grew up, has family there and works there, i did not.
Anyway sorry for the rant but felt like your accusing me of something...

If this was directed at me, I am not accusing you of anything.

I was merely saying that I have to put my children first, regardless of my job. I HAVE to find childcare for them, my ex doesn't. He can work when he wants, how much he wants, do overtime if he cares to. I can't, because I have to be home for my children.

If my job didn't fit in with my children, I would simply have to leave work. There is no other option for me. My job has to fit around my children.

What if your ex wasn't around? You'd have to find a different job then as the child would live with you, wouldn't they?

[Deleted User]

pigpen wrote: »

you work away your daughter can't come with you so you find a different job or she cannot live with you.. and why would you want to take her away from her mum? That's just as unfair as you not seeing her. She is a person not a weapon or a toy.

The courts find in favour of whoever tells the biggest lies

Yes my daughter can't come with me, and where did i say i would take her away from her mum, i just said in general its unfair that everyone automatically assumes the child has to live with her mum. My wife and i are doing this amicably, but yes if i worked local like my wife then maybe i would fight for custody or joint custody but i don't and can't see it happening for a long time, thats why i will ask about more time with her when i am home, why should the man have to be the one who misses out on seeing his child grow up every day.
However in this day and age it seems the father has less rights than the mother.

[Deleted User]

I don't want this to go down a different route i asked on here for how people coped with not seeing their kids, not on the rights and wrongs of my job, life etc etc...