Help and advice needed

Mashpd84

He is leaving work because it is has he says killing him becoming my mum carer taking time out then poss look for a job by not straight away

Mashpd84

#post 40
I'm pretty much sure he doesn't want kids as I'm always the first to bring it up and if he did he would do something about it like make plans
I've had lots of counselling in the past and I find it good to talk about myself as it's the only chance I feel I get. But the counselling as come to no avail.
Confidence yes is not my strong point. I can buy things for myself if something I want I buy but sorting my future out what I want I can't do that making decisions for myself which will affect people close to me. Which frustrated me

harrys_nan

Mashpd84 wrote: »

He is leaving work because it is has he says killing him becoming my mum carer taking time out then poss look for a job by not straight away

Are you saying,he wants to be your mums carer instead of, or as well as you?

Mashpd84

#post 44
Taking over from me as mum carer

harrys_nan

Mashpd84 wrote: »

#post 44
Taking over from me as mum carer

Is there a reason for that? What are you gaining from that setup? Is your mum ok with that arrangement and does you mum need personal care?

Please make sure you are doing these changes for the benefit of both your mum and yourself, if you get a carer allowance you will lose that to him if he becomes your mums full-time carer.
Please think about all this carefully

Candyapple

Mashpd84 wrote: »

I'm in my early forties and my fianc! n his early fifties I live with my mother who I care for and run the house as she has difficulty moving about due to arthritis .
My fianc! lives in his own home all paid for and we have been together nearly 20yrs living this separate lives or not living if you get what I mean and there's the problem.
I stay over at his when I can but not for long as I have to get back to my mother. I work part time I want babies, dog and family life and my fianc! works full time in a highly paid very demanding stressful job and wants to quit but as 10/12yrs to work until he can claim his works pension which is very important to him has he's worked very hard for it and does want to lose it understandably.

But I like to think in the here and now.

We are both not good at making decisions so we tend to drift and stay as we are rather than make decisions and we tend to question everything. think we are used to living separately and doing our own thing but both want to be together. We both seem to have different commitments me my mum, him his job,

I recently come into some money and i/we can't decide wether to buy a property ? part buy part rent ? just rent ? And his property he sees as he own and when we talk about changing things in his house but he says we need to discuss it first.
my Friends I know are 10yrs younger than me are having babies getting married and living together
I have always felt like I'm not mean to have this.

Mashpd84 wrote: »

My fianc! asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said a baby.... How sad is that .....

Read your posts above again OP. Now read what you have written 2 months later.

Mashpd84 wrote: »

#post 40
I'm pretty much sure he doesn't want kids as I'm always the first to bring it up and if he did he would do something about it like make plans
I've had lots of counselling in the past and I find it good to talk about myself as it's the only chance I feel I get. But the counselling as come to no avail.
Confidence yes is not my strong point. I can buy things for myself if something I want I buy but sorting my future out what I want I can't do that making decisions for myself which will affect people close to me. Which frustrated me

This man doesn't want children. You want a child.

How much more clearer does it need to be? If you stay with him and he promises you two will get married, have kids, the nice house, the whole shebang be prepared for excuse after excuse as to why you cannot try for a child right now. While time drags on and before you know it you’ve reached menopause.

Why are you still with this man?

I think you are still with him because of:

a) familiarity (better the devil you know)

b) you think you are too old to start the whole rigmarole of dating / possibly not finding someone else ever and realising that your dreams of having a family are dead in the water.

You need to come to terms with the fact that your lifetime of indecision and doubt could possibly have cost you your dream of having a child(ren) naturally (i.e. not adopton/fostering).That is a harsh truth to face, however many women go through and have been through it. Sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we hoped it would – and that is ok.

This man has been in your life for 20 years. Read that again and let it sink in. Two decades. So not long out of your teens you met him and stayed with him. This man whom you have known for 20 years but yet you have never lived with him, has given you no commitment, doesn’t want children, he owns his own home and by the looks of what you have said – a decent pension pot and now all of a sudden he has quit his well-paid job and wants to be your mum’s carer, especially after hearing you have come into some money. What is wrong with this picture?

*max* wrote: »

So, this fianc! of yours (whom you haven't ever lived wth), upon hearing you had got into money, suddenly decided to forget about his "highly paid, higly reposnsible job" and his well-laid plans of saving for a good pension and just quit his job?

Alarm bells. Massive alarm bells!

Assuming he is not trying to work some angle of an “in” with regards to getting his hands on your windfall or perhaps some of your inheritance from your mum, is he cut out to be a carer? He sounds quite selfish to me from what you have described. Would he have the patience and kindness to treat your mum with dignity and respect? What about if she needs assistance with dressing/toileting? Not everyone is cut out to be a carer, it is a damn hard unrewarding and underpaid job and that’s when those who are paid to do it for strangers, this man, your supposed partner, is going to be able to do these type of tasks for your mum day in day out whilst not being paid a penny going from his high flying well paid job to that without any prior experience or even having built up a proper relationship with your mum? What if your mum doesn’t want a male carer, even if it is her daughter’s boyfriend – what then?

Your mum is 80 years old and not in good health. I am no medical expert but looking at it logically and I mean this with no disrespect, but you have to face the fact that she will probably not be around in the near future. You are what - 43, 44 and you still want to settle down and have a baby? Time is running out, if not already has. I know everyone probably has a story about someone they know who was 40+ when they had a child(ren) but those are the anomalies/exceptions to the rules, not the norm. I don’t need to lecture you on women’s fertility after a certain age, let alone the risks of birth problems that are associated with older women pregnancies and we haven’t even factored into it if you would even be able to fall pregnant naturally or if you would need IVF treatment in which case will you have the funds to pay for how many rounds of treatment? It’s not cheap and if your local NHS authority won’t fund you for it you will have to pay privately. Will your man be willing to pay up to £5k a go out of his pension pot towards this? If you can’t have children naturally, would you and your partner both be open to adoption? If you are but he isn’t, where does that leave you – would you be willing to become a single parent?

Still, I think we are jumping the gun here. From your posts I think it’s clear to everyone (but you it seems) that this man doesn’t want children. There’s not many a woman who would waste her youth and her child bearing years with a man who has given her nothing in return, whilst he on the other hand has prospered.

There is so much help out there with regards to your mum. What about Age UK or Age Concern? Have you looked into asking Adult Social Services for an assessment for you mum? She could have home carers funded by them or if she wanted to choose her own carers use direct payments, there are day centres that cater for the elderly etc. It cannot be expected by your mum or anyone else to fall on your shoulders to become her full-time carer/personal assistant without it being detriment to anything else going on in your life. If you continue to play the martyr, be prepared to accept the consequences. It’s ok to ask for help.

I get the impression from your posts that you haven’t had that lightbulb moment yet, that feeling of reaching rock bottom and realising that something drastic has to be done. You are still coasting in your everyday life, still putting off the inevitable and trying to self-soothe yourself until the fear subsides.

I think at this stage you need some intense counselling because you as you said yourself, you can’t seem to make a decision for yourself. You will also probably need it to fall back on when the changes in your life occur.

Until you, and only you, realise your own self-worth - no amount of threads you start on here or advice offered by strangers will change your life. The longer your head is in the sand, the more time and emotional energy you waste. You need to make a decision and stick with it.

So to summarise, you have 5 issues you need to address.

1. Seek outside help for your mum
2. Leave your dead-end relationship
3. Seek counselling for yourself
4. Take some time out/possibly use some annual leave from your job to think about your next step especially with your recent windfall and what you are going to put it towards or maybe even use a small amount and go away on holiday to clear your mind
5. If you are still set on having a family, make enquiries about how you will go about adoption/fostering/sperm donation etc.

I would say good luck but that implies that you have no control. Instead I will offer you my best wishes and that you manage to regain your life and enjoy a happy future whether that involves having a family, or not.

Mojisola

Candyapple wrote: »

This man has been in your life for 20 years. Read that again and let it sink in. Two decades. So not long out of your teens you met him and stayed with him.

This man whom you have known for 20 years but yet you have never lived with him, has given you no commitment, doesn’t want children, he owns his own home and by the looks of what you have said – a decent pension pot and now all of a sudden he has quit his well-paid job and wants to be your mum’s carer, especially after hearing you have come into some money. What is wrong with this picture?

I second taking a good long look at this relationship.