Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 2

elsien

Melly, what Georgie said. To avoid the possibility of ending up in hospital if nothing else. Do you mind me asking if the walking is work, or whether it's also ED related? Tell me to go away if I sound like I'm nagging!

Director chap sounds nice, making the effort to give positive feedback, not all manager's bother.

calleyw

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Delete your ex's number Calley. It seems like it's just a repetitive cycle that won't be broken as long as you have his number and you can both contact each other.

If he's serious about seeing a solicitor, then for all you know, he could be making a log of each text and each phone call you make. When he says he never wants to hear from you again, take him at his word and block him.

He has already claimed that he has all the texts I have ever sent him on two phones.

If he was going to go he would have gone by now. He is doing the whole waiting and see what happens game.

Penguin just personal stuff

I have constant reminder of him single day. As he was my neighbour and his ex still lives next door. He has no need to but he could turn up at any day to see her about anything he likes.

I know that I should not I still have feelings for him. But I do.

I don't want to talk about it any more as its just to upsetting me. And causing me pain.

And will put a massive downer on my day. I know that I am 50% responsible for what has happened.

And should never had allowed to get to this point.

Yours

Calley

mellymoo74

Bit of both elsien.
I could spend more time sat down or OH would happily take me in ED means I don't and I know 8ts ED cos I'm twitchy at the weekend and finding excuses to walk places

He's the reason I took the job he has wanted me to join since start of the year.

mellymoo74

Ok Calley let's focus on getting you out to work.
So action plan (says the famine victim who can't even make herself eat)

elona

melly

Through personal experience this year I am so glad we got DH moved to a fantastic care home for the last day or so. It meant he had constant care, excellent pain relief and that we could all be with him all the time. If he had been at home with the best will in the world he would not have been able to have that, even in hospital he would not have been able to have that level of care. It would have been selfish of me to let a romanticised notion stand in the way of what was best.

Hope this is not a penguin and will gladly delete if it is best.

mellymoo74

Exactly. I told her she did what was right for him and her. I also told her to not take it to heart as it's the grief talking and to come and see me whenever she needs a hug.

Georgiegirl256

mellymoo74 wrote: »

ETA she came to me because she put him in a hospice and feels guilty one of the kids is giving her grief because he didn't die at home and she needed someone to tell her what she did was ok and just some support. She is a lovely woman and she will need support because he's been her whole life do 14 years

Penguin reply

It's totally understandable that one of her kids is feeling the way they do at the moment. You go through different stages and at the moment it'll be that they feel so guilty, that they feel they have left him down in some way. They haven't of course, but that's how they'll be feeling I'm sure.

I don't think the feeling of guilt ever leaves you though I still feel guilty every single day about my Dad's last day (I'm crying now thinking of it) and wish things could have been easier for him.his wish was to stay at home, he definitely did not want to go into hospital, and that I can totally understand. He did so well for over a year, but then in the end, he got really I'll really quickly, so there wasn't anytime for talk of a hospice.

He was in and out of consciousness, and at times got quite distressed, so they had to give him an injection of something to settle him. The last day before he died, he was groaning and calling out all day, we called the doctor/nurse at 11am, nobody turned up (it was Christmas time and busy) until a nurse came in on her regular daily rounds and gave him something to try and calm him down....it didn't really work, not for long anyhow. We called for the doctor again, we just wanted someone to come, anyone who could help, it was so distressing and we were just so lost and didn't know what to do, we felt so helpless.

He seemed to calm down when someone sat with him, and in hindsight, it seems the simplest thing anyone can do (it is), but my biggest regret is is that we didn't do it often enough. My Dad was a guy that when ill, just wanted to be left alone, he didn't want anyone touching him, talking to him, and to be left to try and get some sleep, and so my Mam kept on saying to leave him and hopefully he'd settle....I regret that every day of my life, it keeps me awake at night, I hate myself for it....we didn't know he was so close to dying, but how could we have read the signs so wrongly? Why didn't we sit with him more and give him the comfort he so obviously needed? I just so hope he wasn't trying to tell us something.

You read about it all the time, how people sit with their dying family and friends, I should have known this was one of those times where I should have just sat with him, or laid on the bed or something, but I didn't, I didn't realise....I just didn't realise Don't get me wrong, we didn't leave him on his own, we popped in and out all the time, checked his pillows were ok etc, and to see if there was anything he needed (although he couldn't really communicate at this stage and hadn't eaten or drank much for days), but we were that focused on trying to get someone to come and help him, that we were like headless chickens, couldn't relax, phoning, not knowing what to do, it was an horrendous time. Maybe all he needed was just someone to sit with him, but in our confused state, we didn't realise it? We, not knowing and because he'd had drugs to calm him before, just assumed that was what he needed again, and that it was time to put the shringe driver on.

The doctor eventually came at 9pm, and put the driver on him. He would have only done it if it was what he needed and not because that was what we thought he might need wouldn't he?

Anyhow, 2 hours later, it still hadn't worked, he hadn't calmed down, we were beside ourselves now. Thank god for the Hospice at Home nurse turning up, she was an absolute angel. Took charge of he situation and knew exactly what to do. She gave him something else and he eventually settled. I always wonder if it was the drugs that did that, or just the fact he had someone sit with him, just knowing someone else in the room? I'll never forgive myself for not sitting with him more. Previous days he hadn't wanted us to, but I think this was a time to and we didn't realise it. I hope he didn't feel desperate and deserted? Makes me cry everytime I think of it, keeps me awake at nights, and if can't look at a photo of his happy smiling face without crying and thinkng on how he might have suffered that last day.

I so hope he didn't suffer. They say if you haven't had pain up until then, it's unlikely that he was in pain (I've got to try and hold onto that), but he was getting so distressed. He just went downhill so fast. I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy. He looked up at me once, with his beautiful blue eyes, that looked like they were pleading for help, like he wanted to communicate but couldn't. I remember saying "oh Dad, I just don't know what to do"

Thanks to the HAH nurse, we were there when he passed and held his hands and spoke to him. Although, he was that drugged up at that point, I doubt if he knew we were there?

elona is so right. Even though we honoured my Dads wish to pass at home, in the vast majority of cases a hospice is the best place to be. I kind of wish in a way he had been in one purely because he would have got the correct treatment at the right time, and not left us feeling that everything went so wrong so fast. Everyone said he looked peaceful, and I think in the end he was, it was just that last day.

So sorry this has all came spilling out, I guess it needed to some time. I've been wanting to write all this since I joined this thread, but just haven't been able to, and now seemed an opportune moment. So sorry it's turned into all 'me me me'.




Penguin end

whitewing

Georgiegirl,

The doctor would only ever do what was in the best interests of the patient.

I am glad that you have shared your experiences but am sorry that you feel so much distress.

Both my grandparents died in hospital, and we were all called in. We didn't have the experience to know what was going on without being told by the nurses/doctors. I am grateful that we were able to be caring rather than carers in their final few days. But I think if they'd been at home, we wouldn't have all been together at the same time, because we weren't used to these situations. We would have done exactly the same as you, but probably also been stressed and cross with each other. Hardly what you'd want for those last moments.

Your dad knew you loved him.

MU

Happy Birthday!

Hello everyone.

codemonkey

Oh Georgie . Massive hugs and penguin reply

You weren't to know that it was time for your dad to die and you and your mum were doing what you thought was best. If he hadn't wanted you sitting with him before, then you were just trying to respect his wishes.

A lot of people die when their loved ones pop out of the room - almost like they're waiting for them to leave so they can go without having their family watching them. Perhaps your dad was waiting for someone to sit with him, but preferred a stranger as he didn't want you and your mum watching him go.

I can't imagine how horrible it was to watch your beloved dad get more and more ill, but you loved him so much, that you'd never have done anything deliberately to hurt him. You were taking care of him in the only way you knew how.

From what you've said about your dad, he would be very annoyed with you for beating yourself up about this. It wasn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong.

End penguin.

codemonkey

Also, because I just can't be serious for long and I'm distracting myself from being jealous of melly's ability not to eat and I know thats f'dup ED thinking....

Would it be weird if I bought this