Help and advice needed

Mashpd84

I'm in my early forties and my fianc! n his early fifties I live with my mother who I care for and run the house as she has difficulty moving about due to arthritis .
My fianc! lives in his own home all paid for and we have been together nearly 20yrs living this separate lives or not living if you get what I mean and there's the problem.
I stay over at his when I can but not for long as I have to get back to my mother. I work part time I want babies, dog and family life and my fianc! works full time in a highly paid very demanding stressful job and wants to quit but as 10/12yrs to work until he can claim his works pension which is very important to him has he's worked very hard for it and does want to lose it understandably.
But I like to think in the here and now.
We are both not good at making decisions so we tend to drift and stay as we are rather than make decisions and we tend to question everything. think we are used to living separately and doing our own thing but both want to be together. We both seem to have different commitments me my mum, him his job,
I recently come into some money and i/we can't decide wether to buy a property ? part buy part rent ? just rent ? And his property he sees as he own and when we talk about changing things in his house but he says we need to discuss it first.
my Friends I know are 10yrs younger than me are having babies getting married and living together
I have always felt like I'm not mean to have this.

FBaby

It sounds like you want more commitment from the relation than he does. You've waited a very long time for it, why is that? Have you never had the discussion of looking for ways to live together and have a family? It sounds like it suited him just fine and he would be happy for things to remain like this, at least for some time longer.

Serendipitious

First of all, I would not rush into doing anything at all with the money. If it is a large amount, you need to give yourself time to adjust to having it and also to look around and get some advice on different options including property, investments and savings, and importantly you need also to consider your own pension situation. As the situation currently stands, I think you need to be very careful here, to make this money work for you and to build up some financial security for yourself.

Regarding your relationship, it's clear that up to now you have been a good match in terms of your situations, ie you both have commitments elsewhere, and that the part-time relationship has been successful for many years. It is very easy in such a situation to just drift along.

But you now want something more permanent and full-time, and that is understandable. The question is whether your partner wants this as much as you do, and whether he really is prepared to share his future with you. You don't say how much time you actually spend together - have you been on holiday together, or spent longer than a week in each other's company?

It's lovely that you look after your mother, but again, have you had chance to have a proper break from this at all, or has this been continuous? Is there anyone else who can take over for a week or so to give you a chance of a holiday or at least some time to spend with your fiance?

Please don't feel that you're not meant to have things. You are meant to have them, and you deserve all sorts of good things, including a happy and fulltime committed relationship, a home of your own, and your own family around you. It will come.

xx

VfM4meplse

OP, when you and your fianc! were first engaged, did you actually plan to marry? Because if you didn't have any kind of commitment to refer back to, I am sad to say your best years have been milked by a completely selfish article.

Mashpd84

Thanks fbaby for responding I don't really know why I have waited for sooo long guess I was wishing/hoping things would change we have had talks now and again and I've said how I feel but I think I was waiting for him to make the decisions/make the running. Yes we talk about it a lot I used to talk about our relationship every weekend in the early days and I said about having a baby but he's says will need to live together first before we can start a family.

Mashpd84

Thanks serendipitious for responding we spend a bit of time in the evening about 30 mins together but if I'm working it can be until thurs/fri we see each other and mainly weekends when is not working and depends what I'm working can have sat or sun together I stay at his to make the effort of seeing him. He always says we are time poor.
In the past when we have been on hols together we have spend a week together but only on hols and I have really enjoyed it and I used to cry after every hols when we got back home as had to be separated from him. But mums health means time away oh hols is very limited at the mo.
No I've not had a break from it I've been there for mum for many many years. No family members don't want to know and as an only child I don't have brothers or sisters to help me. And mum only likes me doing thinks for her. Think that's the problem we are time poor.

Mashpd84

Thanks vfm4meplse for responding . op? We only got engaged very recently, yes we want to marry each other . Yes your probably right there and I have let it happen.

pmlindyloo

I do not know how easy it would be but would it be possible for you to use the money to rent a house/ flat of your own?

Depending on your mum's condition and financial situation would it be possible for you to organize things so that she could cope if you moved out?

The reason I say this is because it might be that your man doesn't move things on because he doesn't wish for you to have to choose between living with him or living with your mum.

It could also be that he is happy with things as they are or perhaps doesn't realise how much you would like a married life living together.

If you moved to your own flat there would really no reason for him to put off marriage either living in his place or buying somewhere together.

Something has to give.

heartbreak_star

Is it possible you could get some help with your mum so that you can spend more time with your OH?

HBS x

Pleaseadvise

I think it might be an idea to sit down with your fiance and point out the effect of age on fertility. My own youngest child was born when I was 40 with no problems at all - but you're already past 40, he's past 50, and you want more than one child. I don't think you really have any more time to mess about. In your position I would be worrying that he is hoping to put you off a few more years and then he won't need to admit he doesn't want children - you'll be in menopause and it will be too late.

FBaby

It sounds like it would be more than reasonable than to now start making plans with timescales and working towards them. Take each step at a time deciding how you can make it work, but give it a date so you can work towards it, or you are at risk of falling back to letting things slip away.

I agree with pleaseadvise that if you really want children, this has to be a priority and something to start right away. Getting pregnant after 40 is not easy, and if some women can manage to have 1, 2 or even 3 kids after that age, many will not get pregnant at all.

There's plenty of evidence around this that you can show him if he doesn't believe you. If at this stage he still hold things up, then I would question that it is really what he wants.