Separating, how to cope of the pain of not seeing my daughter as much.

duchy

I think that is a bit harsh - we have no idea of the OP's wife's attitude to chldcare except that he says she has always been the primary carer as he spends weeks away at a time - and that she wants good contact to be maintained.

I do think SS should be prepared for his wife to want a bit more routine and not be keen for him to be absent from his daughter for weeks and then expect to monopolize the child's every free moment when he is home. She may feel he needs to fit into the child's routine rather than the child to his -which isn't unreasonable. Compromise may be the key- especially at first when you are trying to work out how all this will work without unsettlng the child too much or confusing her (especially as she is already accustomed to your absences.

paddy's_mum

All separated parents need to be aware of how easy it is to fall into the trap of giving too much time to the other parent.

When I separated from my first husband, I foolishly agreed that he should have our child just about every weekend, to make up for not seeing her on all the other days of the week.

It very quickly became obvious that things were badly out of balance as I got to do all the work a child entails, I got to do all the discipline things, I got the child who was tired and grumpy at the end of a busy school day and I got to be the one who could never do something fun and special at the weekends.

Her father, on the other hand, had the rested and happy child, the time and opportunity to go to the cinema, ice rink, shopping for pretty shoes on a Saturday ....

Jacko_amz

Hi I couldn't read and run,

My partner has been separated with his ex nearly 3 years now and he's only now coming to terms with not seeing his son regularly. It's been such a battle to get anytime with his son, he sees him nearly every week for 1 night but it's very strict, not on birthdays/Christmas, not on nights he has football training it's all very regiment. Unfortunately both parents are not amicable so my advice to you would be to keep it as amicable as possible, don't pander to her but keep it friendly.

My partner had a breakdown earlier on in the year and this was a contributing factor in how all he asked as a minimum was one night a week everyother birthday/Christmas and a chance to take him away on holiday but it was and still is always a no. It breaks my heart to see him sometimes in the emotional state he does when he dwells on it to much.

Good luck, all you can do is make sure your daughter grows up knowing you love her and are always there.

A xx

PlymouthMaid

That is a very good point Duchy and was one of the problems we had, Dad also worked offshore and I said above came and went willy nilly which could upset plans. Once the children were older there was also a bit of friction if they wanted to see their friends or go to parties on Dad's 'time'. Keep talking, be reasonable and open to compromise. Don't take changes to plans too personally unless it becomes obvious that the other parent is playing fair.

fishybusiness

It very quickly became obvious that things were badly out of balance as I got to do all the work a child entails, I got to do all the discipline things, I got the child who was tired and grumpy at the end of a busy school day and I got to be the one who could never do something fun and special at the weekends.

So true, I've had it like that, grumpy tired weekday kids, mum got the chilled out weekend kids. It has changed a lot for us over the years, the balance has swung both ways, and our kids are now starting to choose when they come over.

leebrads76

Splish splash I really feel for you mate as my fianc! separated with me on the 13th November so 2 weeks ago. I have a 4 year old daughter and a 3 year old boy and the thought of not seeing them everyday is killing me. We are staying in the house together till the new year so am putting the thoughts to the back of mind so I enjoy xmas with them. My ex is luckily at present being really good about things and I will be having them 3 days a week which is better than every other weekend and stuff. I have a good network of friends and family to support me which I hope you do to as my friend has been separated just over 12 months and he still finds things very hard even though he and his ex both have new relationships

duchy

This is where so many access situations fall apart. If BOTH parents aren't prepared to co-operate then often a strict routine with no give and take can be the only way to avoid fallout as parents do't want to talk to the other parent let alone oblige them.

I sometimes read on here about NRPs complaining that the other parent won't let their child miss dance class or football training when the NRP wants to see them on that day -and my feeling is always - Why should the child have to give up one thing they enjoy - for something else enjoyable (seeing the other parent) Just choose days so the child can have both !

As for your partner - many NRPs don't get to see their children as often as once a week maybe he should focus n what he does have instead of dwelling on what he does't As the child gets older they will have more say and if seeing Dad is a positive experience may choose to see Dad more themselves- but not if Dad is always moaning or upset and makes them feel guilty.

Jacko_amz wrote: »

Hi I couldn't read and run,

My partner has been separated with his ex nearly 3 years now and he's only now coming to terms with not seeing his son regularly. It's been such a battle to get anytime with his son, he sees him nearly every week for 1 night but it's very strict, not on birthdays/Christmas, not on nights he has football training it's all very regiment. Unfortunately both parents are not amicable so my advice to you would be to keep it as amicable as possible, don't pander to her but keep it friendly.

My partner had a breakdown earlier on in the year and this was a contributing factor in how all he asked as a minimum was one night a week everyother birthday/Christmas and a chance to take him away on holiday but it was and still is always a no. It breaks my heart to see him sometimes in the emotional state he does when he dwells on it to much.

Good luck, all you can do is make sure your daughter grows up knowing you love her and are always there.

A xx

gonzo127

well i moved out just coming up to 7 months ago, and i still haven't got over not being able to see my daughter every day, especially as i was always the one to tuck her up in bed at night, i was always the one she came to in the middle of the night when she had bad dreams, and was always the one she came to for morning cuddles every day.

But i cope and i get on with things because it is best for her, as the atmosphere in the house had become horrible, we never did, or wanted to do anything as a family, and to be honest hardly spoke to each other.

However, now when i see her (every Wednesday and every other weekend) i spend all my time with her, and i mean properly with her, all the jobs and chores can wait, so we are always doing something together, even if its just cuddled up on the sofa watching a film, we are still together, so in a lot of ways i am now spending BETTER time with her than i was. OK it will never be enough time, but i know she enjoys it as she always wants to stay at mine longer and pushes the agreed time i take her back to her mums to the point i have started having to 'get her ready' 30 mins before we actually have to leave.

And that my friend is my strength.

i did make sure the house i am renting had a room for her, so she has 'her room' i made sure she had toys and games at mine, and allowed her to pick things, so she picked her bedroom furniture, curtains pictures etc so it really is her room. and i think she is settled when she is at mine, as since about the 3rd or 4th time she stayed at mine, she has not had one bad dream, or struggled to get to sleep, and just seems happy. And even though its not as close as i would like (15 mins down the motorway) its not too big of a drive, and we always have a good chat and sing song on the drive as well, which is actually really nice time as well.

still kills me to take her back, but seeing her happy shows me that the routine works for her, and thats whats important.

leebrads76

gonzo127, I am dreading the actual moving out which is going to be in the new year, like you I always put my kids to bed every night, read to them and then get them ready for school in the morning and that is going to kill me. My partner separated with me just over two weeks ago so I am enjoying this xmas as much as I can, tough times ahead for me and a lot of other people that's for sure

Mojisola

leebrads76 wrote: »

gonzo127, I am dreading the actual moving out which is going to be in the new year, like you I always put my kids to bed every night, read to them and then get them ready for school in the morning

When fathers have been so involved with parenting their children, they should think about going for residency. It shouldn't be automatic that the children stay with the mother.