Help and advice needed

Mojisola

Mashpd84 wrote: »

No I've not had a break from it I've been there for mum for many many years. No family members don't want to know and as an only child I don't have brothers or sisters to help me. And mum only likes me doing thinks for her.

I don't think this is realistic. Unless you are going to give up all plans for your own life and make sure you don't take holidays or get sick, your mother will have to get used to other people doing at least some of the caring.

Her care needs are likely to increase as she gets older and she cannot expect you to be available 24/7 for the rest of her life.

Snakey

Your fiance is right to say that you need to live together before you have kids - ideally you'd live together before you got married. I was in one relationship which was perfectly fine for 2.5 years but within a few months of living with him I realised all the things that hadn't been obvious before. And that's not a position you want to be in while also being a few months pregnant. There's less risk after 20 years, but it's not no-risk. You might find, for example, that he's a lot less keen on you being unavailable because you're round at Mum's, once you are "supposed" to be at home with him.

What is your long-term plan for your mother's care? Do you intend to buy a house in the same street/village and go over there 2-3 times a day, or is it going to have to be a lot more than that? You say that what with work and family you only get to see your fiance a couple of times a week as it is - does that mean your mother wants/needs you with her all evening and also a fair bit at weekends, and you basically go round to your fiance once she's in bed? What are her expectations once you are married with babies and your own home to look after - have you discussed this?

Although it is tempting to say yep, this guy is messing you about, he's enjoying regular sex plus someone to go on holidays/days out with, with no real opportunity cost and knows that you won't be going anywhere until your mother is dead at which point a) it'll be far too late for children and b) it'll probably be about time for you to start looking after him in his old age, and so he gets everything he wants without having to make any sacrifices of money or time, it's also true that you haven't helped yourself at all here.

Would things have been different with any other man, or would it always have been the case that you are essentially stuck with your mother for the rest of her life and wouldn't have considered yourself free for living together and babies in any event (and a lot of other men would have shrugged and moved on to find somebody who was available)?

This sounds like a horrible mess, with everybody getting just what suits them apart from you, who just gets to dedicate your life to looking after other people. I have absolutely no idea what you should do now. I mean on one level it's obvious - home help for your mother, and you get married and move out and have kids before it's too late (you may already have left it too late for kids) - but the two big unknowns here are how your mother will react and whether your fiance is genuinely up for it or whether he's secretly happy with the way things are. So I don't know. Do you have anybody you can talk to, who knows the situation better and knows the people involved?

Mashpd84

My fianc! asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said a baby.... How sad is that .....

Flyonthewall

Mashpd84 wrote: »

No I've not had a break from it I've been there for mum for many many years. No family members don't want to know and as an only child I don't have brothers or sisters to help me. And mum only likes me doing thinks for her. Think that's the problem we are time poor.

It must be hard and after years of it just being you two it's hardly surprising she's not keen on others helping. Some people just don't like to have others to help anyway, but she knows and trusts you.

Would it be possible to move really close to where she lives or perhaps have a granny annexe?

You could maybe get a career to go around once or twice a day. They don't have to do anything your mum wouldn't like. They could just keep her company for a little bit and maybe do a meal for her or something. It would give you a break and as she got to know the other person she'd perhaps be a bit happier with them doing more.

It's a big decision, but something clearly needs to change.

Mashpd84

Thanks pmlindyloo
Yes I can/could rent a place of my own which is what I wanna do say for 6 months give me a feel for things but then am I wasting the money on renting or should I put it all in getting a place to buy.

not really sure on what I would need to do to help mum to make sure she could cope need advise?

I'm there for emotional and companionship for mum but for years it's taken it's too on me. But no ones there for me

Yes he always seems to have my mums best interest at heart

Yes he wants us to be living together and he wants us to get married

heartbreak_star

Mashpd84 wrote: »

My fianc! asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said a baby.... How sad is that .....

If this is the case then you need to make some determined and sweeping changes to the way things are at the moment.

HBS x

Mashpd84

Thanks snakey responding
Yes he's said he knows that I'm gonna have to help mum out when "I'm living with him"
Soo that's gonna be tough on him when I wouldn't be at home all the time

Well I wouldn't want to move far away I've said to mum years ago about wanting a family and dog and life with him and she said at the time I don't think he wants that baby etc if I wasn't working it would be easier to put in the hours to see mum but will work I would have to see mum around that and then I'm tired after before work. I think if I left it many days without seeing mum it would it be good on her she say she's got no one to talk to and end up talking to her self.

I know I've said in the past I feel like a tennis ball being passed from my mum to my fianc! and back, being with my fianc! then back to my mums and I'm stuck in the middle with no thoughts or concerns for my feelings I feel my feeling don't come in to it at all no one seems to believe in me

No that's why I've come on here
Cause I'm stuck in the middle
Got no one to talk to than my other half about it all

Mojisola

Mashpd84 wrote: »

I know I've said in the past I feel like a tennis ball being passed from my mum to my fianc! and back, being with my fianc! then back to my mums and I'm stuck in the middle with no thoughts or concerns for my feelings I feel my feeling don't come in to it at all no one seems to believe in me

The only person who can change this situation is you.

Decide what you want and what has to change for you to achieve it.

If it means other people have to make changes to their lives, you need to stand firm if they get upset about it. You can't live your life like this - you will get sick or you will grow to resent those around you.

Flyonthewall

Mashpd84 wrote: »

I think if I left it many days without seeing mum it would it be good on her she say she's got no one to talk to and end up talking to her self.

I mentioned a career before as company, but if she's that lonely perhaps you could also look into seeing if there are any groups she could join locally. They may be willing to pick her up too so no worries about her getting there and back (otherwise, you could order a taxi in advance for her).

There are places where they'll have a cup of tea and biscuits/cake and have different activities. If she doesn't want to join in she doesn't have to but at least she'd have people there to talk to.

Mashpd84

I feel I should of made changes like 10 yrs ago in my thirties I feel it's too late and I've wasted time and I feel very hard on myself and sad. I've always said I wanted a like support worker or like someone a friend who come help me out and be there for me as I haven't got the confidence to do it all on my own. And I feel I haven't got any life skills to be able to deal with life, my parents always made my decisions for me and i feel like a kid in a adults body.