considering teenage children when moving

74jax

When my DD was younger I moved to be near her school and am still there. Her friends are close by, goes to 6th form at a college nearby now and is looking at doing a degree nearby too.

Hubby and I discussed moving and I brought up DD has to be considered and I couldn't uproute her. He said she would just have to move with us.

I should add, we aren't actually moving yet, we were just talking, but wondered if I'm in the minority, should DD just suck it up and move regardless?

Person_one

I take it 'hubby' isn't your daughter's dad? I think you possibly have much more of an instinct to consider her than he does, unavoidably.

I do think you should consider her at least while she's still at sixth form, she's a member of your family, and she's not old enough to move out and choose where she lives, she's stuck with whatever you decide.

Once she's at uni, you can re-assess perhaps? She may decide to stay in halls or in a house share so less crucial for uni/friends to be near the parental home, but she should still be part of the discussion.

kelpie35

I would think that in the near future your DD would want a place of her own.

Are you looking for a forever home in a different area?

Hopefully you and hubby will find a home you both will be happy in.

HappyMJ

74jax wrote: »

When my DD was younger I moved to be near her school and am still there. Her friends are close by, goes to 6th form at a college nearby now and is looking at doing a degree nearby too.

Hubby and I discussed moving and I brought up DD has to be considered and I couldn't uproute her. He said she would just have to move with us.

I should add, we aren't actually moving yet, we were just talking, but wondered if I'm in the minority, should DD just suck it up and move regardless?

Moving in the same town or less than 5 miles away....go for it. She'll get over that. It's not that hard getting a bus and you can drive 5 miles in a short period of time.

tea_lover

I think it really depends on how far you're thinking of moving. If you're planning on emigrating she should get a say! If you're looking at moving a few miles away she would probably have to suck it up.

TBagpuss

I think it is reasonable to consider her (or children / teens generally) but not necessarily to make that the deciding factor.

I think that it is reasonable to try to avoid a move half way through a child's exam courses, so if you had a choice between moving now, and moving next summer after she takes her A Levels, it would be reasomable to wait uintil next year.

If you are aware that she is planning to apply to a local university to live at home while studying thn it would be reaonable to tell her about your plans so that she can consider whether, and how much, they change her own plans.

It also depends a bit on why you are moving. If you are moving becuase it will be more conveneint for your, or your husband's communte, or will allow you to reduce your mortgage and therefore have more manageable outgoings / ability to save, then those are also important factors.

I think part of the issue is that if you say that you can't uproot your daughter and your husband is saying she'll just have to move with you, so you are each taking a very absolute position. You are not considering your daughter's needs, you are making them the deciding factor in whether you move, and that is not fair to yourself or your husband. Your husband is fiarly dismissive of any needs or indeed views she may have.

I think it it would be more reasonable for you to both give a biit more thought to what her neds are, and how they can be met
for instance:
- You could agree that you will make plans to put the house on the market once she compeltes her A- Levels, but also budget for helping her out with additional travel/accommodation costs if she can't then live at home while she attends university
- You could discuss with her how she would feel about a move, and the timing of any move (after all, she is approaching aduthood)
- Discuss the ebenfts to you are a couple and as a wider family of any move, and the disadvantages, including the disruption to your daughter's life, so that you are genuinely considering the factors, not just trying to defend a pre-determined position.

Why is your daughter planning to apply to a local university? Is she worried about leaving home, concerned about keeping costs down, desperate to stay with current friends, scared of leaving her comfort zone? Think laterally - what can you do to make the transition easier for her, if you do move.

Jagraf

74jax wrote: »

When my DD was younger I moved to be near her school and am still there. Her friends are close by, goes to 6th form at a college nearby now and is looking at doing a degree nearby too.

Hubby and I discussed moving and I brought up DD has to be considered and I couldn't uproute her. He said she would just have to move with us.

I should add, we aren't actually moving yet, we were just talking, but wondered if I'm in the minority, should DD just suck it up and move regardless?

Up until the end of 6th form I would say stay (even for your sanity unless she drives and can get herself to parties etc). At degree time most kids live away from their folks to go to university, so its probably a good time to move.

Jagraf

Person_one wrote: »

I take it 'hubby' isn't your daughter's dad? I think you possibly have much more of an instinct to consider her than he does, unavoidably

Although sometimes step parents are far more objective - which is a good mix for lots of family decisions (in my gushy mummy / helicopter parenting experience anyway )

missbiggles1

If you move at the same time she goes to university she may well look at her choices more widely than just going to one near her home.

I'm another vote for - up to 18 stay, after 18 leave her out of the equation.

FBaby

Why are you considering moving in the first place? Because you don't like the area, want to downsize, reduce your mortgage/rent?

74jax

We would probably be moving a little over an hour away driving, so a bit more on public transport.

She isn't going to uni due to costs, I just couldn't afford it, but she's looking at doing her degree at the college as it's 6k a year instead of 9k and she could stay at home to do it.

She's still not sure on doing the degree, she wants to work with kids, but not as a teacher, so is unsure. Hence why she doesn't want to fork out all uni expenses till she knows what she wants.

Yes he isn't her dad, he's lived with us for 3 years tho and known her 10 years.

We wouldn't move to a forever home yet. If we did I would hope it would be abroad maybe but not until we are ready to settle in one place.