Dad Is Leaving Me Out Of Will

Pollycat

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

My parents I get on with, but they refuse to meet my partner, and therefore don't see my son (she fears them). Fault is on both sides, and I have a tough balancing act

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

Well I think my dad does accept my partner but he can't really go against the rest of his family, and I don't want to split them up so I have to treat then as one. If it wasn't for that issue they have otherwise been supportive parents so its not an easy clear cut case of saying "that person is bad" and my dad especially is popular where I work - more so their inability to overcome their problems or to stand up to each other rather than ambush me, i wouldve hoped they wouldve done for me and which I certainly would do with my own son as I don't want history to repeat itself. I do feel fed up of being in the middle and expected to solve it when nobody will consider even meeting, have been tempted to kidnap them before and lock them in a room together. I definitely keep attempts to manipulate at arms length and I feel its high time one of them made the effort if they really want to see him.

Pollycat - I'll only even tell my son of what I've saved when I'm satisfied with his work ethic

If I were your partner, MatthewAinsworth, I'd think you were being very unsupportive & disloyal and would be very disappointed in you.

missbiggles1

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

Well I think my dad does accept my partner but he can't really go against the rest of his family, and I don't want to split them up so I have to treat then as one. If it wasn't for that issue they have otherwise been supportive parents so its not an easy clear cut case of saying "that person is bad" and my dad especially is popular where I work - more so their inability to overcome their problems or to stand up to each other rather than ambush me, i wouldve hoped they wouldve done for me and which I certainly would do with my own son as I don't want history to repeat itself. I do feel fed up of being in the middle and expected to solve it when nobody will consider even meeting, have been tempted to kidnap them before and lock them in a room together. I definitely keep attempts to manipulate at arms length and I feel its high time one of them made the effort if they really want to see him.

Pollycat - I'll only even tell my son of what I've saved when I'm satisfied with his work ethic

A family is just a group of individuals, you don't have to lump them all in together.

System

Im still trying to engineer the family back together, and both sides have treated me like a pawn, I don't want to be a pawn. And also my partner would have too much power over me then, which could be abused and sour the relationship, and I'd potentially be completely alone if it ever failed

Running_Horse

Is the headstone gold plated?

System

I know it could fracture my parents relationship if I let my dad see my son but not my mum, I don't want to do that to them

Pollycat

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

Im still trying to engineer the family back together, and both sides have treated me like a pawn, I don't want to be a pawn. And also my partner would have too much power over me then, which could be abused and sour the relationship, and I'd potentially be completely alone if it ever failed

TBH, Matthew, your family sounds pretty dysfunctional to me.

'too much power'? Really?

If either my family or partner (or both) treated me like a pawn, they'd be gone before you could draw breath.

I think I'd rather be completely alone than worry about someone having too much power over me which may sour our relationship and having a parent who refused to accept my choice of partner.

Pollycat

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

I know it could fracture my parents relationship if I let my dad see my son but not my mum, I don't want to do that to them

But they - or at least your Mum - is putting pressure on your relationship.

TBH, the way this thread is developing, I think you need a thread of your own.

System

There are positives in these relationships worth trying for, I think, and I think its best coming from my dad, otherwise they'll just gang up on me

duchy

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

Im still trying to engineer the family back together, and both sides have treated me like a pawn, I don't want to be a pawn. And also my partner would have too much power over me then, which could be abused and sour the relationship, and I'd potentially be completely alone if it ever failed

I think your comment about your "partner" having "too much power" only goes to illustrate just how your view of relationships has been affected by your family's dysfunction .

It doesn't sound mentally healthy for you , your wife, your parents - and especially not for any child raised in these kind of cross currents.

As a couple you are a team .it isn't a power struggle against each other ! If it's learned behavour and you grew up seeing a power struggle between your parents or other family members- Maybe its time to break the pattern !!

duchy

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

There are positives in these relationships worth trying for, I think, and I think its best coming from my dad, otherwise they'll just gang up on me

Sorry ?
How old are you?

I was under the impresson you were a grown man with a wife and child and a life with them.

You are letting your fear of relatives "ganging up on you" ahead of them showing respect for your wife ?

What are they going to do? Say nasty things to you ? Not talk to you Not visit your home ? Why are their wants more important to you than them showing respect to you and your wife for the choices you have made ?

Is that really who you want to be ? Seriously?
The victim of bullies. I don't blame your wife for not allowing her child around people like that- I wouldnt either !

Sorry- I know it's tough in the middle - as i said earlier I watched my parents in that position - but I know my Dad's more domineering siblings especially would never have come around if he had't stood up to them and made clear he wouldn't be browbeaten by them and it was they accepted all or they got none.

(My Dad was not a brave man -He hated conflict and his siblings were all much older than him so were used to bossing him around as they were alost adult by the time he was born -and he had great respect as well as love for them and never crossed them until he met my Mum - I do think he did it for love and love made him stand up for what was important to him )

I suspect my Mum would have eventually got tired of been treated as second best by him (who wants to be excluded just because the bullies say so ) and not treated as his priority and her feelings discounted.. I'm not sure how much of that any marriage can survive.

I do understand you love your family and they love you - but sometimes trying to keep everyone happy is too much of a compromise and you end you instead of placating everyone by giving everyone a little - end up enraging them because it is too little all around and everyone feels you don't give them enough.