Dad Is Leaving Me Out Of Will

pigpen

Matthew.. I think you're trying to have a relationship with everyone and trying to fix what is broken and sometimes it cannot be done. I disagree that it is disloyal to your partner.. they are your parents and she has no right to keep you away from them that has to be your decision. She can protect herself by staying away but if you have an amicable relationship (albeit strained) with them I think I would possibly encourage you to take your child to visit their grandparents.. obviously at the slightest hint of anything negative regarding your partner would be time to leave.

I do not believe it has anything to do with the parents who their child chooses to love.. I'm not keen on my daughters partner, but I am polite and civil because he is not worth losng a relationship with my daughter over.. I will have her forever, he might not!! She has needed me many times and I am pleased we have the relationship we do so I can be there for her. So I do understand why you maintain the relationship with your parents, it is a difficult place for you to be.

I feel you need to accept this is how your relationship is and just go with it.. I'd still invite them over and to events so they cannot say they werent invited but it would be made clear it is on your terms.. not theirs or your partners or anyone elses and if everyone cannot be nice then dont come. If they cannot be pleasant for the your sake then they have utter disrespect for you clearly.

from the outside looking in it is pretty dysfunctional but if the status quo is maintained and eveyone is getting by thats all good I guess.

JasX

Just suggest he dip into your future inheritance for the headstone money as you're keen to contribute but can't spare the capital right now

Pollycat

pigpen wrote: »

Matthew.. I think you're trying to have a relationship with everyone and trying to fix what is broken and sometimes it cannot be done. I disagree that it is disloyal to your partner.. they are your parents and she has no right to keep you away from them that has to be your decision. She can protect herself by staying away but if you have an amicable relationship (albeit strained) with them I think I would possibly encourage you to take your child to visit their grandparents.. obviously at the slightest hint of anything negative regarding your partner would be time to leave.

From what Matthew has posted, if I were his partner, I'd be seriously worried about the woman who refuses to accept me as his partner & the Mother of his son & her grandchild trying to turn my child against me.

In the circumstances described, the child would not be going anywhere near her.

pigpen

Pollycat wrote: »

From what Matthew has posted, if I were his partner, I'd be seriously worried about the woman who refuses to accept me as his partner & the Mother of his son & her grandchild trying to turn my child against me.

In the circumstances described, the child would not be going anywhere near her.

hence my specification about negative comments .. some people are just not worth the bother..


My partners mum was very suspicious of me when we first became a couple.. I tend to grow on people.. like fungus lol... They do actually seem to like me now.. it took a few years though. There has to be a point where you think this is just too much effort for what I get out of it and just give up trying.. and sometimes you need an outside perspective to see that.. maybe we can give matthew that and empower him in his ability to make a choice.

System

Duchy -

. You are letting your fear of relatives "ganging up on you" ahead of them showing respect for your wife ?

I've stood by Katy and my promises to her in many (and every one) of those arguments, I'm talking about my parents access to my son - THAT can wait until theyre willing to do the necessary, arguments with them aren't productive when they gang up, they reinforce each others views that they're right

. What are they going to do? Say nasty things to you ? Not talk to you Not visit your home ? Why are their wants more important to you than them showing respect to you and your wife for the choices you have made ?

It's more about my son nowadays really, they can begrudgingly accept my choices about Katy even though they won't be friends, what they don't like is that i stick by my promise of zero access to my son unless Katys present (which they refuse)
They don't really have a comeback but it makes me sad that my sons missing out and things don't need to be this way

. I do understand you love your family and they love you - but sometimes trying to keep everyone happy is too much of a compromise and you end you instead of placating everyone by giving everyone a little - end up enraging them because it is too little all around and everyone feels you don't give them enough.

I think no person of right mind wants conflict, enough trouble finds us without looking lol

I definitely give Katy priority, I honour my promises and only see the parents every couple of weeks or so, she understands me going and of course I want to get back for little one too! The annoying thing is I can't go when k80 is at work, as I'd have my boy with me (parents think that'd be a good time but Katy doesn't want him to go there)

Pigpen - thankyou and agreed, sides are kept apart and generally the issue doesn't come up, but its a shame in a way and impractical, just have to keep sticking by my guns and dealing with any flak from them

Pollycat - indeed you can see why Katy doesn't want him to go there, I honour that, wish it wasn't so. I think my mum didn't get on with my dads mum either, though I was barely aware, I think the mother in law - daughter in law relationship is often volatile, matriarchs/alpha females competing over family territory trying to make men a commodity

And pigpen - whilst it is a big issue its a rare one on otherwise happy relationships, like a hurricane hitting the Costa del sol, its easy for the negatives to stand out more, especially ones that cross certain lines - I consider some things that really are in the past ancient history (not just relating to parents)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Getting twisted up in knots over an inheritance just isn't worth the hassle - as it's his money to do with as he sees fit, it's a waste of time, money and emotional energy to give him one last way to exercise control and make you feel bad.

So he didn't approve of you marrying an older man when you were barely out of your teens. Tough, you still went ahead and married him, presumably because you loved him. Surely part of that decision was knowing he wouldn't be particularly nice to you afterwards, particularly as he wasn't a good and caring person beforehand? You wouldn't have dumped your partner and stayed at home if he'd said then 'you won't get a penny out of my will', you wouldn't have only married him because you thought you'll just get a will overturned and the money will be yours anyway, so why expect it now?

It's not fair, but that doesn't mean you can or should go through a protracted and traumatic legal process where there's a very good chance that you'll just end up further traumatised by not being able to overturn his final wishes to exclude you one more time.


The last thing your husband needs is another thing for you to be angry about - he has enough to worry about with your DIL struggling with illness (and your reactions to her), never mind you getting angry about an unpleasant person behaving in a way that is completely normal for him and stressing over a court case.



TL;DR - if, had he said at the time you decided to marry your partner, when you were just 22 and having experienced a life punctuated by abuse, 'I'll pay you £1 million after I'm dead for you to dump him now', you'd have got married anyway, then your marriage is worth the price you (sort of) paid.

Primrose

Why not tell him, or write to him if you're not speaking, asking if he will leave you something personal like a favourite possession, a favourite sweater or photo so that you have something intimate to remember him by when he is gone that will help you come to terms with the fact that things didn't work out between you.

Tell him that you recognise he can do what he like with his money but you would like that his end, whenever it comes, should mark the closing of the rift between you.

That might be a more positive way of dealing with the situation and may even ease the situation between you

System

I imagine my biological dad has cut me out of his will by now, we haven;t spoken in over 10 years nor have i spoken to any side of his family for that time, so for me its part and parcel of cutting someone out your life (and tbh whatever money he has or doesn;t have is his to spend), plus no amount of money would ever make up for him being the crap dad he was, and although i'm still struggling with some aspects of cutting him out of my life (mainly how am i going to feel when he dies and can i live with it) i had to do it for the sake of my own happiness and sanity.

My advice is, forget about the inheritance and focus on living your life and being happy. He didn't approve for whatever reasons so at least being happy and living your life is proving him wrong. Life is too short to waste time on people not worth your time and blood is certainly not always thicker than water where families are concerned.

pigpen

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

... and blood is certainly not always thicker than water where families are concerned.

OH just read something to me...

Maple syrup is thicker than blood so pancakes are more important than family...

xx

System

pigpen wrote: »

OH just read something to me...

Maple syrup is thicker than blood so pancakes are more important than family...

xx

Mmmm pancakes

Tbh i have more of a bond with my step dad, plus he;s always treated me like his own, and to me he's been more of a dad than bio dad ever was.

Interestingly the quote that "blood is thicker than water" isn;t what most people think, the original proverb it was taken from is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." So technically its not saying what people think it says